"Apocalypse: A Captain N Movie" Written by: Mark Moore MiSTed by Amanda Ohlin with additional riffs by Juliet Youngren [Season 6 intro] [SOL. There is a TV monitor facing away from Cambot, with a Super NES attached. Tom is alone on the bridge, playing a game.] MIKE & CROW [offstage]: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! TOM: What the? [A massive pile of paper suddenly spills into the frame. Tom drops the controller. Crow suddenly pops up from the pile, holding a piece of paper in his hand somehow.] CROW: I found it! It took forever, but I found it, I found it! TOM: Aggh! No! I almost had a high score, too! [Mike pops up from the pile.] MIKE: Hey, Crow? CROW: What? MIKE: Didn't you hear what Gypsy said? CROW: What, "Don't open that closet, it's too full?" MIKE: Yeah! CROW: Nope, didn't hear anything. MIKE: Forget it. (to Cambot) Uh, hi, this is Mike Nelson on the Satellite of Love. Crow was just showing me his collection of Internet printouts of, ah--what are these again? CROW: The femmes fatales of animation, Nelson. I told you five times. TOM: (snickering) Internet printouts? CROW: I'm trying to be original. So sue me. MIKE: So what--uh, who--do you have there? TOM: This had better be good to ruin my shot at a high score. CROW: Nelson, this is the cream of the crop. The most rare, most empty-headed, most obscure pinup of them all: Stacey! [He shows a cartoon printout of a blonde cheerleader standing next to what looks like a huge Game Boy.] MIKE: And that is supposed to be? CROW: You remember! She was on that old cartoon show I watched with you last week, Captain something. You know, the one that was a thinly veiled attempt by Nintendo to sell more games while distorting the characters badly enough so they didn't have to pay royalties to the specific game companies? TOM: I lost out on a high score for this? MIKE: You mean Captain N? Uh, Crow, you only watched one episode. CROW: How do you know? I *might* have gone and watched the whole series! MIKE: How? I've got the only tapes. CROW: I *might* have psychically uplinked with your VCR. MIKE: [to Tom] Remember what happened when he tried that with the Nintendo? TOM: Vividly. CROW: I *might* have connections you don't know about. TOM: We'll be right back. [Insert "got milk?" commercials] [SOL. The printout pile and the SNES are still there, and Mike and Crow are still arguing. The Stacey printout is taped to the side of the TV set.] MIKE: The only reason you watched it was because you were sneaking into my room to steal something and needed an excuse when you realized I was in there. CROW: How do you know? I *might* have had an epiphany right there and vowed to forever abstain from sneaking into other people's bedrooms! TOM: Then why'd you go and "borrow" Gypsy's collection of Archie Comics yesterday? GYPSY: [offstage] WHAT?!?!? MIKE: [snickering] Archie Comics? CROW: Uh-oh. Um, we'll haggle over price later, boys. I gotta go. GYPSY: Get back here!! [He dashes off screen behind Mike. Gypsy runs in from the opposite side, crossing the screen after him.] GYPSY: Jughead is NOT supposed to have a mustache!! [She runs off.] [Offstage, we can hear crashing sounds and Gypsy continuing to shout. Mike and Tom watch and wince.] MIKE: Yeeouch. TOM: Lucky for him Gypsy can't aim very well. MIKE: I don't think I want to get in the crossfire right now. Tom, you okay? [Another crash.] CROW: [offstage] Yaaa! TOM: Actually, Mike, I feel strangely...refreshed. [Mads light flashes.] TOM: Or not. MIKE: [to Gypsy and Crow] Gyp, can you, um, whack him quietly? Laverne and Shirley are calling. [Taps the button.] Whoa! What happened to YOU? [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is wearing a suit and tie, with his hair slicked back, and doesn't look all that happy about it. Frank is sitting at a table behind him, wearing a waiter's uniform and spooning something onto crackers.] DR. F: Nelson, tragedy has struck. Of all the horrors that can befall a mad scientist--getting eaten by experiments, blowing up a small country by accident, having one's brain switched with a chicken--they pale compared to this. Woe is me! [fake smile] So, how's life treating you? FRANK: Uh, Steve, I'm running out of green stuff here. [SOL. Mike and Tom look unimpressed.] MIKE: Oh, yeah, we're hanging in there... [Behind him, Crow dashes across the screen, followed by Gypsy.] TOM: ...in a manner of speaking. [Deep 13] DR. F: Well, I'm not. Would you like to know why? Well, of course not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Some idiot on the Board of Directors decided to review all the experiments because he was afraid of "overstepping ethical boundaries," so now Frank has to help serve the Board members at a party while I--I have to beg to get a new grant! [He starts sobbing.] FRANK: [patting him on the shoulder] There, there. You've still got me. DR. F: Don't touch me. [SOL] MIKE: You can actually, uh, get a grant to do this? [DEEP 13. Frank is back to work.] DR. F: Hey, I can get a grant for anything if I word the proposal correctly. These dopes think they're funding a study on the effects of space madness on lower life-forms. FRANK: Sir? The green stuff is moving, sir... [SOL] TOM: Hey, what happens if you don't get a grant? The experiment's over? MIKE: I can go home? [Deep 13] DR. F: Of course not. I'll just cut off the life support and set you on an automatic pilot away from Earth. Really, Nelson, I can't leave evidence! [Behind him, Frank is being attacked by little green blobs.] [SOL. Crow and Gypsy race by again.] TOM: Eep. Well, if you're cooking dinner, we're doomed to be space debris. MIKE: Thanks, Tom, that's so comforting. [Deep 13. Frank is suspended from the ceiling by the green stuff, trussed up and gagged with it.] DR. F: Excuse me? You dare insult my culinary expertise? Well, two can play that game. I just so happen to have a nice long fan- written "movie" based on Captain N: The Game Master. Not only is it repetitive, it's set after the author's own season of the series, with several obscure one-shot characters added to the main cast and his own little... twist... on relationships. [laughs evilly] I hope you enjoy it. [He turns, seeing Frank's current state.] For the last time! Put the pate on first, *then* add the ZY-X15 compound! Can't you do anything right? FRANK: Mmmmph! DR. F: [to Mike and Tom] It's so hard to find good help these days. [SOL. Fanfic sign lights flash and alarms blare.] MIKE & TOM: Aaaah! We got fanfic sign! [Crow dashes by.] CROW: Be with you in a minute....[runs off screen] GYPSY: [offstage] Oh no you don't! [Door sequence.] [Mike carries in Tom and they sit down. No sign of Crow.] TOM: How long til she catches him? MIKE: If he's lucky, she'll probably toss him in the trash compactor. > > Captain N: The Game Master > > APOCALYPSE: A CAPTAIN N MOVIE MIKE & TOM: [singing] "It's the end of the world as we know it..." > > WRITTEN BY [Crow suddenly flies in from the right, landing upside down in his chair. We see stick legs poking up.] TOM: Guess he's not so lucky. You okay? CROW: [muffled, singing] "...and I feel fine..." > MARK MOORE > TOM: Roger, Moore! MIKE: That was a little too obvious, don't you think? TOM: Shut up, Mike. [With a grunt, Crow manages to right himself, flipping over in his seat.] >Saturday, June 5, 1993, 8:00 AM TOM: Eight a.m., approximately two hours, seven minutes, and thirty-four seconds after sunrise... MIKE: ...but who's counting? > It was a nice morning in Northridge, California. CROW: If you ignored the toxic cloud of smog being blown in from L.A. > At Northridge High School, a lot of people were gathered >for this year's graduation ceremony. MIKE: At eight a.m. on a Saturday. Suuuuurrrre... CROW: They were just there for the free beer. > A stage and a lot of chairs had been placed on the >football field, and a sound system was in place. TOM: Of course, that doesn't mean it worked or anything. > Near the front >center of the stage was a podium with a microphone. CROW: They couldn't find a steel cage at the last minute, so the podium would have to do. > In the bleachers, family and friends of the graduates-to- >be were seated, waiting for the ceremony to begin. > "This is it!" Cheryl said. "Our son's graduating!" She >was crying happily. TOM: [Cheryl] And now we don't legally have to give him room and board! > Ned smiled and put his right arm around her. > Rick was video taping the football field with his camera. >Lana, Romeo, Julius, Simon, and Kristen TOM: Who?? CROW: Hey, fanboy, help us out here. MIKE: Don't look at me, guys. >were also in attendance. > Lana looked at the vampire hunter. TOM: Buffy? > "Glad you could join >us, Simon!" TOM: Oh. > "Wouldn't have missed it!" Simon said. He pulled his mirror >out of his coat and looked at his reflection. "An opportunity >to see myself in real-life! I look handsome...in a different >sort of way!" CROW: So...he looks like Jay Leno with a bad dye job? > Lana smiled and shook her head. > "It's about to start!" Kristen said. > They all watched. TOM: Because she was more fun to watch than Simon playing with himself. MIKE: I don't remember Kristen...this is not a good sign.... > The graduating class walked from behind the stage to the >rows of chairs. The ROTC had formed two lines, and the class >walked between them. MIKE: If any stragglers were caught, they would be shot. BOTS: MOOOOOOOOO!!!! > Then they had to walk between some guys that were holding >swords in the air. CROW: Yaaa! Git on, little dogies! > All this was done to some nifty music MIKE: Nifty? [Tom starts humming the Mission: Impossible theme] > courtesy of >the school marching band. Finally, they reached the chairs. CROW: We say "finally" because the music stopped. TOM: I'm hurt. > "Do you see him?" Cheryl asked. > Ned was looking through binoculars. "Not yet." CROW: [Ned] See who? I brought these to check out the cheerleaders' implants! MIKE: Crow... well, it *is* the Valley. > The class sat down. > The school Principal walked onto the stage and up to >the podium. He then proceeded to give a short speech about >how he's TOM: He gave a speech then about something he is now? Wow, a Principal with precog! MIKE: [to author] Pick a tense and stick with it! > so proud >of the graduates, and how they all should be. Then various >teachers and other faculty members spoke. Then the >Valedictorian and Salutatorian gave their speeches. TOM: Then everyone went into a coma from loss of blood to the brain. [Crow starts to snore] > Finally, Mrs. Grould, the Chemistry teacher, MIKE: ..who had changed her family name in 1978. TOM: [Tracey Ullman] "It used to be Shithouse!" > walked up >to the podium. TOM: In case of emergency, walk, don't run, to the nearest exit. [Mike slaps Crow awake.] > "Now, will the graduating class please rise?" Mrs. Grould >asked. They all stood up. [Bots and Mike stand up] CROW: I pledge allegiance to Queen Fragg and her mighty state of hysteria... > "As I call your name, please come forward and receive your >diploma." she said. [All sit down again] > Mike looked at Kevin with a smile. "This is it, man. >We're finally graduating." > Kevin smiled back at him. MIKE: Not a word, Crow. > "Stacey Anderson." Mrs. Grould called. CROW: WHAT? Stacey? Yeah, baby! Whoo-hoo! [Crow starts bouncing in his seat and whistling. Mike groans.] TOM: Who? MIKE: The airhead blonde cheerleader. You know, the printout? He's obsessed. > Stacey walked up to Mrs. Grould, who handed her her CROW: You would be too if you saw her her! >diploma and shook her hand. Then Stacey went to the Principal >and shook his hand. Then Stacey returned to her friends. CROW: Then Stacey fell off the stage. Then Stacey got up. Then Stacey kicked the Principal's ass for copping a feel. TOM: We can dream. > Stacey grinned as she >showed off her diploma to Kevin and Mike. "Check it out, dudes!" CROW: [Stacey] Like, I come before you in the alphabet! Nyahh! > Kevin and Mike smiled at her and slapped her high-fives. > "Kevin Keene!" Mrs. Grould eventually called. MIKE: Wow, they got from A to K awfully fast... > Kevin's parents and Rick filmed him as he went up to Mrs. >Grould. They shouted cheers at him. MIKE: Cheers at him? TOM: [singing] "Where everybody knows your name....." > Mrs. Grould handed Kevin his diploma and shook his hand. > Then Kevin walked up to the Principal. > "Congratulations, Kevin!" the Principal said. > Kevin was grinning. "Thank you, Mr. Stevens!" CROW: [Kevin] You do know I'm grinning because your fly's wide open? > Kevin returned to the others. MIKE: Hey, the principal didn't shake his hand! > Stacey and Mike slapped him TOM: Yeah! Violence! CROW: Hit him! Hit him! >high-fives. ALL: Awwwwww.... TOM: Just when it was getting good. >"And last, but certainly not least, Michael Vincent!" Mrs. >Grould called. CROW: Yeah, considering there's three people in the class.... MIKE: Wasn't he on Starsky and Hutch? > Mike and Stacey cheered him on as he went up to get his >diploma. TOM: He cheered himself on? CROW: [Mike Vincent] I don't have any friends! Waaah! > Then Mike looked at the audience and flexed. Everyone >laughed. MIKE: ...at how pathetic he really looked. > "Of course, I look better!" Simon claimed. > Mike went over and shook the Principal's hand. > "Great turnaround, Mike!" Mr. Stevens said. "Glad to see >you're not beating anyone up anymore!" TOM: [Mike Vincent] Just wait til after graduation, you old goat! > Mike laughed, then returned to the others. > "Way to go, Mikey!" CROW: "Give it to Mikey, he'll eat anything!" > Kevin said in a manly voice. MIKE: ...since he'd finally broken that helium habit. > He and Stacey slapped high-fives with Mike. > Mr. Stevens walked up to the podium. "Ladies and >gentlemen, ALL: [looking around] Where? > may I present to you the Northridge High School >graduating class of 1993!" MIKE: No you may not! TOM: No refunds or exchanges allowed. Void where prohibited. > The entire audience stood up and gave a massive cheer and >applause. ALL: [audience] Yay! It's over! Free beer! Whoo-hoo! > The graduates were cheering also. They took off their >hats and threw them in the air. Kevin and Stacey hugged and >kissed. TOM: And groped and squeezed. > Then Mike and Kevin put their hands on each other's CROW: Cr-- MIKE: Say it, Crow, you lose it. TOM: The closest part to it, that is. >shoulders and shook each other hard. "Yeah!!!" > "How 'bout it?!" Mike asked Kevin, grinning. "We've >graduated high school! We're free men!" > "And I still don't have my driver's license!" Kevin added >with an equally big grin. The two of them burst out laughing. MIKE: [Kevin] Denial's so awesome, dude! TOM: So 'denial' is their word for crack? > Now the audience was filling the football field. > "Do you see him?!" Cheryl asked her husband. > "No, not yet!" Ned responded, shaking his head. MIKE: [to Ned] It helps to look through the right end of the binoculars... > Suddenly, Lana pointed. "There he is!" > Kevin and Stacey were kissing again. Lana went up to >them, pulled Stacey away from Kevin, and kissed her boyfriend on >the lips. CROW: She was sick and tired of kissing his ass, anyway. TOM: Wait! Kevin is LANA's boyfriend and he's kissing Stacey? That cheap two-timer! > "Congratulations, Kevin!" Lana said proudly. > "Thanks!" Kevin replied. > Then Kevin, Mike, and Stacey's relatives arrived, and >hugs and congratulations went all around. > "C'mon, guys, let's celebrate!" Ned said. > Then they heard thunder, and it started to pour. TOM: Pouring thunder? What a concept! MIKE: It was acid rain. All our heroes were killed by the toxic chemicals and died gruesome deaths. The End. > The red convertible drove through the street. It was >still raining, but the roof was down nonetheless. MIKE: Nothing like a little pneumonia in the morning. CROW: Maybe they're having a wet t-shirt contest. TOM: You wish. > Lana was driving. Kevin, Mike, and Stacey were sitting on >top of the back seat. MIKE: [Stacey] But I wanted to be in the trunk! > The three graduates were yelling and having fun. > Lana pulled into the parking lot of Pete's Pizza Shack. CROW: She's gonna shack up with Pete? TOM: Well, since her boyfriend is more interested in Stacey... >They all got out of the car. > > Kevin, Mike, Stacey, their relatives, and Kristen walked >inside the Pizza Shack. Stacey's dad turned on the lights. > "So, what do you guys want?" Pete asked, CROW: World peace would be nice, Pete, but I'll settle for your daughter. > heading towards >the kitchen. > "Three large pepperoni pizzas!" Stacey said. TOM: First the open roof in the rain, now pizza for breakfast? Who'd Stacey have to sleep with to graduate? > They all took their seats at a large table. > "So, what are you guys planning on doing now?" Cheryl >asked. > "Gonna join us in college?" Rick asked, smiling. > "Actually," Kevin said, "I think we'll just hang out at >home most of the time." CROW: [Cheryl] Over my dead body! > "And in the video arcades!" Mike added. > "And the mall!" Stacey chimed in. > Kevin and Mike stared at her. > "Hey, yeah, the arcade in the mall!" Kevin said. > "Cool!" Mike agreed. > Stacey shook her head. "Guys, that's not what I - " She >broke off and dismissed it with a wave of her right hand. >"Forget it. You guys are, like, dense!" TOM: And you're not? > Some water went down the wrong way as Mike chuckled while >taking a sip of his drink. MIKE: That's one way to clear out your nasal passages... > Stacey pointed at Mike with her right index finger. TOM: Okay, so she's right-handed. Check. CROW: And she uses her index finger to point! Amazing! >"Watch it, butt-munch!" CROW: [Beavis] Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. She said 'butt.' > Stacey's mom looked at Lana. "Oh, Lana, I heard you got >your driver's license this Tuesday! Congratulations!" TOM: I don't know much about the DMV, but how the hell? MIKE [as DMV registrar]: "Well, Miss, you have no ID, no Social Security number, no proof of birth, and you're wearing clothes that wouldn't make it in Paris....here ya go!" > Lana smiled. "Thanks, Mrs. A! Now I just need a car." > Mike smiled. "Hey, you can borrow mine!" > "Thanks, Mike!" Lana said in appreciation. > "Anytime!" > "And we have something else to celebrate, guys!" Lana >said. "It's Kristen's birthday!" ALL: [listlessly] Yay. > "Hey, happy 21st!" Kevin said. > They all applauded for her. TOM: So she lived to be 21. Big deal. MIKE: Hey, she can buy the beer, she has the power. > Lana kissed Kristen on her >right cheek. CROW: Of course she wasn't tired of kissing KRISTEN'S-- TOM: Wrong cheek. > The hairstylist blushed. TOM: Who? > "Hey, Stacey, can you please plug in the arcade >machines?" Rick asked. > Stacey grinned, standing up. "Oker-dokers and chicken >chokers!" TOM: She's gonna choke him with a chicken? Cool! CROW: [singing] "Chickity China, the Chinese chicken / have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'..." > Stacey ran around, plugging in all the arcade machines >and flipping switches, then returned to her seat. MIKE: Well, that was productive. TOM: [Rick] I just wanted them on to complement the decor. > Pete came by with three trays. "All right, guys! Three >fresh-baked large pepperoni pizzas!" He carefully set them down >on the table, one at a time. CROW: The last time he dropped them all at once, Stacey had kicked his ass. TOM: Stacey Anderson: Warrior Princess! MIKE: Uh...no. > "Thanks, dad." Stacey said. > "Thanks, Pete!" everyone else said. TOM: Pete is Stacey's dad? That's it. I give up. > Pete Anderson sat down at the table. "Well, this place is >supposed to be closed today, so I guess I can join you!" MIKE: [Pete] It's supposed to be. I guess. Even though it is a Saturday. I'm not sure. I only own the place. > They all enjoyed their pizzas. > > Kevin, Lana, Mike, Stacey, Rick, Romeo, Julius, Kristen, >Simon, Ned, and Cheryl TOM: Not to mention Eddie, Rocky, Brad, Janet, Dr. Scott, Magenta, Riff-Raff... CROW: Shhh. Don't give them any ideas. > all walked into the school gym TOM: Must have hurt. > through the front doors. TOM: Errrr.... CROW: Well, they didn't say they bothered to open them first. > They walked around slowly, looking all over. > "Wow." Kevin said. "Hard to believe this is the same >building TOM: Redoing the tiling in pink and purple polka-dots must have thrown him off. > we were hiding from Wily's 'bots in back in 1990." MIKE: [Kevin] ...And where I got beat up by Mike for the fifteenth time in 1989, where I dropped my Slurpee in 1985, where Stacey walked into a wall in 1992... > "It is, man." Rick assured him. "And tonight, it's where >the graduation party will be!" > Kevin smiled. TOM: Does he have any other facial expressions? > "Let's go to Videoland and relax for a while." Mike said, >taking out a warp zone opener. > "Good idea!" Romeo said. "I need to run and work off that >pizza!" > Mike opened a warp to their house in Megaland. CROW: Hey, I thought he said they were going to Videoland. > Lana turned to Kristen. "Coming, Kristen?" MIKE: [Kristen] Nope, you losers just don't do it for me anymore. > Kristen smiled and nodded. "Sure!" CROW: That's it, just smile and nod...humor the lunatics... > They all went into the warp, one at a time. MIKE: The last time they tried to go through all at once, Simon's chin got stuck in the warp. > Just then, one of the front doors opened. Kristen's mom >walked in - just in time to see her daughter step into the warp. > "Kristen?" she asked. TOM: No, that was Barbara Streisand. Who does she think it was? > The warp closed. > "What the hell is going on?" MIKE: When we figure it out, we'll let you know. > > "My first day as a free man!" TOM: From what? > Kevin exclaimed happily, >walking into the N Team's house in Megaland, MIKE: Causing permanent brain damage. TOM: Not that it mattered much. > holding his diploma >up high in both hands. > The others followed him in through the front door. CROW: Since diving through the plate-glass window kind of hurt. > "How does it feel, Kev?!" Mike asked him. > "Awesome!!!" Kevin screamed. > "Yeah!!!" Mike agreed. MIKE: The superbly-crafted dialogue is almost Brechtian in its multiple layers of nuanced significance... > "All right, guys, remember, the graduation party's in the >gym at seven." Cheryl said with a smile. TOM: Just pound us over the head with it, why don't you? > "We'll totally be there!" Stacey said with a grin. > CROW: Sure. None of them are really all there to begin with. > Lana was sitting in her bedroom, playing Street Fighter >II for the Super Nintendo. The door chimed. MIKE: Wait a minute. They don't have Nintendo there; the whole world is a collection of video games! TOM: Fanboy. > "Come in." Lana said. > The door rose, and Kristen walked into the room. The door >closed behind her. Lana looked at Kristen briefly before >returning her eyes to the screen. TOM: [Lana] Naah. Too butch for my tastes. > "Hey, Kristen. Care for a >game?" CROW: Lana sure likes to play around. > Kristen smiled. "Maybe. Right now, though, I'd like to >talk to you about something." > Lana paused the game and gave Kristen her full attention. >"Something on your mind, Kristy?" TOM: ...Swanson? > "Yeah, I, uh,...I wanna talk about us." ALL: Say WHAT??? > Lana stood up and walked over to her. "What about us?" > "I - " Kristen began. "I wanna know how you feel about >me." > "Well, I...I like you." Lana said. "You're a great >friend. You've...helped me and... MIKE: Did my taxes? Ironed my skirts? Fed my fish? TOM: [to author] Please? > cared for me when I needed it >the most." She smiled. "You're one of my dearest friends." > "I'm glad you think of me so highly." Kristen said. "But >is that all you think of me as?" CROW: [Lana] No, I was lying. I think you're a stupid whore. > Lana sighed. "Kristen, we've been through this already. I >have a boyfriend." > Kristen nodded. "Yes, you do." > "Kristen, what are you trying to say?" > Kristen gazed at her. "I love you." MIKE: [Lana] Forget it, Kris, you're not getting my Bud Light. > Lana gazed at her. "I know." > They grabbed hold of each other. Their lips met in a >clash. This kiss was unlike any other they'd shared up to this >point, however. CROW: They actually had the decency to do it in private. MIKE: Okay, I *know* this didn't happen on the show.... >Kristen slipped her tongue into Lana's mouth. TOM: ...and realized that Lana hadn't brushed her teeth that day. CROW: Whooo-hoo! All right! [Both Tom and Mike smack him] > Lana moaned softly >and returned the favor. MIKE: You call that a favor? ...Crow, don't answer that. > As their tongues continued their dance, CROW: Lambada: The Forbidden Dance! > they >forgot everything around them and lost themselves in the moment. TOM: Auuuggghhh! CROW: Whoa, Mike! Servo's head is all fogged up! TOM: You try repressing an exploding head and see how you look! > > The Videoland Club was gathered at the table in the >Conference room. Kristen was with them. TOM: Darn it all. > A video camera was recording them, >saving the information directly to the house's computer system. MIKE: And secretly selling all its Kristen/Lana recordings on the black market. > Rick was sitting at the head of the table. In front of >him was his laptop. > Rick looked at his watch. CROW: [Rick] Okay, the big hand is pointing at the 12 and the little hand is pointing at Stacey's breasts.... > "This meeting of the Videoland >Club is called to order on Saturday, June 5th, 1993, at 10 AM. TOM: So they had an entire graduation ceremony, ate a pizza, and traveled to a new world...all in 2 hours? >First, let's welcome our newest member - Kristen!" MIKE: Lana already took care of the welcome. CROW: At least she's not a hermaphrodite, Mike. [All shudder at the thought] > Everyone applauded for Kristen as she shook Rick's right >hand. [Mike and Crow hold up signs. MIKE: 8.0, CROW: 6.5. Tom is still fogged up.] >"Next, I wanna show you guys something I created." TOM: What? What? I can't see! [Mike reaches over and wipes off the condensation] Oh. Thanks. > Rick opened up a CD case and took out a CD-ROM. He held >it up in his right hand for everyone to see. > "What is it?" Lana asked. CROW: A baby Frisbee? TOM: A really big quarter? CROW: Simon's new hand mirror? TOM: Dr. Right's secret porno collection? > "I present the Videoland Club CD-ROM." Rick said. "It >has all of our meetings, records, and other files on it. >Everything. This CD will be a backup, just in case something >ever happens to the house's computer." > "Great idea, Rick!" Kevin said. > "Like, very good with the noggin, dude!" Stacey added. TOM: [Stacey] Like, wow, I always use mine to crack eggs! Cool! > "Thanks." Rick said with a smile. He put the CD back in >the case. > "Hey, you know what would be great for the Club to >cover?" Romeo brought up. "The 1st Annual Robot Tournament!" > "Hey, yeah, I heard about that!" Rick said. "People from >all over Megaland are designing and building robots and entering >them in the tournament!" > "It begins at noon." Romeo said. MIKE: Nooo, this isn't last-minute, now is it? > Rick nodded. "We'll be there!" > > The warp opened in the school gym, and Kevin, Lana, >Stacey, and Kristen exited it. The warp closed behind them. > Then one of the front double doors opened, and Kristen's >mom walked inside. TOM: What is Kristen's mom doing in Videoland? MIKE: They're back in the real world now. See, that blank line a while back was supposed to signify a location change. TOM: How stupid of me not to have figured that out. > Kevin, Lana, Stacey, and Kristen started. MIKE: ...to do the Macarena! > "Mom, hi!" Kristen said with a forced smile. "Guys, this >is my mother, Carol. Um, what are you doing here?" > "Waiting for you to show up." her mom replied in a tone >they didn't like. TOM: Carol was always painfully off-key. > "Just what is this about?" > "Uh, what do you mean?" Kevin asked nervously. > "Don't take me for a fool!" Carol replied. ALL: Too late! > "What was that >blue circle? Yeah, that's right, I saw you leave, and I heard >you come CROW: [Lana] Well, I'm sorry, but Kevin wouldn't stop screaming-- MIKE: Can't let it go, can you? CROW: Of course not. > in." > Lana stepped forward. "You're better off not knowing." > "You're better off telling me. I demand to know!" > "Let's just say it's a kind of magic." CROW: Queen? > Lana said, trying >to end the conversation. > "That's not good enough!!!" Carol screamed. TOM: [Carol] I want my MTV, dammit, and I want it now! > "It's gonna have to be." Lana said. She heard a ring. MIKE: [Lana] Now that's strange. I usually hear voices. >"Excuse me." > Lana walked a few feet away and answered her new cellular >phone. "Hello?" she asked. > "Hey, baby." the voice on the other end replied. > Lana frowned. "Who is this?" > "You've forgotten. I'm so disappointed. I hope I didn't >damage your face too bad." > Then Lana recognized him. "Anubis?" CROW: No, it's Ra. Wrong deity. > "The one and only - most likely." he answered with a >laugh. MIKE: [Anubis] Unless the cloning experiment works this time... > "How'd you get this number?" Lana asked. TOM: Probably from the wall in the boys' bathroom. CROW: Or the girl's. > "That doesn't matter." Anubis said. "I just called to >say hi." > "Right. Where are you?" Lana asked, turning on the warp >zone opener. TOM: Still stuck in this stupid fanfic, apparently. > "Still in Indy. [All hum Indiana Jones theme] > I'll give you the address." > "Please do." Lana said, bringing up a map of Indianapolis >on the small screen. > After Lana got the address and entered in the >coordinates, she hung up. Lana rejoined the others. TOM: If she 'rejoins' with Kristen, I'm gonna be sick. > "Who was on the phone?" Kevin asked. > "Anubis." Lana answered in surprise. > "Anubis?" Stacey asked. "You mean that asshole that >killed his brother?" MIKE: No, the Anubis who opened for Siegfried and Roy. > Lana sighed. "The one and only. I don't know how he got >my number. Look, I gotta go to Indianapolis and find out what he >wants." > "Indianapolis?" Carol asked. "But that's in Indiana. CROW: Really? I thought it was in Wisconsin. TOM: Yep, Carol's no fool, all right. > How >will you get there?" > Lana held up the warp zone opener. "Magic. Guys, see to >it she doesn't tell anyone." MIKE: [Lana] You know, get the duct tape, chains, handcuffs... > Kevin, Stacey, and Kristen nodded. > Lana walked out the front double doors. She walked down >the steps of the gym, checked to make sure no one was around, >and opened a warp. She stepped into it. > > Lana exited the warp and found herself CROW: [Lana] I found myself! See? I'm right here! > standing in the >driveway of a beautiful two-story house. She walked up to the >front door and rang the bell. > The door opened. Anubis was standing there. He looked >pretty much the same as Lana remembered him from nearly a year >ago - MIKE: Except for the green hair and body piercings. > except her was TOM: Except her was busy with Kristen, so she don't recall much. >wearing what looked like a very expensive leather jacket. MIKE: But it was actually a cheap plastic one from Wal-Mart in disguise. > He >wore a neon blue star pin on his right shoulder. > Anubis smiled. "Hey, Lana." > Lana placed her hands on Anubis' shoulders and TOM: Not the hands on the shoulders again!! I can't watch! > pushed him >into the room. "What are you doing?" Anubis asked, slightly >panicked. > Lana backhanded Anubis with her left hand, knocking him >down to the floor. He stood up. "What was that for?!" he yelled. > "For murdering your brother - with my weapon no less." CROW: Wow, some actual exposition. >Lana replied angrily. "I couldn't do it with others around, but >we're alone now." ALL: [singing] "Ooh, I think we're alone now..." > "I killed my brother." Anubis said. "It's no different >than you killing your father." MIKE: Yeah it is -- one's fratricide, the other's patricide. TOM: But they rhyme. > Lana didn't expect to hear that. "How do you know about >that?" > "Once again, it doesn't matter." Anubis said. "The point >is CROW: On top of your head. > killing is killing. Your intentions make no difference. The >end result is the same." MIKE: Not according to our justice system. TOM: "My mommy and daddy verbally abused me so I had to bash their heads in! Can I go home now?" CROW: Thank you, Mr. Menendez. > "You're completely wrong." Lana said. "There's a big >difference. MIKE: [Lana] You did death by shooting, I flattened him with the Warp Wagon. > I killed to save a life. You killed to avenge your >brother, Dorian, long after he'd died." TOM: Wait...he killed his brother to avenge his brother? MIKE: No, the one he killed was his *other* brother Dorian. > She drew her Zapper. >"This gun was used to kill two people. One was murder, the other >wasn't. Guess which one was." ALL: One! No, the other one! No, one! The other one! One! >She holstered her Zapper. "You have to live every single day >with the fact that you committed one of the ugliest acts a human >being is capable of." She shook her head. "I don't see how you >can live with it. As for me, I don't have a guilty conscience. I >try to be a good person, MIKE: Meanwhile, she's playing tongue hockey with a girl who's "just a friend?" CROW: Hey, I'd like to be friends with her. > and the reward I got for making the >right decision is the best a person can receive: the continued >life of a dear friend, and his eternal gratitude and love." TOM: [sniffling] I'm so moved! CROW: And the Academy Award for Most Preachy Dialogue by a Cartoon Character in the Real World goes to.... > Anubis clapped his hands slowly. "Wonderful. Wonderful. >You rehearse that?" > Lana raised her left hand again. MIKE: All right already! She's left-handed! We get it! > Anubis held up his hands in front of him. "No, please!" > Lana lowered her hand, and Anubis lowered his hands. > Lana looked around at the place. "So,...how'd you afford >to buy a place like this? You used to live in an apartment." > Anubis smiled. "My current employers pay me handsomely." TOM: [Lana] Handsomely? You still look like a schnauzer. > "I assume they wouldn't have hired you if you had a >criminal record attached to your resume." > "I wouldn't be too sure about that." > "Who do you work for?" Lana asked. > "What's it to you?" Anubis asked her. > "Just curious." > "Fine." Anubis said. "Come with me." [Mike looks at Crow] CROW: What? I already used that one. > > Anubis led Lana down into the basement. > He turned on the light. "Viola." CROW: The cello, violin, and bass, however, were absent. > "The...Warp Zone Shifter." Lana said. MIKE: Nice ad-lib, Lana, but the cue cards are on *that* side. > She walked down the >stairs. Anubis followed her. TOM: Wait...first he *led* her into the basement, and now he's *following* her down the stairs? MIKE: Maybe there are two sets of stairs. > Lana examined it, then looked at Anubis. "How'd you get >it?" TOM: [Anubis] I got a deal from the Home Shopping Network like you wouldn't believe! > "Well, when I returned to the warehouse last July 4th, >the cops were still there. They demanded to know what was going >on. Of course, I couldn't tell them, CROW: [Anubis] My rethainer got tangled up wif my tongue. > so I shot and killed them >all. Every single one of them." MIKE: Well, he killed them *all*, so we kind of assumed that meant every single one. > Lana was outraged. "Was that really necessary?!!!" > "I thought it was." Anubis answered. "Bob, the guy that >invented the Shifter, TOM: What a creative original character name. CROW: Almost Ratliffian... MIKE: No way. This isn't THAT bad. > was scared shitless, but he made me a job >offer, which I accepted." > "What do you do?" Lana asked. > "I...observe." > "Observe what?" CROW: [Anubis] You and Kristen, mostly. Yowza! > The control panel beeped. > Lana looked at the small screen. "You have an incoming >transmission." Lana told Anubis. "It's from - " TOM: --some freak with bad hair who says he's going to send you a fanfic. MIKE: Careful, Tom. > "The Star Bright Project. I know." Anubis said. "I'll get >it soon enough." > "What's that?" Lana asked. "Is that where you work?" MIKE: [Anubis] No, it's my science fair project! I swear! > "None of your business." Anubis replied. > Lana drew her Zapper and pointed it at Anubis, quickly >walking over to him. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch, you >know something, and you're not telling me! How do you know my >father's dead?! I never told you! What's the Star Bright >Project?! What are you doing with this Warp Zone Shifter?! >Who's in charge?!" TOM: When's the Apocalypse?! Who invented Post-Its?! Why haven't you prepared for 2000?! Who was the man on the grassy knoll?! How do they get fruit to float in Jello?! Where is Area 51 really?! Why is the sky blue?! Why do cats hate water?! What's the capital of South Dakota?! MIKE: Why don't you shut up? > Anubis had backed away from Lana, and now his back was to >a crate. He had nowhere to go. CROW: Except maybe to the right or left. TOM: Or up or down. MIKE: If this were Descent, he'd have lots of choices. > "You're not thinking of using that, are you?" Anubis >half-joked. MIKE: He's not clever enough to make a full joke. > "Answer my questions!" Lana demanded. > "And what if I don't? Are you gonna kill me?" > "How do you know these things about me?!" Lana yelled. >"Answer me!!!" > "Go to Hell!" Anubis yelled at her. MIKE: Which level? > Lana shook her head, gritting her teeth. "I don't believe >in Hell, so I'll just say - " She brought her left leg up and >kneed Anubis in the balls. "Fuck you!" TOM: I'll pass, thanks. CROW: Mike, lemme guess. This wasn't in the cartoon either. > Anubis fell down to the cement floor, groaning and >grabbing his crotch. > Lana turned and fired her Zapper at the shell of the >Warp Zone Shifter, damaging some vital components. CROW: Well, that's what you get for hooking it up to a 386. > Lana ran up the stairs and out of the basement. MIKE: I knew it! There *were* two sets of stairs! > Anubis slowly got to his feet. "Damn, that girl can >fight!" TOM: [to Anubis] Coming from you, that's not saying much. > He staggered over to the Warp Zone Shifter to answer >the transmission. He pressed a button on the control panel. >"Yeah, I'm here." > "You disappoint me, Runes." the male voice on the other >end of the transmission said. "You know no one is to know of >our work." TOM: [Anubis] I know that you know that no one's to know. You know? > "Yeah, man, sorry 'bout that." Anubis said. "I won't >do it again." > "You're damn right, you won't." the voice said. "Sorry I >gotta do this, man. You were a great employee. You realize we >were prepared for something like this." > "Oh, man, no!" Anubis yelled. MIKE: [Anubis] Not the John Tesh tapes again! Please! > > Lana was walking down the driveway when the entire house >was destroyed in a series of explosions. TOM: Wow. Must've played Yanni instead. > The Princess, startled, hit the pavement. CROW: And broke her fingers. > After a while, she turned around and got up. "Anubis!" > The house was nearly gone by now. > Lana stared at it for a few moments. She turned to walk >away when a piece of paper carried by the explosion from the >house came down in front of her. "Huh?" > She reached up with her left hand to touch it. She let >out a yell. The paper was pretty hot. MIKE: Burning paper is never fun to touch. > Slowly, though, Lana was able to hold the paper in both >hands. TOM: You mean the left AND the right? Be specific! MIKE: I think she has two left hands. You never see her doing anything with the right. > She looked at it closely. "What in Videoland?" she >whispered. ALL: [reciting] It's a piece of paper carried by the explosion from the house that came down in front of you. > Lana took out the warp zone opener, looked around, and >opened a warp. She stepped into it. > > The Videoland Club was seated at the table in the >Conference room, as before. "All right, everybody set on how >the tournament will be recorded?" Rick asked. CROW: VHS, not Beta! Please, not Beta! > Mega Man nodded. TOM: WHO'S MEGA MAN?? [Mike sighs and leans over to whisper] TOM: Oh. Of course. > "Affirmative. I've called the TV >station. They're having cameras set up to record every event." CROW: [Rick] Even the synchronized swimming? > Rick nodded. "Good. All right, anything else before >we end the meeting and head over to the arena?" > "I'd like to bring up something." Lana said. MIKE: So would I, but this theater isn't equipped with barf bags. > "This >doesn't have anything to do with the Club, but I think it's >important." TOM: [Lana] I'm the Princess, so I can tell you about my new wax job and it's still important! > "What is it, Lana?" Rick asked. > "When I went to Indiana to see what Anubis wanted, he >showed me the Warp Zone Shifter in the basement. The one that >brought him to Videoland last June. He seemed to be working for >something called the Star Bright Project. He said he 'observes'. >He also seemed to know stuff about me, like my cellular number >and my father dying. I drew my Zapper and demanded answers. He >wouldn't give them." MIKE: This fic even has its own Cliffs Notes. > The others were all looking at Lana. > She knew what they were thinking. TOM: Why would she *want* to? MIKE: There's not a lot to pick up from this bunch. > "No, I didn't kill him. >And I probably wouldn't have. I was just angry." Lana laughed. >"So I hit him in the balls and left." > Kevin, Mike, Rick, Stacey, Kristen, Romeo, and Julius >laughed. CROW: Anything's funny if the comedian's pointing her Zapper at you. > Lana's smile faded. "Then, when I was outside, his house >blew up." The others stopped laughing, shocked. > "He's dead." Lana added pointlessly. > "Do you know who did it?" Kid Icarus asked. TOM: It was the one-armed man! > "If I had to guess, I'd say his employers." Lana said. >"He received a transmission from them shortly before I left." > "Do you know what this Star Bright Project is?" Mike >asked. > "No." Lana answered. She took out the burnt piece of >paper. "However, when I was leaving, I found this." > "Like, what is it?" Stacey asked. ALL: IT'S A BURNT PIECE OF PAPER! > "It's mostly burnt, but it looks like a FAX CROW: Send it to FAX, they'll show anything. > from his >employers." Lana looked at the paper closely. "I can make out a >few words: 'Anubis Runes', 'hereby in charge', 'report to work', >'New Mexico', 'Star Bright Project', 'access code is', 'let no >one know'. That's all I can make out." > A smile formed on Stacey's lips. "I can make out a lot >more than you can." CROW: [Austin Powers] Yeah, baby! > Lana opened her mouth to comment on that, but then >decided not to. > Rick extended his right arm. MIKE: Go-Go Gadget arms! > "Can I see that?" > Lana handed the paper to him. > Rick looked it over. "What do you think this means?" MIKE: Let me guess....Anubis works for this Star Bright Project, it's in New Mexico, there's an access code, and it's supposed to be secret? ALL: Naaaaahhhhh! > Lana shrugged, shaking her head. "I dunno." > "Kevin?" Rick asked. > Kevin shook his head. "Not me." > "Stacey?" > "I have no clue." Stacey replied. TOM: [British accent] It was Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the candlestick! > Mike opened his mouth to comment on that. > "Shut up!" Stacey said firmly, stopping him. > Mike grinned. > "Anyone?" Rick asked. TOM: [Ben Stein] Bueller? Bueller? > "Well, I was born in New Mexico." Kristen put in. "I >lived there until my nineteenth birthday, when me and my parents >moved to Northridge, so I'm pretty familiar with the area. CROW: The whole state??? > But I've never heard of >the Star Bright Project." MIKE: I'm guessing that's because it's supposed to be a secret. > Rick sighed. "Well,...maybe we'll find out...someday. CROW: Ooooh! Foreshadowing! >I'll seal this in a helium-filled glass case to preserve it." >He checked his watch. "Meeting ends at 11:30 AM." ALL: Coffee break!!! [Mike gets up and checks the door] MIKE: Sorry, guys. Still locked. TOM: Arrgh! > The arena was packed. People from all over Megaland, and >some from other video worlds, had come to watch the tournament. > The N Teamsters MIKE: ...led by Jimmy Hoffa, > took their seats. TOM: Hey! Give that back! > "I can't wait to see what the robots do!" Lana said >excitedly. CROW: C'mon down here, honey, and I'll show you what robots do! > "Is Kristen coming?" Kevin asked. TOM: No! Say no! Please say no! > "Yeah, [All groan.] > she just had to drop by her house for a bit." Lana >answered. "She'll be along shortly." > "I hope so. She wouldn't wanna miss this!" Kevin said >with a smile. CROW: Smile...and the whole world knows you're a dolt... TOM: If this guy is the Game Master, they're all in very deep trouble. > > On Earth, in Northridge, Kristen was sitting at her PC, >looking at the Videoland Club CD-ROM. MIKE: [Kristen] So why am I supposed to put this in the cup holder again? > She looked at her digital watch on her left wrist. "Shit, >the tournament's about to start!" > She got up, took out her warp zone opener, opened a warp, >and went into it. > She had forgotten to take the CD with her. MIKE: And yet more foreshadowing ensues. > Just then, her mother walked into the room. "Kristen, >where are you?" TOM: Hanging out with Waldo. > She walked over to her daughter's computer and looked >at the screen. > "Well, well, what have we here?" She sat down and began >looking at the program. > > Kristen warped into the arena. TOM: If you ask me, she was pretty warped already. > "Am I late?" > "Not at all, but it's gonna start soon." Lana smiled. >"I saved you a seat." > "Thanks." Kristen sat down to Lana's left. > "Do you know who's sponsoring this tournament?" >Simon asked. > "Some guy named Mr. X." Rick said. MIKE: Oh, that's comforting... > "What are the eventsicus?" Kid Icarus asked. CROW: A lot of bullshiticus, maybe? > "A bunch of stuff." Rick said. "It's to test the >robots' durability." > "Do they fight?" Kevin asked hopefully. > Rick grinned. "Uh-huh." > Kevin and Mike stood up and did a high-five. "Yes!" > "We get to see 'em kick ass!" Mike said happily. BOTS: YEAH!!!! > They sat back down. > > "WELCOME TO THE 1ST ANNUAL ROBOT TOURNAMENT! THE MOST >TALENTED ROBOT DESIGNERS FROM ALL OVER MEGALAND HAVE BROUGHT >THEIR FINEST CYBERNETIC CREATIONS TO DO BATTLE IN A SERIES OF >TESTS TO SEE WHICH ROBOT CAN CLAIM THE TITLE OF 'THE MOST >POWERFUL ROBOT IN THE WORLD'. LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!" > > The audience watched as the first two robots entered >the arena. The announcer announced the names of the robots >and their creators. The robots competed in breaking things MIKE: Mass destruction, always an essential talent. TOM: They couldn't break things on their own? They had to build robots to do it? >and different fighting techniques. As each round progressed, >more and more incredible robots showed what they could do. CROW: Ha! I could beat any of those tin cans anyday! TOM: How? You can't even crack an egg on your sensor net. MIKE: Don't encourage him, Tom. >Actually, it was the inventors that showed what they could do! BOTS: Hey!! CROW: I don't *think* so! > > Finally, a break was called. MIKE: Have YOU had your break today?? [He gets up to check the door.] > "This is so exciting!" Lana said. > "I wonder what the final event is gonna be." Mike said. > "It's probably, like, a secret, because, ya know, no >one's said anything." Stacey explained. > "Thank you, O' Wise One." Mike said. > "How long of a break before the final event?" Kristen >asked. > "About fifteen minutes." Lana said. > Kristen stood up. "Great. I'll be right back." CROW: ...After these messages from our sponsors. MIKE: All right! It's open! [Mike picks up Tom and they leave the theater. Door sequence.] [SOL. We see Tom and Crow on the bridge. Tom is wearing a blue plastic helmet on top of his dome like Mega Man's. Crow has a blond toupee perched on his sensor net and a blue jacket.] CROW: Is he awake yet? TOM: I don't know. You were a little rough with the crowbar. CROW: It's all for effect. [calling offstage] Gypsy, you ready yet? GYPSY: [offstage] I'm still not talking to you! TOM: Hey, he's waking up! [Mike sits up, rubbing a bump on his head. He's wearing a yellow shirt and a red letter jacket with a black 'N' on the left breast.] MIKE: That's gonna leave a mark...What happened? Where am I? CROW: Welcome to Videoland, Mike Nelson! You're in the Palace of Power! MIKE: Funny, it looks a lot like the Satellite's bridge. CROW: Yeah, uh, appearances can be deceiving. I'm Simon Belmont, Vampire Hunter, and the guy over there is Mega Man. MIKE: If you say so. So what am I doing here? TOM: [calling offstage] Gypsy, you ready yet? GYPSY: [offstage] Just a minute! CROW: You've been chosen by some ancient prophecy to be the savior of Videoland, the great hero Captain N. I think. Anyway, Princess Lana knows the details, if she'll just get out here! [Gypsy shuffles on screen, with a brown wig braided into little buns on either side of her head. Tom and Crow groan.] GYPSY: I'm here! What? CROW: Gypsy, we meant Princess *Lana*, not Princess Leia. GYPSY: I said I'm not talking to you. CROW: Well, she's in character, at least. TOM: Forget it, let's roll with it. GYPSY: Who am I supposed to be again? CROW: You're Princess Lana, Ruler of Videoland. The damsel in distress love interest. TOM: [to Mike] You fall in love with her, then she goes and has an affair with a hairdresser. MIKE: Yeah, this is really looking up. CROW: Well, you can zap bad guys with your Zapper and Power Pad. MIKE: Really? Where? TOM: Oops. CROW: Gah, I knew we forgot something... GYPSY: Can I go now? This wig itches. MIKE: Yeah, go ahead. Thanks for trying, Gypsy. CROW: No, wait! We're not done! Mike's got to do battle with the minions of evil! TOM: With what, a toothpick? GYPSY: I'm going to read my comic books. [to Crow] What's left of them. [She hurries off.] CROW: Wait! We still have to get to the Stacey and Kristen bit! I've got the pompoms and everything! MIKE: Forget it, Crow. It was a good try, though, guys. [rubs his head] I'm going to go get an icepack. [He exits, leaving Crow and Tom on the bridge. Tom shakes his dome around, trying to dislodge the helmet.] TOM: How do you get this thing off again? CROW: We'll be right back. [Doritos commercials] [Mike and the bots enter the theater. When he sits down, Mike presses an icepack to his head.] TOM: Next time, you wear the helmet. CROW: Just be glad I had a crowbar handy. MIKE: I'm glad I never got to see what you planned to do with the pompoms. > Kristen warped into her bedroom. > "Mom!" she yelled in surprise. "What are you doing?!" > Kristen's mother was sitting at the computer, looking >at the screen. TOM: Hypnotized by the absolute realism of the screen saver. CROW: [Kristen] Aren't these girls doing jumping jacks supposed to have clothes on? > "Oh, just reading up on your friends. Princess Lana >Deschain, born June 23, 1974. MIKE: Okay, she's 19. Check. > Simon Belmont, born September 1, >1958. TOM: Uhhh....35? CROW: Are you guys really bored enough to do this? MIKE and TOM: YES!!! > Kid Icarus, born September 21, 1982. MIKE: 11. So they had a seven-year-old with a speech impediment invited into the N-Team. > Doctor Thomas Xavier >Right, born April 15, 1939. TOM: 74, and he even has a middle name! Wow! > Link Chance, born May 9, 1974. > Princess Zelda Harkinian, born May 9, 1973." > Kristen walked up to her and looked at the screen. > "Amazing." Carol said. "Another universe." TOM: [Kristen] Mom, I told you, it's just the newest version of After Dark! > "That doesn't belong to you!" Kristen said. She went >over and ejected the CD, then put it back in its sleeve. "Never >pry into my personal belongings again." MIKE: [to Carol] I think she knows you've been wearing her bras on your head. > Carol stood up. "I am your mother! TOM: Turn to the dark side, Kristen! > I have every right >to know who you're hanging around with!" > "Don't touch my stuff without asking." Kristen said >firmly. CROW: [Kristen] You'll give me cooties! > "Now get out of my room." > Her mother stared at her for a moment, then turned and >walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. > Kristen shut down her PC and warped back to Megaland. > > "Everything okay?" Lana asked. TOM: [Magenta] I'm okay, you're okay, we're ALL okay! Mwa ha ha! MIKE: [to Crow] Five bucks says we're gonna get Rocky Horror again soon. Or a bad RHPS crossover. > "I dunno." Kristen said. She sat back down and handed >Rick the CD case. "Sorry, Rick, I left the CD at home." > "You left a CD-ROM full of info on Videoland on >Earth?!" Kevin asked in disbelief. MIKE: [Rick] You're actually dumber than we thought? > "Yeah." Kristen said. "I just...forgot. I'm sorry. My >mom was reading it. I took it from her, we argued a bit about >my right to privacy, TOM: [Kristen] ...and my right to leave important stuff lying around... CROW: ...and her right to do aerobics naked in the living room... TOM: To play Stevie Nicks tapes backwards... CROW: To worship Larry Flynt... MIKE: To dismantle robots with a sledgehammer... [The bots shut up] > and I sent her out of my room. I'm really >sorry if this causes any harm." > "We'll discuss it later." Rick said. "The final event >is about to start." > Soon, the robot finalists entered the arena for the >final event. There were eight of them. CROW: Because Eight is Enough. [Tom and Mike sigh] > The lights dimmed. > "What's going on?" Simon asked in a whisper. > "I dunno." Stacey whispered back. > Just then, the mysterious Mr. X appeared, standing in >the center of the arena. > The short man had white hair and a white mustache and >beard. He was wearing a cloak that was purple on the outside >and red on the inside. > "That must be Mr. X." Romeo whispered. CROW: Either that, or Santa Claus has a cape fetish. > "Ladies and gentlemen,...I wish to thank you all for >coming to see the final event of my 1st Annual Robot >Tournament." MIKE: [Mr. X] I *wish* I could, but since I can't stand you jerkoffs, I won't. > Mr. X said. "As you know, I have kept the final >event of the tournament a secret. This event will test the >strength, skill, and intelligence of each of these fine >robots. CROW: [Mr. X] Up until now, we've only really tested their cooking skills. > In fact, it will also test the strength and skill of each one of you. That may seem strange, but I'm sure you will understand when I explain that the final test for these robots is to help me conquer the world!" BOTS: Whoo-hoo! TOM: Hey, I like the way this guy thinks. > Gasps and murmurs sounded throughout the arena. > "What?!" Lana asked in disbelief. [All sigh] CROW: [slowly and deliberately] The final test for these robots is to help Mr. X conquer the world. Geez. TOM: This woman needs a hearing aid. > "He's nuts!" Kevin yelled. > Mr. X took out a remote control and reprogrammed the >eight robots. MIKE: The inventors were brilliant enough to create prize- winning robots, yet they kind of forgot to put up safeguards against reprogramming. CROW: Details, details... > "Please excuse me and my robots as we teleport out of >here, but we have a lot of work to do." Mr. X said. "But >don't worry, you'll see me again soon - real soon!" > And with that, Mr. X and the eight robots teleported >out. > Panic filled the arena. TOM: 200,000 gallons of tomato soup would, too, but they couldn't find enough. > The entire N Team and Kristen stood up. > "What do we do?!" Lana asked. MIKE: Fight the bad guys! TOM: Start a rock band! CROW: Churn out lame catchphrases! > "Guys!" a voice called. > They looked to their left. > It was Dr. Li Shiroshi, Gameboy's creator. She ran >up to them. Dr. Right was right behind her. CROW: With his hands right on her-- MIKE: Leave it to the imagination, Crow. > "Dr. Right, how do we stop this madman?!" Kristen >asked. > "Kristen, I want you to go to Earth, where it's >safe." MIKE: I hear Calcutta's nice this time of year. > Lana told her. "We'll handle it." > "Lana, I wanna help!" Kristen protested. > "Go!" the Princess ordered. "I...I don't wanna see you >get hurt." CROW: You seem to be in the minority. TOM: Die! Die! Die! >Kristen nodded, then opened a warp and went back to Earth. MIKE: Bye, Kristen! Don't hurry back! > "To my lab, quickly!" TOM: No, to the Batcave! > Dr. Right said. "We've got to >figure out what to do!" > > Kristen warped TOM: ...The minds of all the innocents who read this. MIKE: Too late for Crow. > back to her bedroom, hoping Lana and the >others would be all right. Lana, especially. MIKE: [Kristen] I hope Lana's okay. And I hope Kevin falls into a black hole. > She picked up the phone to call a friend and chat to >pass the time. Then she realized that someone was already >using the phone. She kept quiet and listened. > "Yes, I was wondering if I could come to work today." >her mother said. TOM: [Carol] Working at the sewage treatment plant is so fun I just couldn't wait until Monday! > "Why?" a man asked. > "To create a video game." > "You wanna come in on a Saturday just to create a >game?" > "It's a personal project." Carol said. > "All right." her boss said. "What's the game gonna be >about, just out of curiosity?" CROW: [Boss] I really don't care, as long as you sleep with me. [Mike sighs.] > "Oh, it'll be neat! And no matter if you win or lose, the >entire universe will be destroyed." MIKE: And the point of playing it is? > Kristen jolted. TOM: [Kristen] Whoa, I *knew* I shouldn't have had the jumping beans put on my pizza.... > "Uh,...okay." her boss replied. "It's your game, Carol." > "I'll be there in a half hour." she said, and hung up. > Her boss did as well. CROW: Guess she didn't like how he was hung. > Kristen nervously slammed down the phone. "Holy Shit!" > She opened a warp. > > The N Team, Dr. Right, and Dr. Shiroshi were standing >around a metal table in Dr. Right's main lab. > The viewscreen was on, and it was tuned to VNN, the >Videoland News Network. TOM: "This....is VNN." [Crow belches] MIKE: Aah, so that's the difference. > The N Teamsters MIKE: Had been getting concessions from the corporations for years. > and the two doctors were >watching the broadcast rapt attention. TOM: Huh? Why would they broadcast rapt attention? > "This is Cathy Bennett, reporting live from Capital >City. Minutes ago, Mr. X, the sponsor of the 1st Annual Robot >Tournament, reprogrammed the eight robot finalists and is now >attempting to conquer Megaland! CROW: For those of you who couldn't tell by the explosions, debris, and flying body parts... > I am standing in the center of the arena >where this occurred. Let's go live to our camera crews and see >what's happening." > The viewscreen image changed to show different parts of >Megaland. The eight robots were shown one at a time, causing >massive destruction, along with a bunch of other smaller >robots. Buildings were being destroyed. People were being killed. >The police 'bots were nearly powerless to do anything about it. > The image changed back to Cathy. "The intensity of this >situation is escalating. So far, forty people have been declared >dead, five-hundred wounded, and damages estimated at >300,000,000 credits. TOM: Which amounts to, oh, sixty dollars and thirty-four cents. > Dr. Thomas Right and Dr. Li Shiroshi are reportedly >working with the N Team at this very moment to combat this >threat. CROW: Wow, let's just tell the whole world what the good guys are doing, huh? > We will have uninterrupted live coverage for as long as >this situation continues." > Dr. Right turned off the channel. > "All right, this emergency meeting is now called to >order." Princess Lana said. > Kristen warped in. "Guys!" > They all looked at her. MIKE: [Kristen] What, do I have something in my teeth? > "Kristen, I told you to go home." Lana said. "We just >started a meeting." > "We've got bigger problems." Kristen said. CROW: Carol's going on the Jerry Springer show? > "I just >overheard my mom on the phone saying she's gonna create a video >game where the entire universe is destroyed!" MIKE: Oh, so *that's* all. CROW: Springer would have been more fun. > Everyone gasped. > "Wait a minute." Rick said. "Official game or personal >project?" > "Duh." Kristen answered. > "Oh." Rick said, then laughed. "Right. Well, then, I >don't think you have anything to worry about. Official >overrides personal." > "Besides, there's no real proof that the events in >every game created on Earth will occur in Videoland." Lana >pointed out. MIKE: Just the ones Nintendo makes. > "That umbilical cord theory of mine TOM: [Lana] You know, the one about how babies survive in the womb? > is just that: a theory. >It could all just be coincidence." She shrugged. "Or - or maybe >people with ESP on Earth receive messages from Videoland in >their dreams and then come up with ideas for games based on them." CROW: So that's where that dream I had with Stacey wearing nothing but a-- MIKE: Forget it, Crow, I'm not going to analyze any more of your dreams. > "Yeah, but what if you're wrong?" Kristen asked. "Should >we really take that risk?" MIKE: Let's see, keep an eye on Carol to keep Videoland from being destroyed, or risk the fate of Videoland but have a lot less scenes with Kristen? TOM: Yeah! Risk it! > They all thought for a moment, looking at each other. CROW: Kristen ogled Lana, Lana ogled Kevin, Kevin ogled Stacey, Stacey watched a bug on the wall, Mega Man ogled Kid... > "Okay," Lana said, "I'll go to Earth with you and talk >with your mom." > "No." Kristen said, then smiled. "I had handle it." MIKE: She's handled *way* too much already, if you ask me. > She and Lana laughed. > "Okay, it's up to you." Lana said. "We'll just stop Mr. >X." TOM: [Kristen] Oh, sure, give me all the hard stuff! CROW: Servo... Naaah. Too easy. > "Well, I think I'll stick around for a while." Kristen >said. "I wanna hear how you're gonna kick his ass." > Everyone laughed. > Suddenly, Mr. X's image appeared on the viewscreen. "I >hope I'm interrupting something!" > Mega Man walked up to the large viewscreen. "Mr. X! >Why?!" he asked angrily. > "It's time to tell you the truth." Mr. X addressed everyone. MIKE: The truth is out there, Agent Mulder... TOM: In the Mr. X Files! >"I have been manipulating that fool, Dr. Wily, from the >beginning. TOM: Are we supposed to know who Dr. Wily is? 'Cause I don't! CROW: Just think about it for a minute, Servo. > But now I no longer need Dr. Wily's help." He looked >at the green robot. "Come CROW: Can a robot do that? MIKE: Well, he did go through the Warp of Life... Hey!! > and face my power, Mega Man!" > "We'll stop you!" Mega Man said. > Mr. X chuckled. "I'd like to see you face my 'bots!" > The transmission ended. > "Okay." Kevin said. "Time for a plan." TOM: They don't have a plan yet? AAAAHHHH!!! MIKE: Calm down, Tom... just take slow, deep breaths... [Tom begins hyperventilating] > "We're not familiar with this guy." Lana said. "Who >knows what kinds of tricks he has up his sleeves. I think >we'll need help." MIKE: [to Lana] Hate to break it to you, but you already need help. [Tom is still wheezing loudly] > Dr. Shiroshi nodded. "Who do you have in mind?" > "Link and Zelda." [Mike whacks Tom on the back, hard. The wheezing stops.] CROW: Thanks a lot, Nelson. He was drowning out the fanfic. > "But they're not all that familiar with robots." she >responded. > "They're good fighters." Lana told her. "And they're >our allies." CROW: Asking their enemies would be kind of pointless, anyway. > "All right, Princess." > Lana went up to the control panel and called North >Castle. > Soon, Princess Zelda's face appeared on the viewscreen. > "Lana, hi!" Zelda greeted with a smile. > "Hi, Zelda." Lana said, returning the smile to her >friend. TOM: [Lana] I want a refund! > "Listen, we're at Dr. Right's lab. Can you and Link >come here right away?" > Zelda nodded. "Sure, Lana. Hyrule out." MIKE: And Hyrule is outta there! That was it, folks, the game is over! TOM: Don't I wish. > The transmission ended. > Soon, a warp opened, and Link and Zelda exited it. The >warp closed. TOM: Just this once, I'd like to see it stay open. > "Hey, guys, what's up?" Link asked. > "Okay, here's what happened." Kevin said. "Bad guy >named Mr. X takes over the eight robot finalists of his own >tournament; wants to conquer the world; we gotta stop him." MIKE: If only the real action had been so brief. TOM: I can see Kevin has a bright future as a writer of newspaper headlines. > "All right, what's the plan?" Link asked. > "I wanted you here before we formed one." CROW: She wants to form it with her bare hands. > Lana said. >"Docs, any ideas?" > "A ton." Dr. Right said with a smile. [All groan] > The N Team, Link, Zelda, Kristen, and the two doctors >gathered around the metal table again. > Dr. Right looked at Mega Man. "First off, I'm gonna >tweak your Mega Buster to give it a bit more firing power." TOM: Not in front of us, you're not! CROW: Guess the Warp of Life did more than we thought, huh, Mike? MIKE: Shut up. > Mega Man nodded. "Good." > Dr. Right went to work. "When I created it for you on >September 11th of last year to replace your old blaster, I >was only vaguely familiar with the technology. MIKE: [Mega Man] So *that's* why it only shot rotten fruit before! > Now, I'll be >able to improve on it." > "Mega cool!" Mega Man said. > "Also, me and Dr. Shiroshi have been working CROW: Me have been working too -- and I know my grammar. > on some >new inventions lately." Dr. Right said with a smile. "Li?" > Li nodded, smiling. "We started on these a month ago. >Laboring long and hard, Dr. Right and I were able to design >two new transformation circuits for use with Rush." Her smile >faded. "However, they were stolen. MIKE: Geez, you get our hopes up and then.... > Once Mega Man finds these >power adapters, he will be able to call Rush to his side, >and, together, they will become more powerful than ever!" CROW: The thought of Rush Limbaugh gaining any more power frightens me. > Dr. >Shiroshi took a remote control out of her right labcoat >pocket and pressed a button. TOM: [Dr. Shiroshi] Come on! I just want to watch Comedy Central! > A hologram appeared in the center >of the metal table. "Rush can transform into body armor and >give Mega Man an extra punch. Charge up the armor to make a >really big hit! The armor can be used to break through cracked >stone walls!" CROW: Only $19.99 at Toys R Us! Mega Man sold separately. > She looked at Mega Man. "A warning, though: >Because of the size of the armor, you can't use other weapon >systems or slide while wearing it." She looked at the remote >control and pressed another button. The hologram changed. >"Rush can also transform into a jet pack to help launch Mega >Man into the sky! Firing the turbo thrusters will send Mega >Man soaring into the sky." She looked at Mega Man again. MIKE: She got tired of telling the remote control everything. > "Another little warning: The turbo thrusters can only >keep you in the air for a short time before they overheat and >drop you back down to the ground." She turned the hologram off >and looked at everyone. "Any questions or comments?" TOM: Yeah, do you really have to quote the manual? > "Duh, yeah, can I have one?!" Julius asked with a grin. BOTS: NO!!!! MIKE: When did Frank get in this fic? > Li smiled. "Sorry, Julius." > "There, done." Dr. Right said with a smile. TOM: Sure, we all know he was checking Li out... MIKE: He just might be her Dr. Right. > He put his >tools away. CROW: [Li] You better, boy, or you ain't getting any! > "Like always, you can charge up your shots to make >them more powerful." > "Mega thanks, Dr. Right!" Mega Man said. > "But, for this mission, you'll need a little more help." >Li Shiroshi said. TOM: [sarcastically] Li *Shiroshi?* Really? I thought it was Li Snodgrass talking. > "Dr. Right and I have been hard at work to >create a remote controlled attack bird named Beat. MIKE: It wears a black turtleneck, hangs out in coffeehouses, and writes really bad poetry. > But Beat's >four new circuit plates are missing!" > "I'm not sure where they are." Dr. Right said. "If you're >able to find and collect the B, E, A, and T circuit plates, >teleport them back to the lab for final assembly." > "Once Dr. Right and I have completed Beat, he'll be ready >to swoop to your rescue on command." Li said. "Whistle, CROW: [Li] Just put your lips together and blow me. > and >he'll soar down from the clouds. Beat will automatically attack >any enemy near you and shred them to tin foil with his razor- >sharp talons!" TOM: [Li] And I'll just keep quoting the manual to sound like I know what I'm talking about! > "Can't wait to see that!" Mike said with a huge grin. > "In addition to Rush's enhancements and Beat, I've >created a new robot that may be off MIKE: Off his rocker like the rest of them. > some help." Dr. Right said. >"Eddie!" > Everyone was curious about this. A red robot with tall >legs walked up to the group. TOM: The robot isn't tall -- just its legs. > "This is Eddie?" Simon asked. CROW: You see any other nameless robots around here? > "Eddie is my latest invention." Dr. Right said proudly. >"I built him yesterday. He's kind of a cybernetic suitcase." Dr. >Right chuckled. TOM: [Dr. Right] That was supposed to be humorous. You can laugh now. > "The first in a line of Flip-Top models. TOM: Oh, it's a Pez dispenser! > Eddie, >say hi to everyone!" > "Hi to everyone!" Eddie said in a friendly voice. MIKE: I'm Eddie, your shipboard computer! > The others laughed. > "Hey, what's up, Eddie?!" Mike asked. > "The ceiling." Eddie replied. > Everyone laughed again. > "He's adorable." Lana said. > Stacey kneeled down and rubbed Eddie. TOM: In just the right spot. CROW: [Eddie] A little higher....no, too high...down a little... oh, YEAH! > "And so cute!" CROW: See? See? She'd go for metal! MIKE: Forget it, guys, it's not gonna happen. BOTS: Awwwww.... > "Thought you might like a little cybernetic support." Dr. >Right said to Mega Man. "Flip-Top will teleport down with a >power-up item from time to time." MIKE: But never when you really need it. > "Great!" Mega Man said. > "And, of course, there's the usual power-ups you'll pick >up along the way - energy pellets, weapon capsules, energy >tanks, and 1-Ups." Dr. Right finished. > "I guess we're ready, then." Kevin said. > A whistle sounded. [All start whistling the Andy Griffith theme] > Suddenly, Proto Man teleported into the room. Mega Girl >had teleported in to his right. > "Aren't you forgetting us?" Proto Man asked with a smile. TOM: We're trying, believe me. > "You guys wanna come?" Mega Man asked. > "Yeah!" Mega Girl said, nodding and smiling. "We're gonna >help you kick robotic butt!" > Lana laughed. "You're welcome to come along, Blues and >Roll!" CROW: Who're they? I only see Proto Man and Mega Girl. > "Are we ready to go?" Link asked. > "Almost." Lana said, looking at Link and Zelda. "I want >you two to join the N Team." > Everyone was taken by surprise at this. > "Us? Join the N Team?" Zelda asked. MIKE: Actually, she was talking to the Deadheads standing behind them. CROW: Oh, *they're* Blues and Roll. > "Why?" > "As honorary members." Lana said. "You'd still live on >Hyrule, of course, but I'd like us to be a team." CROW: What would Kristen say to that? TOM: Or Kevin? > She paused momentarily. "To tell you the truth, ALL: You can't handle the truth! > I've been >thinking about this since the two of you helped us during the >Second Videoland War. Wadaya say?" > "We'd be honored!" Zelda said with a smile. > "Yeah. Can we go now?" Link asked. TOM: Mike, can we leave too? Please? MIKE: I wish. > "Welcome to the N Team, then, Link Chance and Zelda >Harkinian! Welcome!" Lana said with delight. > "You'll go soon." Dr. Right said. "First, let me give you >the names of the robots that were stolen and reprogrammed." > "Robot Masters now." Rick said pointedly. > Kevin looked at him. "New game?" > Rick nodded. "You can bet on it! Mega Man 6!" > Kevin smiled. "I'll have to buy it when we get home!" MIKE: [Kevin] I'm too stupid to have thought of it before this happened! > Dr. Right had gone to his computer, and now came back >with a datapad. "Plant Man, Wind Man, Flame Man, Tomahawk Man, >Yamato Man, Knight Man, Centaur Man, and Blizzard Man." > "Is it just me, or are these Robot Master names getting >sillier and sillier?" Kevin asked. ALL: It's not you! > Dr. Right handed Kevin the datapad. "Here are the >coordinates for the sections of Megaland they've taken over." > "So, now we're going, right?" Link asked impatiently. > "Just a bit of helpful advice." CROW: Just give them the manual and let's go. > Dr. Right said. "Each >Robot Master may be vulnerable to a certain type of weapon. If a >Robot Master seems too hard to defeat using your normal weapons, >you may need to acquire a special weapon to defeat him. If your >special weapon runs out of energy, pick up a weapon capsule >while the special weapon is active, and it will recharge the >weapon. It is not necessary to collect the four Beat circuit >plates to defeat Mr. X, but it will sure help! MIKE: Translation -- get the damn things or he'll kick all of your asses. > Mr. X has also >stolen an Energy Balancer we were working on yesterday. If you >should find it, the Energy Balancer, or Energy Economizer if you >want, will automatically recharge your lowest weapon energy >level each time you pick up a weapon capsule. That's it; I'm >done." ALL: Finally! > Link stared at him. > Dr. Right laughed. "Yes, yes, Link, now you can go!" > "Good luck!" Li said. > The N Team, Kristen, Proto Man, and Mega Girl teleported >out of the lab. > > They warped to the room that housed the Warp Zone Shifter >in the N Team's house. MIKE: It's the room that housed the Shifter in the house that Dr. Right built. > Lana looked at Kristen. "Time for you to go." > Kristen looked at her for a moment, then leaned forward >and kissed her softly on the lips. TOM: Okay, her boyfriend is standing RIGHT THERE... CROW: Hey, he gets to watch them make out. Maybe that's why he smiles so much. > "Be careful,...my love." MIKE: Whew, for a minute there I thought she was gonna call her "Imzadi." > Lana nodded without comment. > Kristen opened a warp to Earth and went into it. ALL: [chanting] The warp closed! > The warp >closed. > "Okay," Kevin said, "let's decide where each of us is >going. There's sixteen of us, so two per Robot Master. TOM: Complex math from an equally complex mind. > Me and >Link will take on Plant Man." > "Lana and I will take Knight Man." Zelda said. > "Duh, me and Romeo will score a touchdown on Flame Man!" >Julius said, tossing his football in his right hand. > "Me and Kid Icarus have Wind Man." Mega Man said. > "Me and Duke TOM: Who's Duke?? > shall handle Blizzard Man." Gameboy said, >beeping. > "Like, me and Mega Girl will totally kick Centaur Man's >ass!" Stacey said. > "Me and Mike will confront Tomahawk Man." Rick said. MIKE: They can't even handle grammar except for Zelda. And we're supposed to expect them to take out these lethal robots? TOM: [Stacey] Like, me will totally try! > "That leaves Yamato Man for me and Simon." Proto Man >said. > "That settles it, then." Kevin said. "Each group take a >warp zone opener. Once you destroy your Robot Master, report to >Dr. Right's lab." > So, the battle to save Megaland had begun. CROW: You mean it hasn't even STARTED yet? TOM: Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! > > Kevin and Link warped into Plant Man's domain. > "What's this place called?" Link asked. > "The Forgotten Area." Kevin answered. CROW: I wish the author had forgotten it. > "Heh, no kidding. Looks like no one's been here in quite >a while!" > It was a forest. A very deep, thick forest. MIKE: A very deep, thick, dark, dank, scary forest... > There was >grass growing all over the place. It covered a lot of the >equipment and buildings that had been built there. > Kevin and Link started off. They were ankle high in >grass. They came across a flying robot with a propeller. Leaves >from the trees fell down on them. TOM: The birds sang. The breeze carried their gentle melody. Link was strangled by a robot spider. The grass was ankle high. MIKE: Wow, that was almost...poetic. Very zen. TOM: Thank you. > Kevin zapped the robot, and >they continued along. CROW: Nail-biting action! Almost Ratliffian. > > Mega Man and Kid Icarus teleported into Wind Man's stronghold. > "So, this is the Mechanical Tower." Mega Man said. "I >always wondered what it looks like." ALL: IT'S A METAL TOWER! DUH! > It looked pretty ordinary. They were high in the sky. >The tower was a metallic structure, mostly red with some yellow. CROW: With just a hint of mauve mixed in. > Mega Man walked forward, and Kid Icarus followed him, >flying close behind. > They entered into a building that had no door, MIKE: And how, pray tell? TOM: [Glinda] Just click your heels together three times, and repeat after me--"There's no place like the Mechanical Tower. There's no place like the Mechanical Tower." >and they saw the first robot. CROW: Millions of years ago, the first robot crawled out of the sea of used car parts and motor oil.... [Mike and Tom stare at him] CROW: You know, "the first robot?" Never mind. > "That looks like a panda bearicus." Kid Icarus said. TOM: It looks like a panda bear, smells like a panda bear, sounds like a panda bear, but is it? MIKE: When you splash it with hot water, it turns into Genma Saotome. > The mechanical bear started firing at them. Mega Man >returned fire and destroyed it. They went on their way. > They came to another bear guarding a ladder. Mega Man hit >that one also. > They climbed up the ladder. CROW: And Donkey Kong squashed them flat with a barrel. > Waiting for them at the top was a purple robot on wheels. >It zoomed toward them. Kid Icarus drew an arrow and fired. It >bounced off the robot, who kept approaching. > "Oh-no-icus! My arrows don't affect them!" MIKE: [to Kid] Maybe you should use something stronger than a Paper Arrow. > Mega Man fired at the robot and destroyed it. > They went across the room. Mega Man jumped and climbed up >the ladder. Kid Icarus just flew up. CROW: And I almost flew up reading fis fic. TOM: Wrong speech impediment. > In the next room, they went up another ladder. Waiting at >the top was another panda bear, which Mega Man took care of. They >climbed up yet another ladder. > > Romeo and Julius arrived in Flame Man's fiery lair. It was >an oil field. They started walking forward. CROW: What, Flame Man took over Texas? TOM: Ah reckon he shot J.R. MIKE: No, it was Kristen! Kristen! [All stop and stare at each other.] TOM: Heyyyyy... > Romeo jumped down a large step and landed in something. >"Huh?" MIKE: [Romeo] Hasn't Mr. X ever heard of a pooper-scooper? > He looked down. His feet were ankle-deep in oil. He turned >around. "Julius, look - " TOM: Look! Look! I can fly, Wendy! I can fly! > Just then, Julius slipped. He started yelling, trying to >keep his balance. Finally, though, he landed on his big butt. [All make whoopie cushion sound] > "Out." Romeo finished. He helped Julius get to his feet, >which wasn't an easy task! > Julius rubbed his sore butt. "Ooh, that hurt!" > "We'll have to be careful with the oil on the floor. It's >slippery!" Romeo said. MIKE: Romeo's the observant type, isn't he? CROW: [Romeo] Hey! I just realized! Julius is a dumbass! > They climbed up another step. A Metool was waiting for them. TOM: Me tool! You Tarzan! >Romeo took out his remote control and waited. CROW: For the free Showtime preview. > When it lifted its >helmet to fire, Romeo fired first. The Metool was destroyed. It >left an extra life. > "Cool!" Romeo said. He reached for it. > Julius stopped him. "Duh, why do you get it?!" MIKE: [Romeo] I tend to get it because I have the brains to understand Simon's jokes! CROW: That's not saying much. > "Because I destroyed the Met!" Romeo said. TOM: [Romeo] I've always hated opera. > "Duh,...okay." Julius decided. > Romeo took the extra life. MIKE: Get Met Life. It pays. > They continued on their way. > > Rick and Mike warped into Tomahawk Man's territory. It was >in the desert. There were some canyons to their left, and there >was a bunch of fencing. CROW: En garde! > "This is the Restricted Area." Rick said. > "No kidding." Mike replied. > "Let's go." > They started walking, avoiding all of the cacti. CROW: Only to step into a warm pile of... > "Shit, CROW: Hehehehe! TOM: Hey, quit reading ahead! > man, it's so hot!" Mike said, wiping his forehead. > Rick was wiping his own forehead. "I know, man. Listen, >it'll probably get cooler once we get underground." > They came across a green robot wearing a green cowboy hat >and holding a gun. It started firing at them. Mike and Rick >dodged, then Mike drew his Zapper and returned fire, destroying >the robot. > "This place ain't so tough." Mike said. He picked up the >robot's cowboy hat and tried it on. > Rick smiled and shook his head. > > Proto Man and Simon teleported into Yamato Man's stage. > They seemed to be high in the air, since there was a >mountain to their left. ALL: [singing] "Rocky mountain high..." > They could even see buildings. CROW: And that tells us they were high in the air because...? > They were >standing on an orange floor. MIKE: Mr. X didn't major in interior design, I see. > "The Impregnable Fortress." Proto Man identified. > The two of them started forward. > "What's that, a golden raccoon?" Simon asked. > Proto Man shook his head. "This Mr. X is weird!" He fired >at it and destroyed it. > > Princess Zelda and Princess Lana warped into Knight Man's >area. > "The Capital of Science." Lana observed. ALL: [singing] Weird Science! > They were standing outside on a green floor. Ahead of them >was a drop. So, the two Princesses went and jumped CROW: ...each other. > Waiting at the bottom was a robot on wheels, which Lana >took care of with her Zapper. Then they went down another drop. >Now they were underground. There were a whole bunch of pipes >criss-crossing each other. TOM: [Lana] Wait a minute! This is Super Mario 3! > Ahead of them was a robot that fired >from its top. Lana fired at it. Every time she fired at the body, >the robot's green head would rise up. [Bots start giggling] MIKE: Not a word, guys, or I'm breaking out the chainsaw. > "That's it!" Lana said. "I have to fire at the head!" > So, she did, and the robot was destroyed. They continued >onward. > > Mega Girl and Stacey teleported into Centaur Man's domain. > "The Ancient City!" Mega Girl said in wonder. > "Like, duh!" Stacey said. > They were standing on a floor, but there was water all >around them. CROW: Water, water everywhere, not a drop to drink... > "Like, I hope you can swim, Roll!" Stacey said. > Mega Girl nodded. TOM: [Mega Girl] I hope Roll can swim too, because I sure can't! > They jumped into the water. Suddenly, a robot flew toward >them. Mega Girl was about to fire at it, but it exploded on its >own. > "Good thing we were far enough away!" Mega Girl said. > When they got out of the water, a flying robotic duck with >a propeller dropped two robotic fish near them, then flew away. >Then the fish exploded. MIKE: Anyone notice a trend here? TOM: No, he hasn't pounded us over the heads with it enough yet. > "That sure was dumb!" Stacey said. TOM: [to Stacey] That means you're on the same IQ level as the bad guys. > They jumped into the water again, and another robot came >by and exploded. And then another. > They jumped over a pit. Another robot came by and >exploded. Then another duck flew by and dropped two more fish, >which exploded. TOM: Make it stop! Mike, please, I can't take it anymore! MIKE: [monotone] It just keeps going and going and going... > Stacey groaned. "This is getting annoying!" CROW: You're telling us. > > Gameboy and Duke warped into Blizzard Man's icy domain. > Duke's teeth immediately started chattering. TOM: [Tooth #1] Hey, Molar, you've still got some of that last Milkbone stuck in your gum. CROW: [Tooth #2] I know. It's chafing me like you wouldn't believe. MIKE: He said chattering, not chatting. BOTS: Ohhhhh... > "This place is identified as the Frozen Island." Gameboy >said, then beeped. "Estimate: 1.5 hours until circuits freeze and >2.0 hours until death of canine lifeform." CROW: And 1.75 hours until our brains shut down reading this dreck. MIKE: Well, aren't we Mr. Positive today. > Duke gulped. > "Ready to proceed? Begin." > Gameboy and Duke moved past the green fence they were in >front of. They could see a mountain to their left. > They found a small robodog that sucked in the cold air and >turned it into snowballs, then hurled them at the two heroes. CROW: So it attacked them with frozen vomit. > Duke got a snowball in the face and shook it off. MIKE: Yep, Mr. X isn't pulling any punches here. No sir. > Gameboy materialized a fist out of his screen and pounded >the robot dog. It was destroyed. > They jumped onto a platform that only lasted three seconds >before exploding. Fortunately, they were across the pit by then. > Gameboy destroyed a small flying robot, and they went >under some ice blocks. > They encountered two robodogs while crossing over some >ice. Duke slipped and fell. CROW: Having been deprived the company of the female of the species, any close facsimile was bound to distract him like that. TOM: Huh? CROW: Duke was so horny he'd get it up at the sight of a metal bi-- MIKE: Hey, Crow, want to be thrown out the airlock? > Gameboy flew overhead and destroyed >the two robodogs. TOM: What's a "metal bi" anyway? MIKE: Tom, Duke is a dog. You know, "canine lifeform"? TOM: Why don't they ever tell me these things? > Gameboy then landed and helped Duke to his feet. "Are you >injured?" > Duke shook his head, whimpering. MIKE: [Duke] Just my pride! > "Then we shall proceed." > Duke whimpered more loudly and followed him. > > Kevin and Link came across a kind of mechanical frog CROW: Kevin kissed it and it turned into a mechanical prince. > in >the grass. Link shot a beam from his sword and took care of it. CROW: Bud. MIKE: Weis. TOM: Errrk! > The two heroes MIKE: Batman and Robin? CROW: Roland and Oliver? TOM: He means Kevin and Link. CROW: Oh. > soon made their way into the building. It >was easy, because there was no door. MIKE: So they walked through the walls? CROW: We don' need no steenking doors! > They climbed up a ladder, Kevin going first and Link >following. There was a big purple robot waiting for them in the >room at the top. TOM: [falsetto] I've been waiting for you, boys. > It was able to fly using thrusters. > Kevin and Link fired at it and made their way across the >room. There was another ladder there. They climbed up. > There was a mounted gun at the top that started firing at >them. CROW: The girl it was mounting was not pleased at all. >Also, there was a small robot with a propeller that looked >like a flying video camera. MIKE: Cambot! What are you doing in this fanfic? > Kevin handled the gun, TOM: Lovingly fondling it... > while Link >handled the camera. MIKE: Guess what! You're on Totally Hidden Video! This was all just a setup, you can go home now. The End. > They continued onward. > > "What do we do-icus?" Kid Icarus asked. CROW: Show off your bad speech impediments. MIKE: Whine about how short you are. TOM: You know -- hero stuff. > They were in an empty room. There were two fans in the >floor. Across the room, very high up, was a ladder, and a flying >robot was guarding it. TOM: [to author] Let's review the definition of "empty", shall we? > "We'll have to let the wind from the fans push us up." >Mega Man said. > "But my wings! MIKE: [Kid Icarus] Look at this! I'm so boringicus I'm molting! > And I'm so lighticus, I'll hit the >ceiling!" Kid Icarus cried. > Mega Man grabbed hold of his waist from behind him. "I'll >hold you down!" [All start snickering] MIKE: Can anyone think of a clean riff for this one? CROW: Uhh... not really. > "Okayicus!" Kid Icarus flew over the first fan. They were >lifted up into the air. ALL: [singing] You are the wind beneath my wings! > The flying robot started firing red balls at them. > Kid Icarus nervously dodged them. "Oh, boyicus!" > "You're doing fine. Now fly to the next fan." Mega Man >said. > Kid Icarus did. Mega Man fired at the flying robot, >destroying it. The two heroes grabbed hold of the ladder. > Mega Man smiled. "See? Your head never touched the ceiling!" > Kid Icarus laughed. CROW: [Kid Icarus] Huh, huh, huh, huh. You said "head"-icus. > They climbed up. > > After going through some more oil and defeating some more >Mets, MIKE: What is this, the World Series? > Romeo and Julius jumped over a pit. [Crow starts laughing hysterically] TOM: What's with you? CROW: Romeo and Julius....hehehehe....I just got it! [All start snickering] MIKE: Crow, I think that was an *intentional* joke in this fic. [All stop laughing, stunned.] TOM: We're in BIIIGGGG trouble. > A small flying orange robot started dropping fire near >them. MIKE: [South Park] Dude! You're farting fire! > It landed on an oil barrel. > "Let's get outta here!" Romeo cried. TOM: [Romeo] I'm never gonna get this out of my hair! > They jumped onto some ledges. Romeo looked down. There >were spikes underneath. MIKE: Boiling lava would have offset the color scheme too much. > Worse, another one of those robots >dropping some fire down there. It touched the oil, immediately >spreading the flame. Romeo shielded his eyes. TOM: Wait a minute, what oil? He said there were *spikes* down there! *SPIKES!!* MIKE: That way lies madness. > Duh, I'm getting hot!" Julius said, wiping his forehead >with his right arm. > "I wonder why." Romeo mumbled. > TOM: He doesn't know?? HE DOESN'T KNOW??? MIKE: We've gotta get him out of here. CROW: Come on. I've got a plan. [Mike picks up Tom, who is mumbling incoherently. Door sequence.] [Valtrex commercials. "It's about suppression."] [Deep 13. The trays are gone, and behind Dr. F are three people in suits, standing stock still with their eyes glazed over. Frank is groveling and sobbing.] DR. F: Well, at least the pate incident didn't foul up my plans entirely. FRANK: Please, sir, oh please! I'm too young to die! DR. F: I'm not going to kill you, Frank. Calm down. FRANK: You're--you're not? DR. F: Of course not. Now will you let go of my leg? [Frank gets up.] Thank you. Now just watch the Three Stooges over there and make sure they don't wander off. I'm going to check up on the latest experiment. [He taps at a few buttons.] [SOL. Mike and the Bots are walking around in a circle, carrying protest signs. Crow and Tom are wearing tie-dyed bandannas.] ALL: Heck no! We won't go! Heck no! We won't go! [Deep 13] DR. F: What's the meaning of this? [SOL. The three protestors stop marching around.] MIKE: We refuse to read the rest of this fanfic on the grounds that we all find it highly offensive. CROW: The robots are always portrayed as mindless, one-dimensional characters who exist only for violence! TOM: The good guys are just as shallow and violent as the bad guys! DR. F: And what are YOU protesting, Nelson? MIKE: I'm offended that this fanfic features a character named Mike. [Deep 13. Behind Dr. F, Frank is standing on one foot. The board members imitate him.] DR. F: Oh, really? You're offended? Why, Mike, I never knew! Well, this changes everything! [SOL] CROW: Really? [Deep 13. Frank and the board members are doing the Chicken Dance.] DR. F: You see, I've been going to a lot of sensitivity training nowadays -- you have to in order to get anywhere lately -- and I have one thing to say to you. [grins evilly] DEAL WITH IT! I don't have to cater to anyone's opinions! I have real POWER! I own the Board of Directors now! [He finally turns and sees the fiasco.] Frank! What are you doing?? FRANK: Well, you said it was a party, sir! And they catch on so well! DR. F: Oy. Forget it. [Waves dismissively at camera.] Just - just go read the fanfic already. Might as well have some fun while I'm at it. When in Rome... [He punches a few buttons, and the Chicken Dance music starts playing.] [SOL. Mike and the bots look depressed.] TOM: Well. That was pointless. CROW: Hey, I tried, okay? [Door sequence. Mike carries Tom in and they sit down.] > The young dude slapped leather. CROW: Eh, I'm not even touching that one. > His opponent did the same. > Mike's eyes narrowed. > So did the 'bot's. > There were beads of sweat on Mike's forehead. TOM: And stains of something else on his pants. > The robot started spurting oil. CROW: From which part? MIKE & TOM: EWWWWWW! > The tension was as thick as Julius' skull. > "Draw." Mike said. > Before the robot could, Mike did, and shot it. The robot >was destroyed. MIKE: Hey! You didn't say "Simon Says!" > Mike blew on his Zapper, then twirled it and put it back >in its holster. > Rick walked up to him. "You really get into this, don't >you?" > Mike looked at him. > "I mean, did you have some kind of childhood fantasy of >being a cowboy?" > Mike shrugged. "I reckon." > They jumped down the long drop and ended up underground. > There, waiting for them, was another cowbot. BOTS: MOOOOOOOOOOO! > "Just you and me, pilgrim." Mike said. > Rick shook his head. "Here we go again." ALL: Wah, wah, waaaaaahhhhh... > > After destroying some more raccoons that were launching >large balls at them, Proto Man and Simon climbed up a ladder. TOM: Do you think the word "repetitive" means anything to this author? MIKE: It's probably his middle name. > At the top was a robot that was spinning spears and >sending them at the two heroes. MIKE: Sending spears? What, is this the new "disgruntled postal worker" bot? > They dodged the spears. > "Those things will ruin my hair!" Simon cried. "Do >something!" TOM: Simon's not only useless but vain. > Proto Man sighed and fired at the robot, but his shot >bounced off. "I can't hit him while he's twirling the spears! >This is gonna be tricky!" CROW: Oh, the suspense. > Proto Man repeatedly fired at the robot, and he and Simon >dodged the spears. Finally, it was destroyed. > When they climbed up the next ladder, they found a >robobee. It dropped a bomb. CROW: [Robobee] Pssst! Mr. X is really Oscar in disguise! MIKE & TOM: AAAAAAAHHH! > Fortunately, it didn't land near >Proto Man or Simon. [Mike and Tom are recovering as Crow laughs.] MIKE: Crow, don't *do* that! > > Stacey and Mega Girl were by a waterfall. A robot >exploded. MIKE: Unless it hit them, we could care less. > "We have to hop these platforms to pass the waterfall." >Mega Girl said. > Stacey shook her head fearfully. "Uh-uh!" > "Fraidy cat!" Mega Girl teased. > "Meow." Stacey whimpered. TOM: [Stacey] Like, meow meow meow meow, I want Meow Mix... > Mega Girl laughed. "C'mon!" > Mega Girl started hopping the platforms. Stacey took a >deep breath CROW: Which was obvious from that tight little top she was wearing. > and followed her. > "Just don't look down, and you'll be fine!" Mega Girl >called back. > Naturally, Stacey looked down. TOM: [Stacey] Like, gnarly! I totally can't see my feet! CROW: Told ya, Mike! Implants! > "Yikes!" she cried. > In addition to hopping platforms, they had to avoid ducks, >fishes, TOM: ...birds, bees, rabbits, Charlie Sheen,... > and exploding robots. > > After destroying a few more guns and cameras, Kevin and >Link came to a long drop. So, they jumped down. MIKE: If it was a short drop, they wouldn't take the risk. > When they hit the gold floor at the bottom, they saw a >cute red robot with eyes. "Eddie!" Kevin said with a smile. > Eddie flipped his top open, MIKE: That Eddie, always blowing his top. TOM: [Eddie] Eddie know better than to get near freaks who smile at Eddie like that. > and out came a 1-Up. > Link caught it. "Thanks, Eddie!" > "No problem, guys!" Eddie said, and he teleported out. > "What a nice guy." Kevin said with a smile. CROW: I only saw one ep, but I know he had more personality than this on the show. > When Kevin and Link climbed down the next ladder, they >found out it didn't go down all the way. So, they let go and >dropped to the floor at the bottom. MIKE: And broke their legs from the fall. > The room was dark. But then a giant robot appeared. It was >orange and on wheels. > "Whoa, a robo-ape!" Kevin said. TOM: Orange and on wheels = robo-ape. How can you tell? > "You ready, Link?!" CROW: On your mark, get set....wait for it.... > Link nodded. "Ready! Let's blast 'im!" > The two of them started firing at the robot. > Suddenly, it launched its left fist out at them. TOM: Hey, the robot is left-handed too! MIKE: Anybody want to guess the odds that the author is left- handed? > It hit >Link, who was knocked backwards. > Link yelled and landed on his butt. MIKE: The only body part any boring hero ever lands on. > "Link!" Kevin yelled. > They watched as the fist reattached itself to the robot's >arm. > Kevin helped Link to his feet. "We'll have to be careful >about that!" > They continued battling the robot. > > Mega Man and Kid Icarus were outside again. After taking >care of some minor robots MIKE: Underage robots must be supervised at all times. > and grabbing some energy refills, they >came to some long drops, and the only way across was to ride the >air from the fans, but they safely made it. TOM: But the author passed out trying to read that sentence in one breath. > At one point, there were spikes above them, and they had >to ride the air, but they made it past the spikes unharmed. > Then Kid Icarus flew Mega Man up to some platforms, where >the robot snagged some energy pellets that Mega Man couldn't. CROW: Kid's a robot now? > They rode a fan up to a ladder and climbed up. TOM: You know, this is so repetitive we should just tune it out and party. MIKE: Next ladder, you've got a deal. > > After jumping across a lot more fire and defeating some >more 'bots, Romeo and Julius climbed up a ladder. ALL: CONGA LINE! > Waiting for them in the next room were two green guns, >mounted on the walls and pipes. [Mike and the bots get up and start to conga. As close to it as they can, anyway.] CROW: Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-BAH! Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-BAH! Bum-bum- bum-bum-bum-BAH! I-am-evil-Ho-MER! TOM: Wrong show, waffle head. > Romeo was dodging the fire. "I don't have enough time to >aim! Use your football, Julius!" MAGIC VOICE: All right, boys, settle down. That's enough. [Mike and the bots stop dancing] MIKE: Awwww, come on. Have a heart. MAGIC VOICE: If you don't they'll switch it to a Ratliff marathon. CROW: We'll be good! [They sit down again.] > Julius reached back with his arm, then brought it forward >and launched his football. It hit the gun on the wall and >electrified it. MIKE: [yawning] Wish it could do the same to this story. > The gun exploded. > They ran to the other side of the room. Julius picked up >his football. He jumped and threw the ball at the gun mounted on >the pipe. It, too, was destroyed. CROW: Been there! TOM: Done that! > Julius got his football, then the two of them jumped, >grabbed hold of the ladder, and climbed up. > At the top was a small robot that fired whenever it opened >its top. Romeo found that when he fired at it, it converted into >a platform. MIKE: And when he kicked it, it converted into a salad shooter. >Ahead of them was a large puddle of oil. > "We could use this platform to cross over the oil." Romeo >reasoned. "But we can't both fit." CROW: Ummm....go one at a time? > "Duh, let's run across it!" Julius suggested. > "Brilliant, dude!" Romeo said sarcastically. "And then one >of those fire robots will show up, and we'll be deep-fried >jocks!" > Julius considered that. "I didn't bring any barbecue >sauce!" > Romeo slapped his right hand on his face, then removed it. >"Grab hold of me!" Julius did. CROW: Oh, NOW I see why he picked those names.... > "Hold on tight!" Romeo pressed the Up button on his remote >control. > They went up into the air. They turned sideways, and Romeo >pressed Right. They zipped TOM: ...up Julius' pants. > past the oil and landed on a barrel. > Julius held his head. He was very dizzy. CROW: [Julius] Duh, can we do it again? MIKE & TOM: NO!!! > The two of them jumped over a pit and continued on their >way. > > Mike and Rick had made their way deeper underground. > "You're right, it is cooler down here." Mike said. CROW: [Rick] Of course I'm right. I'm always right. You're the dumbass who thinks he's John Wayne. > Mike destroyed a red robot that was moving back and forth >over a small area of ground using jet thrusters. > They arrived at a Met dispenser. TOM: A Pez dispenser! I knew it! > It ejected a Met, which MIKE: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand. >started firing at them. > Mike destroyed the Metool. "Get the dispenser. That's what >counts." > "Right." Rick took his Super Scope in his hands TOM: It was uncomfortable holding it between his knees anyway. > and fired >upwards at the glass dome. > Soon, it shattered, and the dispenser was destroyed. > "Whoo! Yeah!" Rick said. > They soon met some robots on wheels that were ready to >drill into them, CROW: Were they ever! For they were-- MIKE: Crow.... CROW: --DENTAL ROBOTS! [to Mike] What? MIKE: Never mind. > but Mike and Rick were able to destroy them. > They came to a ladder with a single Met guarding it. Mike >destroyed the Metool, and they climbed up the ladder. > At the top was Eddie. > "Hey, Ed-man!" Mike said with a smile. TOM: [Eddie] The name's Eddie, you shmuck! > "Eddie thought you might need this!" the cute red robot >said, and ejected a weapon tank. > Rick caught it and gave Eddie a thumbs-up. "Thanks, >Eddie!" > Eddie teleported out. > "That little guy's so cute!" Rick said. > > Lana destroyed one of those drilling robots on wheels. >Then she and Zelda came to a bunch of spikes on chains. CROW: If they put them on, I'm leaving. > "Reminds me of Super Mario Bros. 3." Lana commented. MIKE: Wow.... TOM: Hey, can I call 'em or what? > Zelda looked at her. "What?" CROW: There's your answer, Servo. > Lana shook her head. "I'll explain later. We've gotta time >this right, or we'll know what pincushions feel like!" MIKE: Try it! You might like it! > "Thank you for putting my mind at ease, Lana." Zelda said >sarcastically. TOM: [Zelda] I've worked so long at perfecting my denial, too! > The two of them ran and ducked at the right places, and >they managed to pass the rising and falling spikes unharmed. > They jumped over a small bed of spikes, and Lana destroyed >a robotic cannon. They climbed up the ladder. > They were in a room with torches lining the wall. > "How technological." Lana muttered. CROW: Unless they're electric torches, I think not. MIKE: Crow, I think she's being sarcastic. CROW: Oh. > They looked down a short drop. The floor had moving wheels >on it, which would make walking difficult. > There was also a jumping skull robot, CROW: [Robot] I want to jump your bones! > which Lana >destroyed. TOM: Y'know, just ONCE I'd like to see one of those robots fight back. > Lana and Zelda jumped onto the wheels and made their way >towards the ladder. They climbed up. MIKE: See Lana shoot. See Lana and Zelda find ladder. See them climb. TOM: See Tom Servo dying of boredom. > They were in an empty room, but there were spikes on the >floor. The only way across was to jump on wheels and climb >ladders. They made it through just fine and climbed up another >ladder. TOM: Stop with the ladders!!! I can't take it anymore! *sobbing* CROW: Mike, please! Make it stop! Make it stop! MIKE: Guys, if I could, don't you think I would have already? [Pause as the bots process this] BOTS: WAAAAAAAAHHHHH! > > Finally, Mega Girl and Stacey landed on a dry floor. >Stacey knelt down and kissed it lovingly. CROW: Oh, to be a dry floor.... MIKE: Would you mind letting go of my shirt, guys? > Mega Girl giggled. MIKE: [Mega Girl] You really don't know what's been on that floor, do you? > When Stacey got to her feet, they continued onward. > After another duck and an exploding robot, they came to a >long drop. > "Take a deep breath!" Mega Girl told her. > Stacey whimpered. MIKE: She said to TAKE A DEEP BREATH. > The two of them each took a deep breath, then they jumped >into the water. TOM: Water? What water? He just said a long drop! A LONG DROP, I tell you! > Waiting at the bottom were two robofishes. Mega Girl >destroyed both of them. > They swam over some spikes, CROW: [Stacey and Mega Girl] Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ouch! > then jumped down another long >drop. TOM: How can they jump? THEY'RE UNDERWATER! > Mega Girl blasted another robofish and a cannon mounted on >the floor. They swam past some spikes. > It went like this for quite a while, just blasting cannons >and robofishes and avoiding spikes. > CROW: The repetition's killing me...Losing...feeling...in... left...side... > After Kevin and Link trashed the ape-like robot, MIKE: You guys should try to recycle. > they made >their way out of the room, which led out into the forest. >Somehow, it felt refreshing after that last confrontation. TOM: Head and Shoulders: As refreshing as a summer breeze! > They came to some springs. There were two ledges in the >air. The first had energy pellets. The second had weapon energy. > "I need those." Kevin said. He pressed the Up button on >his Power Pad, but nothing happened. He looked down at it. "Drat, >I'm out of power!" CROW: Why else would he need them? TOM: This boy really *is* a few pellets short. > He looked at the springs. "Oh, boy. I'm gonna >hate this!" MIKE: Now there's a statement I can relate to. > Kevin hopped onto the springs. They kept launching him >into the air whenever he landed on them. Not very high, though. >Kevin made his way to the ledge with the weapon energy and jumped >a few times until he was thrown up high enough. He yelled. CROW: [Kevin] I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!! > He >landed on the ledge and got the weapon energy to recharge his >Power Pad. > Kevin jumped down to the ground past the springs, then >turned and smiled. "Your turn, Link!" > Link bounced and complained, but he was able to make his >way to the end of the springs and join Kevin. CROW: In a passionate.... TOM: Shut up! The tongue scene was enough! > They turned and stepped into the grass, taking care of >another frog and propeller 'bot. TOM: That's so sweet. MIKE: He means they destroyed them. TOM: WHAT? Those bastards! > > In the next room, Mega Man was able to get an energy >refill and an extra life. They climbed up the next ladder. > At the top were two more mechanical panda bears. They was >easily destroyed. > In the next room was a big flying purple robot like the >one Kevin and Link encountered. CROW: Even the robots are getting repetitive. > Mega Man and Kid Icarus had to >dodge to make sure the robot didn't land on them. MIKE: Trying to sing the theme to "Fame" hadn't worked anyway. > Then Mega Man >turned and fired rapidly, destroying it. Mega Man jumped down the >next drop, and Kid Icarus flew down. > At the bottom were two more robots on wheels. Kid Icarus >grabbed hold of Mega Man's arms and pulled him into the air. Mega >Man fired at them. Then the two heroes flew down the next drop. CROW: So Kid got *hold* of Mega Man again. Uh huh. > At the bottom, Mega Man took care of another panda bear. >He groaned. "This is getting mega repetitive!" ALL: YOU JUST NOTICED THIS???? > > At the top of the next ladder, Rick and Mike found >themselves outside. MIKE: Please let that mean no more ladders. > The sun was in front of them, ready to set, and the sky >was colored red by it. TOM: It would have been impressive if the sun hadn't used Crayola. > Rick and Mike looked up. There was a ladder. Rick pressed >Up on his Power Pad. He soared into the air, grabbed hold of the >bottom rung, and began to climb. Mike did the same. > About halfway up the ladder, they saw spikes to their left >and right. > "Wuh-oh." Mike said with a laugh. MIKE: And the point of that little scene was ...? > When they got to the top, they found they had to hop >platforms that were constantly moving up and down. > "Let's take it slow." Mike said, looking down at the >spikes. "I don't wanna know what a pin cushion feels like." MIKE: Now where have I heard *THAT* before? > > The two Princesses faced more robots and spikes on their >journey, but they passed them all unharmed. TOM: [sarcastically] Since they were just *so* flawless, it would be unthinkable for them to get a scratch. CROW: One of them's Marrissa? > They climbed up a ladder. Eddie was waiting there, and he >flipped open his top. MIKE: [Zelda] Eddie, we did *not* need to see that. > Out came an extra life. > Zelda caught it. "Thank you, Eddie." she said with a >smile. > "Anything for you, Your Highnesses!" Eddie said with a >smile. He teleported out. > Zelda looked at Lana. "He is so adorable!" TOM: [Eddie] I am the MAN! > They went across the room and climbed up another ladder. > They were outside now. Lana zapped a red robot that was >pacing back and forth. Suddenly, it started jumping and following >them around, trying to land on them. [Crow snickers.] > Lana and Zelda screamed. >Finally, though, the robot was destroyed. MIKE: After listening to them scream for a few minutes, its head exploded. > "It must've destroyed itself." Lana said. MIKE: Kids, don't try this at home. Suicide is a *bad, bad* thing to do. No matter how bad things look, suicide is never the answer. CROW: Dr. F put up padding and hid all the tools to keep us from trying it anyway. TOM: Damn. > She and Zelda jumped over some beds of spikes and >encountered another one of those robots, which they were better >able to handle this time. CROW: Just which one of his "handles" did they get a hold of? > > Finally, Mega Girl and Stacey jumped down. They ended up >in a room where the water was above them, and it was constantly >falling and rising. > The two of them got on their knees and took much-needed >breaths of air. TOM: So the water was ABOVE them and they were breathing air?? CROW: Do you really care? TOM: [pausing] Not really. > Stacey was breathing heavily. CROW: Yes! Yes! YESSS! > "Oh,...sh-shit,...I...needed >that!" TOM: Did these characters swear so much on the show? MIKE: Not that I remember. > Mega Girl smiled. "Looks like the laws of physics were >tossed completely out the window." TOM: Along with the plot. > "I was afraid I was gonna, like, suffer brain damage!" > "You can't damage something that's not there." > Stacey frowned at her. MIKE: ...Wondering when she got that new hot wax job. > "Sorry, that was mean." Mega Girl apologized. > They got to their feet, but tried to keep their heads >below the water. They jumped over a pit. Some kind of robot with >shoes was jumping and coming toward them. MIKE: We don't know what kind it was, but it had on a kick-ass pair of Doc Martens. > Mega Girl was gonna blast it, but she didn't have to. The >robot jumped into the pit and was gone. TOM: But not forgotten. > "Geez, that was stupid of him!" Stacey said. > They came to another one of those robots soon. It fired at >them, but Stacey and Mega Girl were able to dodge, and Mega Girl >fired at it and destroyed it. They had to jump over a bunch of >spikes. > "This is gonna be tricky!" Mega Girl said. CROW: [sarcastically] Yeah, they've *never* had to jump across spikes before. > "Like, the other stuff wasn't?!" Stacey asked. > They each took a deep breath, crouched down, then jumped >as if their lives depended on it - which they did. > They just barely made it to the other side. Mega Girl >destroyed a robot that was waiting for them. > Once they jumped over a small pit of spikes, the water >above them was turned off. CROW: Hey, Stace, you want to go out on Friday? > "Yes!" Stacey said happily. CROW: All right! TOM: Dream on, dickweed. > > Kevin and Link made their way out of the grass and onto >some more springs. There was a propeller robot there, which Link >took care of. > Kevin looked up. "Uh-oh! Better not jump, Link!" > "Why not?" Link asked. > Kevin pointed upwards. > Link looked. CROW: [Kevin] He doesn't even know I gave him the finger... > "Spikes." Kevin said. "If we hit them, we'll have to start >this stage over again, or from the halfway point, if we've >already reached it." ALL: Don't jump! Don't jump! DON'T JUMP!!! > So, they walked across the springs. > "Shortly afterwards, they came across an old friend - the >giant robot. > "Not again!" Link yelled. > > The Princesses jumped down a long drop. > They were in a red room. Lana destroyed a small robot that >came down from the ceiling. Then they jumped down another long >drop. They were in another room. TOM: The suspense is just killing me. > "More wheels." Zelda said. "Simple." > The Ruler of Hyrule went to step on one. Suddenly, though, >she found her head hitting the ceiling! ALL: Ewww! CROW: She's gotta Super Glue that thing on. > Then her feet hit the >floor. Then her head hit the ceiling again. TOM: [Zelda] Not tonight, dear, I have a headache! MIKE: Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different. > "Oh, shit!" Zelda yelled. "Lana, what's going on?!" MIKE: Um, your head's hitting the ceiling? > Lana laughed. "Trampolines! This'll be fun!" She ran >forward and joined Zelda in the bouncing. > There were small trampolines on both the floor and >ceiling, so the two Princesses kept bouncing up and down at a >fast speed. > "Whee! Whee!" Lana said happily. > "You have a stupid idea of fun, Deschain!" Zelda yelled. CROW: [Zelda] And a really stupid last name to match! > "Lighten up, Harkinian!" Lana joked back. MIKE: Crow, stupid last names seems to be the trend here. > They made their way across, dodging the robots. Finally, >they landed on the solid floor. > Lana looked at Zelda. "There, that wasn't so bad, was it?" > Zelda had to hold her head. TOM: And completely grossed out Lana as she did so. CROW: [Lana] Screw that thing back on and let's go! > > In the next room, Mega Girl destroyed two robots that >fired at them whenever their tops opened up. MIKE: Stacey eventually had to use duct tape to keep her top from opening up again. CROW: WHAT? When did I miss that? TOM: Made you look! > The two girls climbed up a ladder. > Waiting at the top was Eddie. He gave Mega Girl an energy >refill. MIKE: And gave Stacey his home phone number. > "Thanks, Eddie!" Mega Girl said. > "Eddie happy you're all right!" Eddie said, then >teleported out. > "He's so cute!" Mega Girl said. > "Totally!" Stacey agreed. CROW: Look, she goes for a walking suitcase, she'll go for me! > They went across the room and climbed up the ladder. > > After Kevin and Link had taken care of the ape-like robot >again, made their way across some more springs, and blasted some >more 'bots, they came to a drop. > They looked down. There was a marsh below. TOM: Where's the hot chocolate? CROW: That's 'marsh below,' Servo. > Suddenly, a >mechanical fish came out, MIKE: Today on Ricki Lake, sexually confused mechanical fish and the women who love them. > soaring into the air. It then went back >down into the marsh. > Kevin and Link jumped back a bit. "Whoa!" > They waited until the fish came back up, then went back >down again, and then they jumped over the pit. > Soon, they came to some more springs. > "This is gonna be tricky." Kevin said. "We have to use the >springs to jump over the pit when the fish isn't up." CROW: [Kevin] I know! We can steal its Viagra! > "Plus, we have to deal with that!" Link said. He fired his >sword at the gun robot a short distance from them. It was >destroyed. MIKE: Surprise me, why don't you. > Soon, they came to a hovering platform. They jumped onto >it. The next one was closed. > "What do we do?" Link asked. CROW: Go kill Kenny! TOM: Recite the "Ode to Spot!" MIKE: Do the Dew! > Kevin shrugged, then drew his Zapper. "I'll try firing at >it." CROW: This guy's just brimming with creative ideas. > He did, and the platform opened up. "Yes!" > They jumped onto it. After doing this a few more times, >they came to a lot more marsh. TOM: [falsetto] Marsh-a, Marsh-a, Marsh-a! [Mike and Crow groan] > They jumped onto hovering platforms to cross the pits. > "Nice flowers." Link noticed. MIKE: It's flower power, man! Groovy! > Kevin looked at the purple flowers in the trees. There >were glowing yellow energy pellets in the center. > "Mechanical." Kevin told him. > Soon, they came to springs and very long pits filled with >marsh. There were also gun robots and fishes. > "This just doesn't get any easier, does it?" Link asked. TOM: It just gets more boring. > Kevin laughed. "We'll use my Power Pad!" > > After dodging some more bombs dropped by robobees, CROW: [Simon] So you're sure he was lying about Lana having a sex change? > Proto >Man and Simon came to a long drop. They jumped down. > They came to a walking robot, which Proto Man destroyed. > They came to another drop and jumped down. > Proto Man and Simon crawled through a small tunnel. MIKE: WOW!!!!! No ladders! No spikes! A tunnel! BOTS: Cool.... > When they crawled out the other end, they jumped down to >the floor. > They had to jump over some spikes. CROW: So much for a brief flash of creativity. > Then they came to two more raccoons. Proto Man destroyed >them. > There were two ladders. One leading up, and one leading >down. > "Which way do we go?" Proto Man asked. TOM: Up! Down! East! North! Left! Right! > "Let's flip for it!" Simon said, reaching into his coat. > He pulled out a golden coin with his face on it. Above his >face were the words "MY HERO". > Proto Man shook his head. "Oh-no, not the two-headed coin! >Kevin told me about that the day after I arrived!" > Simon groaned and put the coin back into his coat. > "Just tell me which way." Proto Man said. ALL: Which Way! > Simon thought for a moment. "Down." > Proto Man nodded. "Fine." He turned away. "We'll go up." MIKE: Smart guy. > Simon frowned. "Hey!" Then he reluctantly followed him. > > Lana stopped short. TOM: [Lana] Damn, I still need 340 credits! MIKE: I don't get it. CROW: Yeah, me neither. > Zelda stopped also. "What is it?" she asked her friend. TOM: You know, she doesn't have enough credits, like cash, so she's 'short' on cash... CROW: Oh. That was still lame. TOM: You wanna live to see the next break, Crow? > "That block." Lana said, pointing at it. "It looks so >crumpled, it could be blasted away." She drew her Zapper. CROW: All right, Servo! That's it! You and me! Mano a mano! MIKE: [casually] You know, I've always wondered what would happen if I plugged you both in to Dr. F's ABBA remixes for a few hours. [Bots quiet down and turn back to the fanfic] > "But, Lana, the door is just up ahead!" Zelda said, >pointing. CROW: Yeah, but that's the *smart* way to go, Zelda. You forget who you're with already? TOM: [Zelda] Oops. Never mind. > Lana nodded. "I know. Call it a hunch." MIKE: [Zelda] I thought it was a door! > She blasted the >stone away and went down the drop. > Zelda shrugged and followed. > "Nice going, Lana!" Zelda said. "You led us to a dead >end!" > Lana blasted a stone and smiled at her. "Keep your mouth >shut unless you've explored all the options, Zelda!" > They jumped down, and Lana destroyed a robot. Lana >destroyed another stone, giving them room to jump over a bed of >spikes. TOM: Which enriched this fic just so much more. > "Another door?" Zelda asked in confusion. > "The last was probably a fake." Lana told her. She went up >and touched it. MIKE: [Lana] Ewwww! When was the last time someone washed this? > The door went up, and they stepped into a pinkish-red >corridor. Some of the pipes were exposed. [Bots gasp in shock] CROW: They're exposed! Don't look, Tom! Don't look! TOM: Oh, my virgin eyes! > "Knight Man sure doesn't keep this place up very well." >Zelda observed. > "Let's go to the landlord and complain." Lana said. She >touched the door at the other end of the corridor. TOM: [Zelda] Uh, Lana? You kind of have to use the doorknob. > They stepped into the chamber. It went dark, and a Robot >Master came down from the ceiling. Then the lights came back on >again. MIKE: And the author cut-and-pasted this to save time. > There were windows in the chamber, and on the walls hung >medieval-style banners. TOM: Windows 3.1: the preferred software of the Dark Ages. > "Halt!" Knight Man ordered. "Who dares to challenge the >mighty Knight Man?!" > Lana smiled. "I'm afraid you haven't been following >housing codes. MIKE: [Zelda] And the decor's even tackier than Medieval Times! > We're gonna have to shut this building down...not >to mention you!" > "Fools! Thou shalt most certainly die!" Knight Man yelled. > "Whatever you say, master of mace ball." Zelda said. TOM: [Knight Man] Whoops. I've only got pepper spray. > He attacked them with his ball and chain and defended >himself with his shield. Zelda, however, was accustomed to this >type of fighting, and she had soon destroyed Knight Man with her >arrows. > Lana grinned at her. "Nice going!" > "Thanks!" Zelda said, returning the grin. > They stared at each other and hugged. CROW: [Lana] Wow, are those things real? MIKE: Crow! CROW: I was referring to the ears, Nelson. > Lana placed her >hands on Zelda's shoulders. TOM: Unless she's about to deck Zelda, I think we're in trouble. > They gazed into each other's inviting >eyes. CROW: Come into my parlor, said the spider to the eye. > "I want to lick your pointy ears." MIKE: Crow!! CROW: I didn't say anything. [Mike and the bots stare at each other] ALL: AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! > Lana said, breathing >heavily. TOM: [Lana] I knew I should've brought my inhaler with me. > Lana stuck out her long wet tongue and caressed Zelda >right ear with it, licking it slowly. CROW: It's Vulcan sex! MIKE: [to author] Uh, Mark? What's a "Zelda right ear?" > "Later." Zelda pulled away. MIKE: [Zelda] Knock it off, you're turning this into a Sailor Moon lemon fic. TOM: Mike, please. I'm trying to block that out. > "First, let's defeat Mr. X." > They picked up the items and warped back to Dr. Right's >lab. > > "You've got the Knight Chain!" Li exclaimed at Lana. CROW: [Li] I told you to get the Lightning Sabre! Didn't you read the shopping list?? > "Yeah, Knight Man went nighty-night!" Lana joked. MIKE: Good night, Tom. TOM: Good night, Crow. CROW: Good night, John Boy. > "And here are the Beat A-Parts." Zelda said, handing them >to Li. > Li smiled. "I underestimated your abilities, Princess. I'm >sorry." > Zelda dismissed it with a smile and a wave of her hand. CROW: HE DIDN'T TELL US FOR ONCE! Which hand? Which hand? TOM: Inquiring minds want to know! > > Stacey and Mega Girl found themselves outside again. They >breathed in the clean air. MIKE: And Stacey inhaled a bug as she did so. TOM: [singing] "I don't know why she swallowed a fly...perhaps she'll die." > They had to take in big breaths soon, because they had to >go underwater for a bit. Plus, they had to contend with some very >annoying robots that kept swimming after them. TOM: [Stacey] Like, stop looking up my skirt! > When they were out of the water again, they had to hop >some more platforms to cross another waterfall. ALL: [singing] "Don't go chasing waterfalls.." > "Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down,..." >Stacey kept repeating to herself along the way. MIKE: [to Stacey] Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. > She looked down. "You just had to look, didn't ya, >Stace?!" CROW: [Stacey] And I still can't see my feet! > When they made it past the waterfall, they climbed up a >ladder. TOM: Completely ignoring the elevator nearby. > They had to hop some more platforms, and dodge some >falling robots, to get to the next ladder. MIKE: [Stacey] All that for another stupid ladder? > They climbed up. > > After crossing the last pit, Kevin and Link landed by a >yellow door. > "Finally!" Kevin said. TOM: [Kevin] They're making Wal-Marts harder and harder to find these days! > He touched the door with his left >hand. CROW: And wondered why it didn't open. MIKE: [Kevin] Um, why does it say "Exit?" > It opened, they went in, and it closed behind them. > They found themselves in a green corridor. At the end of >it was another yellow door. So, Link opened it, they went >through it, and it closed behind them. MIKE: And it never occurred to the author that he could telescope and skip this scene entirely. > The chamber grew dark. TOM: And darker still. So dark that light had no meaning. So dark that there was nothing but blackness. MIKE: You're pretty dark yourself today. > Then a robot came down from the >ceiling, and the lights came back on. > "Plant Man?" Kevin asked. > "That's right." the Robot Master answered. "This is my >domain. MIKE: www.PlantMan.com? > You are not welcome here." > "We're making ourselves welcome!" Link said. > "Sorry we have to destroy you." Kevin said. "You were a >great robot!" CROW: *sniffle* I'm gonna miss you, man! > Plant Man attacked. He was a high jumper. He sent out >circles of flowers at Kevin and Link, MIKE: [Plant Man] Make love, not war. Peace, man. > but the two heroes were >able to dodge them. > "I guess he's a flower fancier!" Link joked. > Kevin laughed. TOM: [Kevin] You know that Garfield comic strip I read last week? I just got it! > Finally, Link landed the destructive blow, and Plant Man >exploded. > Two items appeared where Plant Man had stood. MIKE: A plant, and a man. > Kevin picked them up. "This must be the Plant Barrier. It >seems to function like the Skull Shield and Star Crash. And cool, >we got the Rush Jet adapter!" > "Great!" Link said. CROW: If Kevin has the same ear fetish Lana does, I'm gonna hurl. > Kevin took out his warp zone opener. MIKE: Guess not. CROW: Whew! > > The two of them warped into Dr. Right's lab. > "Plant Man is pushing up daisies!" Kevin joked. CROW: That was supposed to be a joke? > "And you found the Rush Jet adapter! Way to go!" Dr. Li >Shiroshi praised. > "I wonder how the others are doing." Kevin said. MIKE: [to author] Don't answer that! > > They flew using some more fans, and Mega Man destroyed the >panda that was waiting for them. More fans, another panda, then >they climbed up a ladder. TOM: La, la, la, connect the dots, la, la, la, connect the dots... [Mike and Crow stare at him] TOM: What? > At the top was a yellow door. Mega Man touched it with his >right hand. It opened, they went in, and it closed behind them. CROW: Yada yada yada. >They went through the orange and yellow corridor, opened the >other door, and went into the chamber. The door closed behind >them. > The chamber went dark. Then a Robot Master dropped down >from the ceiling - Wind Man. The chamber lights came back on >again. MIKE: [Wind Man] Hey, either of you guys see my Pepto-Bismol? I've got gas like you wouldn't believe. > "Careful," Mega Man whispered to Kid Icarus, "this guy is >a master of wind." > "No shiticus." the archer replied. [All burst out laughing] CROW: Shiticus, the god of latrines! > Wind Man sent fans at them, which they were mostly able to >dodge. Kid Icarus feared they might slice his wings off! TOM: It slices, it dices, it even plucks! > Mega Man fired at the Robot Master. "You suck, Wind Man!" > "That's right!" Wind Man responded. He sucked them to him >like a vacuum cleaner. ALL: [Spaceballs] Suck! Suck! Suck! > This was especially a problem for Kid Icarus. > But, eventually, Mega Man landed enough hits, and Wind Man >was destroyed. He left a weapon in his place. MIKE: And he was thoughtful enough to leave the key under the mat. CROW: Party at Wind Man's place! BYOB! TOM: Er....Bring Your Own Bots? > "The Wind Storm!" Mega Man said happily. > He picked it up, and they teleported out. > > They teleported into Dr. Right's lab. > "We blew off Wind Man!" Mega Man said. > Kevin gave them a thumbs-up with his right hand. CROW: He was too busy jerking off with his left. > "Way to >go, guys!" > > In the next room, Proto Man and Simon were presented with >a gap in the floor that had spikes in it. MIKE: And for the award for Most Boring Heroes, we're happy to present you with this all-new Massage Bed! CROW: Didn't he say spikes? TOM: Shhh. Maybe they'll actually go for it. > Across the room was a ladder. There was a robot sliding >back and forth on the ceiling. CROW: Big deal. You should see Servo on his third cup of coffee. TOM: HEY!!! > Proto Man and Simon walked up to the gap. > Proto Man looked at Simon. "Think you can use that whip of >yours to get us across?" > Simon smiled. "Certainly!" > Simon uncoiled his whip and sent it across the room, where >it wrapped around the lowest rung of the ladder. > Simon and Proto Man climbed up the whip and then swung >across the bed of spikes. > They grabbed hold of the rung, and Simon coiled his whip >and put it back at his side. CROW: 1, 2, 3, 4! Whip it! Whip it good! > Then the two of them climbed up the ladder. > Waiting at the top was one of those spear-throwing robots >they had encountered earlier. Proto Man took care of him. TOM: Instead of killing him for once. CROW: [Proto Man] Oh, you poor baby! > > At the top of the ladder, Stacey and Mega Girl encountered >a huge waterfall, plus a huge green robot that sent ice cubes >sliding at them. MIKE: It's the Attack of the Killer Automatic Ice Makers! ALL: Aaaaahhhhh!!! > Stacey lost her balance. "Whoa!" She fell on her >butt. > Mega Girl turned her attention to the robot. It was also >sending out homing missiles that followed them around. > As Stacey repeatedly got up and fell, TOM: [Stacey] I'm okay! *thud* I'm okay! *thud* I'm okay... MIKE: I've fallen and I can't stand up! > Mega Girl fought the >robot. Finally, it was destroyed. > Mega Girl turned and helped Stacey to her feet. > "Thanks, Roll." Stacey said. CROW: Who is she talking to? > Mega Girl smiled. "Don't mention it!" MIKE: Okay. Mega Girl is Roll, Proto Man is Blues, Mega Man is Rock. We all got that? CROW: Mike, what do their musical preferences have to do with anything? MIKE: I give up. > > Gameboy and Duke hopped some exploding platforms. Then >they had to make their way through some ice blocks. TOM: Anything important happening yet? MIKE: Nope. TOM: Just checking. > There were >some platforms blocking their way, so Gameboy touched them, then >they had to get out of the way before the platforms exploded. CROW: [yawning] > They jumped down a long drop. They encountered one of >those robots that flew back and forth using jet thrusters. >Gameboy took care of it. TOM: Meanwhile, Duke split for the coast. > They encountered some small robots that spun around in 360 >degrees on the ice, and three more jet thruster robots. > They climbed down a ladder. > At the bottom was another ice-making robot, like the one >Mega Girl and Stacey had encountered. This time, it was Duke that >fell. Gameboy destroyed the robot and helped the canine to his >feet. > "Are you injured?" Gameboy asked again. > This time, Duke nodded, even though he was all right. > "Accomplishment of mission objective is of highest >priority. We shall proceed." > Duke whimpered again. TOM: [Duke] I could've been in "The Incredible Journey", but nooooo.... > > Proto Man and Simon came to a point where they could >either jump down or jump across. > "Forget it! I'm not picking this time!" Simon said >angrily. CROW: Picking your nose is gross anyway. > "Screw it." Proto Man said. "We're going straight ahead." > So, they jumped and landed on some wheels. They had to >keep walking to prevent themselves from going backwards. MIKE: Big deal. They found a treadmill. > They >also had to destroy some robots on springs. > Finally, they came to a door. Proto Man touched it, it >went up, and they went in. They went through the red, brown, and >green corridor. TOM: Red, brown, and green? What do they call this color combo again? CROW: "Mr. Hanky's Christmas." > Simon opened the second door, and they went >through it into the chamber. > Once the Robot Master had come the from the ceiling, and >the lights had come back on, the three stared at each other. CROW: [Robot] Okay, which one of you's the pizza guy? > "Yamato Man." Proto Man said. "Master of spear." MIKE: Proto Man. Master of obvious. > "Yeah, and I'm gonna show ya how good I am with it, too!" >Yamato Man said. > He twirled his spear and fired. > Simon dodged. Proto Man, however, fought, and he defeated >Yamato Man. TOM: Well, Simon's been a big help so far. > Simon went and picked up the weapon. "The Yamato Spear!" > Proto Man picked up something else. "Woo-hoo! The Beat >E-Parts!" > "Well, the word 'impregnable' has two meanings." Simon >said. "'Can't be taken by force' and 'capable of becoming >pregnant'. And since we can safely eliminate the first >definition - " BOTS: Ewwwwww! TOM: Simon's got as sick a mind as you do, Crow. MIKE: I don't get it. > "Shut up, Simon!" Proto Man yelled. > Simon touched Proto Man, CROW: [Proto Man] Simon, that's not a lever. > and the red robot activated his >teleporter. > > They teleported into Dr. Right's lab. > Simon twirled the Yamato Spear. "We certainly beat Yamato >Man!" He laughed. TOM: [Simon] Wasn't that rerun of "Seinfeld" last night a riot? > Proto Man walked up to Dr. Right. "The Beat E-Parts, Dr. >Right!" MIKE: [Dr. Right] What? I told you to get a new coffee maker! > Dr. Right took them. "Splendid! Thank you, Blues!" BOTS: Who is he talking to? [Mike shakes his head] > Proto Man turned and walked away. TOM: Mike? You okay? MIKE: [muttering] I had a band. It could've been great. I could've just died on stage in front of screaming fans, but oh, no... > "I'm gonna go around the >nearby city and see if I can find the Energy Economizer." He >teleported out. [Mike gets up slowly, picking up Tom and muttering to himself as he shuffles out.] MIKE: I'm going to rot somewhere in space with a bunch of robots instead... CROW: [following] What? What'd I say? [Door sequence.] [SOL. Tom is playing the Super NES again, although we can't see what he's playing. The other player control pad is also sitting out, and there is a gerbil sitting on top of it. Crow is watching gleefully.] TOM: All right, you little rodent! Take that! Aw, no, no! I meant to do a jump kick, not a backflip! [Mike comes in and stares at them.] MIKE: Hey, Crow, what's going on? CROW: Not much. Harvey's just killing Servo at Street Fighter. [loudly] Again. TOM: Oh, shut up! It's hard enough figuring out these controls if you *have* functional arms! MIKE: [looking around] Harvey? CROW: Yep. [He points to the gerbil on the control pad.] Nelson, meet Harvey the Wonder Hamster! MIKE: Harvey the *Wonder Hamster*? CROW: Yeah, you know the song. [singing] 'Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster--' MIKE: All right already! I get the picture! CROW: I figured I should get my own wonder hamster. Just for something to do. MIKE: Come on, Crow. That is *not* Harvey the Wonder Hamster. CROW: Yeah, right! He's beaten Servo six times in a row! [leans over to look at the screen] Make that seven. TOM: Well, I can't win with all these distractions! CROW: And you can stand there and say he's not a wonder hamster? MIKE: Well, yeah, that *is* pretty amazing, but - he's a gerbil. Wouldn't he be "Harvey the Wonder Gerbil" then? CROW: No, no, no, no! He's Harvey the Wonder Hamster! "Harvey the Wonder Gerbil" doesn't quite have the same ring to it! MIKE: But he's a gerbil. [Tom has given up on the game by now and joins in on the argument.] CROW: Who's going to know? Besides, I already taught him how to play chess! TOM: So that's why he's so lousy at it. CROW: You're just mad because you got beat by a wonder hamster. MIKE: Gerbil. CROW: Whatever, it doesn't matter. [Harvey has gotten off the pad and is wandering around, pausing to nibble at something. Tom lowers so that his eye level is even with the table.] MIKE: Yeah, it does. It's a matter of principle. CROW: Principle schminciple! I say he's Harvey the Wonder Hamster, he's Harvey the Wonder Hamster! TOM: Hate to tell you this, Crow, but it looks like Harvey's a she. CROW: What?!?!?!? MIKE: We'll be right back. [Meow Mix commercials] [Cut back to the theater. Mike carries Tom in and they all sit down.] > > Stacey and Mega Girl came to a ladder leading down. But, >across a pit, was a floor and a door. MIKE: You know, Crow, 'Gretchen the Wonder Gerbil' doesn't sound all that bad. CROW: Don't talk to me, Nelson. > "Like, which way?" Stacey asked. > Mega Girl thought for a moment. CROW: [to Mega Girl] Don't hurt yourself. > "Mmmm...that way." she >said, pointing at the door. > Stacey sighed. "I was afraid you were gonna say that!" MIKE: [Stacey] I *wanted* to go into the dark scary pit! > They jumped. Mega Girl landed on the floor. Stacey wasn't >so lucky. She missed and fell. Luckily, she was able to grab hold >of the floor. > Stacey screamed. "Roll, help!!!" MIKE: [Mega Girl] Why should I? Have you done *anything* helpful on this trip yet? > Mega Girl turned around. "Stacey! Grab hold of my hand!" > Stacey grabbed hold of the robot's left hand with her >right. Mega Girl pulled Stacey up onto the floor. TOM: [Mega Girl] Errgh! Stace, you've gotta lay off the M & M's! > "Thank you, Roll!" Stacey said, getting to her feet. "I >was almost swimmin' with the fishies!" CROW: You were doing that a minute ago. So what? > Mega Girl smiled. "Would you rather go back across and go >down the ladder?" > Stacey laughed. "Yeah, right! Let's go!" TOM: That meant no, right? CROW: I think so. TOM: Good. > Mega Girl turned around and touched the door. It slid up, >and they stepped into a blue corridor. They started walking to >the other end. ALL: [singing] "Walk like an Egyptian..." > "So, like, what's this Centaur Man a master of?" Stacey >asked. CROW: [Mega Girl] Master of horseshit. TOM: It's fitting, actually. > "His ability is unknown." Mega Girl said. > "Greeeeeaaaaat!" Stacey said sarcastically. > They reached the other end of the corridor. Stacey pressed >her right hand against the door. It slid up. CROW: ...her long, shapely legs, curving around her thighs to reach-- MIKE: Crow, that's getting as old as the ladders. > They stepped into the chamber. > After the lights came back on, Stacey and Mega Girl looked >at the Robot Master. TOM: [Stacey] Like, are we supposed to be fighting or something? > Stacey gasped. "Horse Head!" > "No, you idiot, I'm Centaur Man!" the Robot Master said. > "But, you've got four legs." Stacey said. ALL: Huh?? CROW: What, does a centaur have nine? > "Oh, shut up and fight!" Centaur Man said. > "Somebody's in a hurry to get killed!" Stacey said. MIKE: Well, you know, guys, if you count the arms as legs, that's six legs. TOM: Yeah, whatever. Are they dead yet? > Mostly it was Mega Girl who fought Centaur Man. He kept >charging at her and firing from arm cannons. CROW: Stacey just stood there and looked cute to keep us awake. > Then, he disappeared. > "Huh?!" Stacey and Mega Girl asked simultaneously. > "Like, where's he go?" Stacey asked. MIKE: [Centaur Man] I'm going to Disneyland!! > Centaur Man appeared in back of them and started firing >again. > The girls yelled and turned around, dodging the fire. > "Great, he's got a teleporter!" Stacey said. CROW: It was really a side effect of the floor cleaner he was sniffing. MIKE: But who are we to nitpick? > "Guess we know his ability now." Mega Girl reasoned. > Soon, Mega Girl was struck TOM: ...by a revelation. CROW: [Mega Girl] Everybody but the author calls me Roll...so does that mean I'm Roll? BOTS: Naaaaah! > . She fell to the floor. > Stacey gasped. > "No one can defeat the mighty Centaur Man!" MIKE: Too bad she's fighting the constipated Centaur Man today. > the Robot >Master said in triumph, leveling an arm canon at Stacey. TOM: He's going to fry them with actual series canon? MIKE: In this fic? Are you kidding? > "Like, fuck you, you horse's ass!" CROW: What I wouldn't give to be a horse's ass right now. > Stacey said. She drew >her boomerang and threw it at Centaur Man. > One hit was all it took. Centaur Man was destroyed. ALL: Wuss!!! > Stacey helped Mega Girl to her feet. "Like, you okay?" > Mega Girl nodded. "Yeah, thanks." > They got the items the Robot Master had left behind. MIKE: Even his books on tape. TOM: [Stacey, reading] "The Seven Habits of Highly Eff... Efikt...Fek...oh, screw this!" > "The Centaur Flash!" Mega Girl said happily. > They teleported out. > > Mega Girl and Stacey arrived in Dr. Right's lab. > "Centaur Man is as gone as people who believed in that >myth!" Mega Girl said with a smile. TOM: Centaurs are a myth??? What??? > "I am never going through that again!" Stacey said. > Kevin smiled. "Troubles?" ALL: [singing] "Nobody knows the troubles I've seen...nobody knows the sorrow..." > Stacey didn't answer him. She walked up to Dr. Right. >"Like, here's your damn Beat T-Parts! I am sick of water! I'm >gonna go relax!" She started to walk off. > "Where are you going?" Lana asked. > "California Games." CROW: Yes! Please let that mean a bikini shot... MIKE: Crow, this is a fanfic. We're reading it, not watching it. CROW: It's all visualization, Nelson. > > After climbing down a ladder, Gameboy and Duke encountered >a submarine floating in the water. MIKE: It could have submerged, but some idiot in Engineering stuck a screen door where there should have been a porthole. > It was slowly rising and >falling, and it was armed with robot guards firing small cannons. >There were also spikes in the water and on the icy ceiling. In >short, they had to jump to avoid the spikes while dodging the >robots' fire at the same time. Not an easy task. CROW: Coming from a guy whose fight scenes are all the same, that's not saying much. > Then they had to hop some exploding platforms. After that, >they climbed up a ladder into another room. There they had to >climb up another ladder, walk across two exploding platforms, and TOM: ...hope that being blown into tiny little bits wasn't as painful as it sounds. >climb up yet another ladder. > They found themselves outside - and up against another >ice-making robot. Duke fell again. Gameboy destroyed the robot >and helped Duke to his feet. > "Are you injured?" Gameboy asked yet again. > Duke waved his front right leg in dismissal, and they >continued onward. MIKE: [Duke] Where are you going? I need to find a litter box! > > Mike and Rick had made it safely across the spikes. TOM: [Rick] But I *wanted* to know what a pincushion feels like! > Rick >used the weapon tank to recharge his Power Pad. > They jumped down a long drop, going back underground. > At the bottom, Mike destroyed a green robot on wheels, and >then he and Rick jumped down another drop. > They met one of those huge purple flying robots, CROW: You know, the ones that look like Rush Limbaugh choking on an eggplant? > which >Rick destroyed with a few blasts from his Super Scope. > They came to another Met dispenser. Mike handled the Mets, >while Rick destroyed the dispenser. MIKE: This is really depressing. It's so boring I can't even think of a riff. CROW: We could always try the conga line again. TOM: Forget it, Crow. It's not worth the risk. > Soon, they came to a ledge, which was on the other side of >the pit. They could either go over the ledge, or underneath it. >Either way, they would be facing robots. CROW: And that's a *bad* thing? > "Which way do we go?" Mike asked. MIKE: Try jumping down! You'll make it! It's only a thousand foot drop! > Rick thought for a moment. "Let's take the high path >first. If that doesn't lead us to Tomahawk Man, we'll come back >and take the bottom path." TOM: Please let "the bottom path" mean a suicidal leap into the pit...oh, please... > Mike nodded. > They jumped onto a step in front of the ledge, then onto >the ledge itself. Mike destroyed some red robots that were >walking on the ceiling using suction cups. They climbed up a >ladder. When they arrived at the top, they saw a cracked stone >block. > Rick pointed at it. "Mike, that could be a hidden passage >or something. Let's blast it and see what's behind it!" > "Good idea." Mike said. > Mike and Rick both fired with their weapons at the stone >block. Soon, it was destroyed. MIKE: I hate to say it, but I'm almost starting to miss Kristen. > Rick and Mike leaped across the spikes and entered a >previously hidden room. MIKE: Almost. > They looked around the room. > "This place is empty!" Mike said. > "Man, what a waste of power!" Rick said. TOM: I could say the same thing about this fanfic. > Suddenly, a whistle sounded. > Proto Man teleported into the room. "Hi, guys!" > "Proto Man. What are you doing here?" Mike asked. > "After me and Simon beat Yamato Man, I went all over the >city looking for the Energy Balancer." Proto Man held out the >small gray object in his left hand. "And I finally found it!" > Mike took it. "Cool! Thanks!" > Proto Man nodded with a smile, then teleported out. CROW: In the wake of that cathartic and pivotal moment in the plot, a moment of silence. [Half-second pause] CROW: Okay. That's enough. > "C'mon," Rick said after a moment's silence, "let's go >back the way we came." > > There were more occasions where Romeo's remote control >came in handy for flying over fire. TOM: And more occasions for Julius to fall on his ass. > They were even in a room with >three guns! CROW: [Snagglepuss] Ooooh! Three whole guns, even! MIKE: What, do most rooms have half a gun? > They met some green robots that shot out flames, MIKE: Since Mr. X had taken to fueling them with Mexican food. >which Romeo was able to destroy. Finally, after defeating one >more of those green robots, they came to a door. TOM: Big deal. CROW: These guys rarely use doors anyway. > "This is it!" Romeo said. He placed his hand on the door. CROW: [Romeo] It's so smooth and shiny.... >It opened, they went in, and it closed. At the other end of the >silver corridor, Julius opened the second door. They went through >it and entered the chamber. > The door closed, and the chamber went dark. > A Robot Master came down from the ceiling, and the lights >came back on. TOM: Kind of a lousy place to stick a fuse box, isn't it? MIKE: You try crawling through seventeen different tubes to get the Satellite's power on and see how you like it! TOM: I don't have functional arms. So sue me. > "Flame Man." Romeo said. "Master of flame." > "That's me." Flame Man said. "Who are you bozos?" MIKE: Uhhh....Krusty and Sideshow Mel? > "Duh, you can't call us that!" Julius cried angrily. > "Oh, yeah?" Flame Man shot a fireball at them. TOM: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! > Romeo dodged it and returned fire. Flame Man took a hit. > Flame Man shot into the floor. [Mike and Tom clamp Crow's beak shut.] > Flames rose all across the >room. Romeo and Julius yelled as they jumped to avoid getting >burned. > Julius threw his football at Flame Man. It hit the Robot >Master and electrified him. Flame Man exploded, sending fire all >across the room. TOM: Where else would it go? CROW: Gkdnfofmmph! MIKE: Promise to be good? CROW: Mmmmmm-hmmmm! [Mike and Tom release his beak] > Luckily, Romeo and Julius didn't get burned. MIKE: The laws of physics were taking a vacation that second. > Romeo picked up one of the two items that were left in >Flame Man's place. "The Fire Blast!" > Julius picked up the other item. "And the Rush Power >Adapter!" CROW: Actually, he just picked up Flame Man's old Thighmaster. > They warped away. > > Romeo and Julius warped into Dr. Right's lab. > "Flame Man is extinguished!" Romeo said happily. MIKE: And we still have to listen to lame catchphrases. > Li Shiroshi ran forward. "The Rush Power Adapter! Great!" CROW: [Li] And I always wanted a Thighmaster! > > Mike and Rick backtracked, then used their Power Pads to >go under the ledge, rather than over. TOM: They found out the hard way that going through didn't work. > After destroying some robots, they climbed up another >ladder. > At the top, they walked into a room where the floor was >covered with CROW: Bowling balls! MIKE: Bubba Gump shrimp! TOM: Gypsy's secret soup! [Mike and Crow stare at him.] TOM: Come on, haven't you ever TRIED that stuff? > spikes. At the other end of the room was a door. > "All right, almost there!" Rick said. TOM: The fanfic's almost over? ALL: YAAAAAYYY!!!! > They used their Power Pads to jump over the spikes and >landed in front of the door. > Rick opened the door, and they stepped into the green and >blue corridor. CROW: [British accent] You know, I don't really care for the decor... > They walked to the door at the other end. > Mike opened the door, and they walked into the chamber. >The door closed behind them. > The lights went out, the Robot Master came down from the >ceiling, MIKE: And fell on his ass. TOM: Nah -- that only happens to the heroes in this story. > and the lights came back on again. > "This is the Restricted Area." Tomahawk Man said. "You two >are trespassing!" > Rick smiled. "Maybe, master of tomahawk, but tough shit. >We're stayin'!" TOM: And we're gonna need to do some major redecorating! MIKE: I see... paisley. > "C'mon, Rick," Mike said in his western accent, "let's >show this dude the trail." CROW: [Mike Vincent] Now, ya see, partner, ya go three miles east, hang a left at the rock that looks lahk Howdy Doody's nose... > Mike and Rick opened fire on the Robot Master. > Tomahawk Man returned fire. > After a long battle, Tomahawk Man was destroyed. > "Yee-hah!" Mike yelled in triumph. He picked up the Silver >Tomahawk. TOM: Watch where you point that thing, pardner. > Rick picked up some other objects. "Hey, all right!" MIKE: [Rick] Cool, a new bread maker! > They warped out of the Restricted Area. > > Rick and Mike warped into Dr. Right's lab. > "Tomahawk Man has hit the trail!" Mike said happily. > Kevin smiled at him. CROW: Kevin smiles at Mike a *lot*.... > Rick walked up to Dr. Right. "Here are the Beat B-Parts, >Dr. Right!" > Dr. Right took them. "Great!" > > Gameboy and Duke had to hop some exploding platforms >across pits and land on icy surfaces. The snow on Duke's hair >didn't help any. > They came to the door. Gameboy opened it, and they walked >into a green corridor. They slid across the icy floor to the >other door, TOM: Wheeeeeeee! > which Duke opened. After the lights came back on in the >chamber, they saw the Robot Master. > "Identity confirmed: opponent is stolen robot. >Designation: Blizzard Man. Specialty: CROW: Raspberry ripple. > master of snow." Gameboy >stated. > "No crap." Blizzard Man said. MIKE: How come the humans swear up a storm in this fic but the robots censor themselves? CROW: Because we have better manners and taste. MIKE: Yeah, right. > Snowflakes fell as the three of them battled. Blizzard Man >was on skis. His method of attack was rolling up into a ball and >launching himself at Duke and Gameboy at full speed. Duke became >more dizzy than he ever had previously in his life. CROW: Except for all the times Kevin put him in the washing machine. > Gameboy was >finally able to defeat Blizzard Man, though. Gameboy picked up >the weapon left behind. "Blizzard Attack." he identified. TOM: Never saw that one coming. > He opened >up a warp using his warp zone opener. "Mission accomplished. We >may go." > Duke didn't waste any time getting into that warp. TOM: Can we leave too? Please??? MIKE: You asked that at the beginning. TOM: But I wanna go HOME!!! > > Gameboy and Duke warped into Dr. Right's lab. > "Mission accomplished." Gameboy stated. "Blizzard Man has >been snowed over." CROW: Arrgh! Even the computer's spitting out cliches! > "That's the last one!" Kevin said with a smile. ALL: YES!!!!! > Suddenly, Mr. X's face appeared on the main viewscreen. > Mike grinned. "Pissed yet? Wanna give up and turn yourself >in?" > "Never!" Mr. X said. "Come to my fortress! I am sending >you the coordinates right now. I'll be waiting with my best >defenses. Trying taking me on at my headquarters!" TOM: He's trying to take himself on? MIKE: Well, you know that attack is the best defense. > Then the transmission ended. > "I have the coordinates." Li Shiroshi confirmed. > "Well, what're we waiting for?" Mike asked. "Let's go kick >his ass!" CROW: I like the way this guy thinks. > > The entire N Team (including Stacey, who had decided she >did not want to be on California Games today) CROW: Does that mean we don't get to see her in a bikini? MIKE: It's a fanfic, Crow, we're reading it. And no. CROW: But I wanted to see her in a bikini! Waaah! TOM: It's all right, Crow. We're here for you. We're your friends. CROW: *sniffle* Bite me, Servo. > Proto Man, Mega >Girl, Dr. Right, and Dr. Li Shiroshi teleported to the outside >of Mr. X's fortress. Mr. X's castle was very strange. MIKE: Forget about the castle, what about the fortress? > There was >a giant X on top of it. [All start humming the X-Files theme] > "Nooo, he's not egotistical." Rick said. CROW: Just a complete and total dolt with no fashion sense. TOM: Wait! How did Rick get there? He didn't teleport in with the others. > It was nighttime in this part of Megaland, so it was dark. TOM: Thank you, O Great Master of the Obvious. MIKE: O night, which ever art when day is not.... >They could see the moon in the sky. They were all standing on a >silver platform. Many buildings could be seen to their left. MIKE: And somewhere, somehow, a dog was barking. > Slowly, the group started forward. CROW: Bet you they're gonna go up a ladder. > Mega Man blasted three cannons mounted on the floor. They >all climbed up a ladder. CROW: See? See? TOM: [Columbo] Yes, yes, you're very smart. Now shut up. > Mega Girl fired down a robot that was moving back and >forth on a platform. They all jumped onto the platform, and then >climbed up another ladder. MIKE: Do they even have stairs in Megaland? > Proto Man destroyed a flying robot that was firing red >balls at them. TOM: [Rodney Dangerfield] "I know one thing. I got a lot of balls." > "How do we get across?" Romeo asked. MIKE: Across what? > "We'll have to fly." Mega Man said. "I guess now is the >best time to try this! Rush Jet!" > Immediately, Mega Man was clad in red and white, and he >had thrusters mounted CROW: Hehehehehe... > on his back. > "Whoa, cool!" Mike said. > Kevin gave Mega Man a thumbs-up. "Lookin' good, Mega Man!" TOM: At least he didn't smile this time. > Mega Man grinned. "Thanks. I hope this thing's mega >powerful enough to hold all of us! Everybody hold on tight!" > Once they had all done so, Mega Man lifted them into the >air. They went up the ladder. In the room above, there were more >of those same robots, which Mega Girl took care of. TOM: She gave them lots of tender lovin' care, all right. CROW: Yee-ha! MIKE: When this is over, I'm checking your wiring. > They flew up >another ladder. > This went on for quite a while. The group would land >whenever the thrusters overheated, then they would take off >again, firing at more robots along the way and avoiding the >spikes. > Finally, they were able to land on a floor again. The >robot siblings handled all of the robots, flying, hopping, and >ground-based, so the rest of the group could conserve their power >for the big battles ahead. > And they would be quite big... ALL: How big was it?? > > As the group slowly descended into the castle, Mega Man >and Proto Man destroyed two guns. MIKE: Raise your hand if you really care. > They all came to a door. > Julius pressed it, and it slid up. CROW: [TNG door effect] Shhhhhiikkk! TOM: No, Crow, you got it wrong. It's sssshhhwwwwkkkk! MIKE: I always thought it was sssswwwwwsssshhh myself. CROW: Shut up. > The group entered a blue >corridor. They walked to the end of it. > "Well, let's see what's behind Door # 1!" Kevin said with >a smile. He opened the door. TOM: [announcer] I'm sorry, but that was the wrong door! For a consolation prize, you get a lifetime supply of toilet bowl cleaner! > The group entered a chamber. No lights went out this time. > In the chamber was a kind of metal track that connected in >a weird pattern. Two robotic squares moved back and forth along >the track. The group members had to dodge whenever the squares >came near one of them. MIKE: Why, were they holding out for a Tetris? > The robotic trio fired at the squares. > "Aim for the centers!" Mega Man said. "That's the only >place where they're vulnerable!" > Soon, one of the squares was destroyed. The other soon >followed. > "I guess the hits registered on them both." Proto Man said. > Mega Man nodded. "Grab hold, everyone. We're gonna >teleport into the next section of the castle." CROW: [Lana] Why didn't you do that in the first place, you loser? > They did, and off they went. > > They found themselves in a corridor with windows. TOM: Windows?? Really? Wow! CROW: It made it easier for the snipers to pick them off one by one. TOM: Oh, if only that were true... > Looking >to their left, they could see the stars. > The robotic trio handled all the Metools and other minor >robots. Soon, they came to a bridge. As soon as they stepped on >it, they felt it start to give way. > Kevin yelled. "That's our cue to run!" MIKE: No, no, no! Cut! You're supposed to run when it starts to *crack*! TOM: Amateurs. > The group hurriedly made their way across the bridge. > Then they had to fly above a large bed of spikes. > After encountering numerous more Mets and other robots, >jumping and flying across pits, and falling through some gaps in >the floor and climbing back out again, TOM: ...the author suddenly realized he'd run out of action scenes to rip off. > they arrived at another >door. > Lana opened the door, and they stepped into a pink and >green corridor. Rick opened the next door. CROW: What, does everyone have to get a chance to open the door before they beat the bad guy? Geez! > In the chamber, boulders started falling. > "I'll hold these off!" Proto Man said. "You two hit that >machine that's stomping on the wall and causing the quakes!" MIKE: Oh, so that's why the boulders were falling. > Mega Man and Mega Girl nodded and opened fire. > The entire group felt dizzy by the shaking, dodging >boulders, and dodging fire from the machine, but it was all over >as soon as the machine on the wall was destroyed. CROW: Don't give us false hopes. > "Everybody okay?" Mike asked. TOM: I think he's dead, Jim! MIKE: I'm not dead; I'm getting better! > The rest of the group acknowledged that they were. > "Cool." Mike said. "Let's hit it!" > > Teleporting deeper into the castle, the group found >themselves in a room with two ladders leading up. > They climbed up the second one, then climbed up the second >one in the next room as well. They encountered more robots they >had seen before. They had to hop on platforms that lowered when >stepped on. They had to avoid spike-covered ceilings. They had to >climb up ladders while being shot at. They had to fly through >narrow gaps in the walls. MIKE: They had to find a facial expression to use other than a smile. > But somehow, through it all, they made >it to the door. CROW: [sniffling] What a touching and inspirational tale of heroism. MIKE: And described in such hair-raising detail too. > Proto Man opened it, and they walked into a green >corridor. Simon opened the next door. > In the chamber, they found a huge tank with arms, and it >was controlled by a Metool! > "A Met!" Mike said. "A freakin' Met!" TOM: I never liked the Mets either. CROW: YANKEES RULE!!! > "Let's nuke it!" Lana said, drawing her Zapper. > Kevin grinned. "I like your attitude." MIKE: I like the skimpy outfits. [Bots stare at Mike.] MIKE: Oh, come on. You drool over Stacey. > Kevin, Lana, and Mike helped Mega Man, Proto Man, and Mega >Girl take out the tank. They had to concentrate their fire on the >top portion. That accomplished, they moved onward. > > They were now in the deepest part of Mr. X's castle. The >group found itself in a room. CROW: Which was better than the closet they'd been crammed in earlier. > To the left and right, there were >spikes on the floor. To the right, just as the spikes started, >was a ladder. They climbed up onto a platform. Kevin snagged a >weapon refill. Each of them jumped onto a small platform, then >jumped up and grabbed the last rung of the ladder. They climbed >up. > In the next room were two guns. Mega Man and Proto Man >took them out. They all climbed up a ladder. > Simon looked up. "Yikes!" > They all looked up. The ceiling was completely covered >with spikes. TOM: Nice, ice! Yikes, spikes! CROW: It's Rhymin' Simon! MIKE: I don't get it. CROW: Of course not. You can't even begin to comprehend the fine nuances of humor that a robotic mind could. > "We'll have to jump low." Kevin said. > "No problem for me-icus!" Kid Icarus said with a laugh. > They made it to the next ladder and climbed up. > Mega Man, Proto Man, and Mega Girl took out the three guns >in the next room. > Then they ran into a problem. There was a block blocking >their path. > "What do we do now?" Lana asked, worriedly. MIKE: Shoot it, maybe? > "Duh, I'll take care of it!" Julius said, walking forward. >He rammed his right fist into the block, then let out a loud yell >and clutched his fist with his left hand. "Metal! Ow, that hurt!" CROW: What'd you expect, Styrofoam? >Mega Man thought for a moment. "He's got the right idea, though. >Time to see what this Power Arm does. Power Arm!" > Mega Man was instantly clad in red and white again. This >time, however, his shoulders and hands were "muscular". ALL: We want to pump [clap] you up! > Stacey smiled. "Hey, there, stud!" CROW: I told you! I told you! She goes for the metal men! TOM: [falsetto] "Tell me about it, stud!" > Mega Man smiled. MIKE: [Mega Man] Cause I get all the mega-babes here. > "What are those shoulder plate thingies?" Mike asked, then >smiled. "They look like Rush's feet!" > Dr. Right grinned. "They are, Mike!" > Mega Man charged up to full power. He began to glow. TOM: Overload! Take cover! He's gonna blow! > He >rammed his right fist into the block and shattered it. > "Wow!" Kevin said. > "This is mega fun!" Mega Man said. He then shattered the >next block in their path. > Lana snagged the weapon refill that had been concealed >by the second block. > "Hey, don't I get one?" Mike complained. > Kevin and Lana gave him a teasing smile. MIKE: Don't even think it, Crow. Let it go. > With the way cleared, the group proceeded onward. > Proto Man destroyed the next gun, then Mega Man destroyed >the next block. > "It's so small!" Mike said, gazing at the tiny weapon >refill. He snatched it up. "Oh, well, better than nothin', I >guess." TOM: It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it! > After some more guns were destroyed, they came to a >machine on the floor that sent up robobirds. Proto Man destroyed >then as the group jumped over the machine. CROW: He destroyed then? He finally dead? MIKE: No, you riffin' on grammar again, son. > They continued like this for a while. Then they climbed up >a ladder. > In the next room was a gun. Mega Girl destroyed it, and >Mike picked up another small weapon refill. > He looked down at his power meter. "Rising slowly but >steady." CROW: [scholarly] It had always taken Mr. Vincent some time to reach-- MIKE: Crow! CROW: --er, his goal of being an orthodontist? > They climbed up the next ladder. > Proto Man quickly blasted one of those thruster robots, >then another one. > Mike grabbed the small weapon refill left by the first. > The group members had to form a human ladder to reach the >real ladder. Kevin chose to hold Lana. TOM: [Lana] Oh, Kevin! Hold me! Hold me! > The Princess stood on his shoulders, and he held onto her >legs. He got even more excited when Stacey climbed up on his >back. CROW: Well, now we know why he smiles so much. > Shaking off this feeling, MIKE: And knocking everyone to the floor, > he let Lana pull him up as she >climbed up the ladder. > The next corridor was filled with only exploding robots, >so they didn't have to use their weapons. Just stay a safe >distance away. CROW: Which would be about 80 light-years from this fanfic. MIKE: [To author] We wish we could. >They then jumped down a long drop. The next room was empty, >so they jumped down another long drop. > The next corridor was more birds and guns. Then they came >to a door. TOM: Ladders and spikes and doors, oh my! CROW: That pretty much sums up the whole thing. > "I think this is it!" Kevin said. MIKE: [Kevin] Finally! We found the Megaland McDonald's! > He opened the door, and >they stepped into a silver corridor. > Mega Man opened the next door, and they stepped into a >chamber. The door closed behind them. > There was a giant machine in the room, hanging from the >center of the ceiling by a chain. It swung back and forth at them. TOM: What, is he trying to hypnotize them? CROW: I am the great Zoltar. You will bow beneath my power. Stacey will do whatever I say. The rest of you can go jump off a cliff. MIKE: Obsessed much, Crow? >The machine had two large eyes that seemed to be following the >group. Suddenly, two large purple fireballs came out of the >machine. They landed on the floor. MIKE: [Mr. X] Dammit, I never should have let Bill Gates design my operating system. > One fireball rolled away >from the group. The other came towards it. > "Look out!" Kevin yelled. > The group dodged the fireball. > Rick pointed at the man sitting in the machine behind the >protective glass, who was working the controls. "I think we found >our man!" MIKE: Pay no attention to that man behind the windshield! > Kevin drew his Zapper. "Let's take his toy out!" > Lana drew her Zapper as well. > Mike drew his Zapper. TOM: Lana used pencil strokes, Kevin went for the pastels, and Mike rendered his in charcoal. > "Aw, man, here I am, in a position >to kick this guy's ass, and I've only got half power!" He >shrugged. "Oh, well." > The three teenagers joined the three robots in firing at >the machine. MIKE: Meanwhile, they used Rick, Romeo, and Julius as human shields. > "Oh, no, you guys aren't hogging all the fun!" Li Shiroshi >said, drawing her laser gun and joining in the battle. > And it was quite a battle. They had to dodge all the >purple fireballs that kept coming out of the machine, and they >had to fire. TOM: The stupid thing just wouldn't destroy itself! > And with the machine swinging back and forth, it was a lot >more difficult. CROW: Bow to me, Stacey...Stacey? Where are you going? MIKE: Give it up, Crow. > Finally, they were able to destroy the machine! All that >remained was Mr. X sitting in his chair. He hovered away from >them. MIKE: [Mr. X] Phew! Anyone ever tell you people about deodorant? TOM: Secret -- strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. > "Game's over, Mr. X!" Lana said, pointing her Zapper at >him. "Surrender to the N Team!" > Mr. X ignored her. "My scheme for world domination has >failed!" he yelled instead. "But I still have enough power to >destroy you!" ALL: FINISH THEM!!! > And with that, Mr. X pulled off his cloak and mask. > The group was shocked! CROW: [Kevin] So that's why Mom said not to put my finger in a socket... > "Dr. Wily!" Li yelled. TOM: I didn't see it coming. Did you? CROW: Sure I did! MIKE: The obvious foreshadowing gave it away, huh? CROW: No, I read the game manual. TOM: Wait...this is Dr. Wily from the GAME! Of course! CROW: You're kind of slow on the uptake today, Servo. > "I thought those pants and shoes looked familiar!" Mega >Man said, angry with himself for not seeing the deception >earlier. MIKE: Because it's so easy to tell everything about a person just by their pants and shoes. > And with that, Dr. Wily's chair hovered into his saucer, >which was waiting for him, and he flew off. TOM: [Data] Saucer section separating now, Captain. MIKE: [Picard] Engage! > Kevin shook his head. "I don't believe this!" > "Duh, he's getting away!" Julius yelled. > "He must be heading for Skull Castle! Let's go!" Mega Man >said. > And so, the group teleported. > > They appeared in front of Skull Castle. CROW: But never inside. No, they couldn't just pop right in to his bedroom and blast his brains out which would be so easy and end this fic right now-- MIKE: Crow! Calm down! CROW: I'm sorry, Mike. I'm very bitter about this whole experience. > "Let the final battle begin!" Proto Man yelled. TOM: No! Don't tell me it hasn't started yet!!!!! [starts to sob] MIKE: [To author] Great, he's snapped. Happy now? > The group started forward at a run. Mega Man destroyed the >Mets and blocks in their way. They had to avoid the fire dropped >by the robots, and they had to fly up to a platform and jump down >a long drop. TOM: [sniffling] Where they all fell to their death. The End. > Mega Girl took care of the guns and the other robots they >met. The group had to avoid a lot of spikes again. MIKE: Nothing unusual there. > They had to deal with fans at some points. TOM: Nothing unusual there either. > "Whee! This is so cool!" Lana yelled in enjoyment while >being lifted into the air. > Zelda shook her head and looked at Kevin. "Your girlfriend >has a weird sense of fun." CROW: "Weird" isn't exactly the term I'd use. > Kevin smiled at her, then looked back at Lana. > The group started on the fans. Eventually, they all got >the hang of it. Even Zelda! Though she didn't have fun in the >least. MIKE: Party pooper. > At one point, there was a very long drop in which they had >to dodge deadly spikes while they fell. Zelda thought she would >faint. TOM: [yawning] I think I'd rather play Gretchen again than read the rest of this. > > When they arrived in the next room, Mega Girl destroyed a >robot firing a gun at them. > Soon, they had to fly down using Mega Man while dodging >spikes. It was very tricky. > On the way down into the next corridor, Mike picked up a >big weapon refill. "Yes!" > At the end of the corridor was a door. Dr. Right opened >it. They went through a green corridor. Then Mega Girl opened >the next door. MIKE: Since they entered the castle we've seen [ticking off on his fingers] robots, spikes, fans, corridors, and doors. Anybody want to take bets on how long before we see a ladder? > They stepped into the chamber. A giant robotic dinosaur >was standing there. Stacey shrieked. CROW: [Stacey] Like, oh my God! It's Barney!!! > "Okay, guys, take it easy. It's just a dinosaur." Kevin >said. > It started spitting fireballs at them, which they dodged. TOM: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to spit in public? > Kevin, Lana, Mike, Rock, Roll, Blues, MIKE: Hey, where's Rhythm? > and Li opened fire >on it, but their shots did no good. TOM: Huh? Who the heck are Rock, Blues, and Roll, and where's the Mega Twerps? CROW: Obviously, the author can't decide who's who either. MIKE: Speaking of "slow on the uptake.." > "Huh?" Li asked. > A door in the dinosaur's stomach opened, and a green >hovering platform came out. MIKE: Talk about indigestion. > "That's it!" Kevin realized. He hopped on the next >platform that came out. "Aim for the head!" CROW: Not much of a way to get ahead. MIKE: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. TOM: Lousy time to lose his head, though. CROW: But I'll bet you he gives good-- MIKE: Okay, that's enough! > The rest of them got on platforms. When they rose to >meet the dragon face to face, TOM: Oh, so now it's a dragon. CROW: [to author] Hey, Moore! Make up your mind already!! > they opened fire on it with no >mercy. > Finally, the dragon was destroyed. Unfortunately, the >platforms vanished at that moment. The heroes yelled as they >were dropped on the floor and landed on their butts. MIKE: Again. > > The next level below started off with a frozen corridor. >There was ice all over the floor, walls, and ceiling. > "Dr. Wily must've, like, not paid his heating bill or >something." Stacey reasoned. TOM: I'll take 'something' for $200, Alex. > "What's scary is she believes that." Lana whispered to >Kevin. MIKE: Crow? CROW: I'm not saying a thing. > He laughed. MIKE: [Kevin] Huh, huh, huh...I don't get it. > The group made it through the corridor, then climbed up >a ladder. [All groan in boredom] > The next room was empty except for a bed of spikes >almost completely covering the floor. TOM: But except for that minor detail, it was completely empty. MIKE: Anyone else getting a sense of deja vu? TOM: I passed that a long time ago. > "How do we get across?" Simon asked. CROW: You must say the alphabet backwards fast. MIKE: You must then do the Electric Slide. TOM: Then after you pay us a thousand bucks, we'll tell you. > Suddenly, blocks materialized in the air. > "That's how!" Kevin said with a smile. TOM: Service with a smile! > They had to time it perfectly, MIKE: Which is why so many of them got impaled. > for the blocks >disappeared and reappeared somewhere else every few seconds. > Then they had to crawl through a small space MIKE: And Kevin smiled even more watching Lana's backside. > to reach >the ladder. They all made it safely, TOM: Since crawling through a small space is fraught with peril. > and they climbed up. > The next corridor was just spikes on the ceiling and >those robots that would start following you around if you shot >at them. CROW: What, Mr. X makes suicidal robots? TOM: [Robot] Please kill me! Release me from this fanfic! > They jumped down a long drop, and Kevin snagged a weapon >refill. Then they jumped down another long drop. MIKE: It never occurred to anyone that the stairs would've been safer. > Next corridor was more spikes and those same robots. >Finally, they came to a door. Lana opened it, and they stepped >into a pink corridor. TOM: [Lana] How did we get into Victoria's Secret? > Stacey opened the next door. > In the chamber, they found a three-wheeled tank that >fired shots and bubbles at them. > They fired at the tank and soon destroyed it. CROW: Although they perished from the lethal bubble solution. > Mike looked at himself, all wet from the bubbles. >"Well,...that sure was interesting." > Stacey was sad. "Too bad you had to destroy it! I love >bubbles!" > "That's why your head's so full of them." Lana said >quietly with a smile. CROW: Then Stacey went and kicked her ass, right? Right? > The next level of the castle was underwater. TOM: Guess not. CROW: Darn it all. > In a panic, the group swam for the surface and coughed. TOM: [Kevin] Were we supposed to hold our breath or something? > Stacey groaned. "Oh, shit! Not again!" MIKE: [Stacey] Like, I already went through the wet t-shirt contest today! CROW: Don't discourage her, Nelson! > "C'mon, guys, deep breath!" Mega Girl said. She went >underwater, and the rest of the group followed, Stacey >reluctantly. TOM: Uh, Stace, you were supposed to take the deep breath *before* jumping in.... > They had to avoid robofishes, spikes, and the fans that >tried to blow them into them. Kevin, Lana, and Mike picked up a >lot of weapon refills. If they hadn't been underwater, Mike >would've grinned. TOM: He settled for blowing bubbles up Stacey's-- MIKE: Tom... > Finally, they climbed up a ladder and entered a dry room. > After taking deep breathes, they realized guns were >firing at them. MIKE: The hail of bullets that slammed into Julius sort of clued them in. > Mega Man, Proto Man, and Mega Girl destroyed >all three of them. CROW: Hey, has anybody noticed that Link hasn't done anything in a long time? TOM: Or Duke or Gameboy either. MIKE: Maybe they slipped out for a quick beer. > Then they formed a human ladder again, with >Kevin holding Stacey this time, and Lana climbing up his back, MIKE: What a lucky guy. CROW: [Kevin] Ow! Lana! Watch the nails! >to reach the real ladder, then they climbed up. > They looked at the glass booth. > "Teleporting hatch." Lana said. "Should we go through it?" > "Do we have a choice?" Kevin asked her. MIKE: We don't, so you might as well suffer too. > He went through, and the rest of the group followed. > > The group found itself on a platform. To the left were >three teleporting hatches, stacked vertically. The same to the >right. There were two more teleporting hatches below the >platform they were standing on. > "Eight teleporting hatches - " Li started. > " - for eight Robot Masters." Dr. Right finished for her. >They were all silent for a moment. > Finally, Kevin spoke. "Okay, this is what we'll do. Eight >of us will each take one of the eight weapons we've collected, >and we'll hope it works on whatever Robot Master is waiting." > Lana smiled. "Umm,...what are the chances of that >happening?" CROW: Almost nil, but who cares for plausibility? > "Pretty slim." Proto Man said. He grinned. "40,320 to >be exact." MIKE: 40,320 to 1 against and falling... > Mike grinned. "Precisely!" > "You calculated that?" Lana asked Mike in surprise. > Mike laughed. "No." TOM: [Mike Vincent] My invisible friend told me. > "Why can't we all, like, go in all the hatches together, >so that we'll have all the weapons?" Stacey asked. > "Too crowded maybe?" Kevin suggested. MIKE: Too easy, maybe? TOM: Too brief, maybe? CROW: Too creative, maybe? > "Hmm,...now that's a thought." the valley girl decided. TOM: It sounded more like a stupid question to me. > "Simon, pass out the weapons." Kevin said. > Simon reached into his backpack and pulled out the >Master Weapons one at a time. To Proto Man he gave the Silver >Tomahawk. To Gameboy he gave the Fire Blast. To Kevin he gave >the Blizzard Attack. To Romeo he gave the Wind Storm. To Lana >he gave the Yamato Spear. To Mega Girl he gave the Knight Chain. > To Mega Man he gave the Centaur Flash. To Rick he gave >the Plant Barrier. "All right, team, let's do it to it!" Kevin >said with a smile. They each picked a teleporting hatch. > > Proto Man teleported into a chamber. Yamato Man came >down from the ceiling. TOM: NOOOOO! They went through the same old spikes, fans, ladders and doors to fight THE SAME EIGHT ROBOTS all over again? CROW: It's an infinite loop, isn't it? We're never gonna get ot of here! [He starts to cry.] > "Okay, time to see what this does. Silver Tomahawk!" > Instantly, Proto Man was clad a reddish-brown and a >dirty white. MIKE: Oh, so it causes instant rust! TOM: [Proto Man] I've gotta take another ride through the car wash. > As Yamato Man attacked, Proto Man let loose the Silver >Tomahawk. He felt this strange, because he was used to firing >only his own blaster. MIKE: [gasps] I don't believe it! The author penetrated into the mind of one of his characters! > He got the hang of it, though, and >Yamato Man was defeated. > > Gameboy found himself in Blizzard Man's chamber, and >the Robot Master was ready to do battle. > "Fire Blast." the game computer commanded. > Gameboy found himself a reddish-brown and dirty white. >He found he had to be in close range to Blizzard Man for the >Fire Blast to score a hit. Victory was easy for the computer >programmed to play games. > > Kevin got Plant Man. > "Hmm,...I've never used a Master Weapon before." he >said to himself. He hooked up the weapon to his Zapper. >"Blizzard Attack!" > Kevin drew his Zapper and found it had changed colors >to a light blue and snow white. TOM: And seven dwarfs. > He fired. > Snowflakes came out of his Zapper. MIKE: [Kevin] Uh, are these supposed to be yellow? > "Cool!" Kevin said with a smile. > Victory was soon his. > > Romeo was in Flame Man's chamber. > He hooked up the Wind Storm to his Remote Control. > "Uh,...Wind Storm?" he asked. > The Remote Control turned grey and white. > When Romeo fired, a cyclone was sent out at Flame Man. >The Robot Master could not survive very many more of those. CROW: Especially when Dorothy's house fell on him. > > Lana encountered Knight Man. She hooked up the Yamato >Spear to her Zapper. MIKE: So she turned it into a harpoon gun? > "Here goes nothin'!" she said. "Yamato Spear!" > She fired repeatedly. The Yamato Spear went through >Knight Man's shield, hitting him, and the Robot Master soon >exploded. > > Mega Girl was up against Centaur Man again. This >time, however, she knew what his attack would be, and she >was prepared for it. > "Knight Chain!" she yelled. > She instantly found herself clad in blue and grey. CROW: [Mega Girl] These are just *so* not my colors. > Mega Girl fired at the odd horse-like robot until he >was no more. TOM: He decided to stop being odd and be even like the other numbers. > > Mega Man was in Wind Man's chamber. > "Centaur Flash!" he yelled. > Mega Man found himself colored green, but also white. > He made short work of Wind Man. CROW: One-sentence battle. Yep, that definitely reminds me of Ratliff. MIKE: Would you rather he dragged it out? CROW: Good point. > > Rick faced Tomahawk Man. He hooked up the Plant >Barrier to his Super Scope. > "Just you 'n' me, Pilgrim!" Rick said in a Western >drawl, then he slapped his left hand on his forehead MIKE: [Homer Simpson] D'oh! >and shook his head. "I can't believe I just said that." TOM: Neither can we. > Rick fought Tomahawk Man with his dark pink and white >Super Scope. CROW: Dark pink... wouldn't that be... red? > Pretty soon, the Robot Master was sent to the >proverbial Boot Hill. > CROW: Death by fertilizer, maybe? MIKE: Damn! I hoped he'd blow up like the others! > They were all warped or teleported back into the hatch >room. > They found that on the platform they had originally >teleported onto, there was now a new hatch. > "That wasn't there before." Lana said. > "No," Kevin agreed, "it wasn't." CROW: [Mega Man] It sure mega wasn't. TOM: [Kid Icarus] I never saw it beforeicus! CROW: [Mega Man] Yeah, I mega didn't see it either. TOM: [Kid Icarus] Are we supposed to be doing something nowicus? MIKE: Guys... > So, naturally, they all stepped into it. > MIKE: After they argued for half an hour about whether or not it had been there before. > They teleported into a small space with a long drop. >They all jumped down it. > They found themselves in a corridor with a Met >dispenser, which Mega Man and Proto Man took care of. > They moved on until they reached a door. And in >front of the door stood... CROW: Oh no! It's RICHARD SIMMONS!!! > "Eddie!" they all said in unison. > "Eddie thought you might need this." CROW: A new oil change? A slap in the face? MIKE: Did Dr. Right program Eddie with any grammar? > he said, and >gave them an energy refill. TOM: Eddie didn't know much about first person. Tom Servo wants to leave now. MIKE: Lemme explain the concept of "forced to watch," Tom... > Mega Man, who needed it the most, took it. CROW: [Mega Man] Yeah, I'm trapped in this fanfic with all these mega losers. Drugs are my only escape. > "Mega >thanks, Eddie!" > "Good luck, guys!" Eddie said. "Kick Wily's butt >for me!" TOM: WHOA! Eddie used a pronoun! > They all laughed. > "We will, Eddie!" Romeo said. > "Count on it!" Mike added. > And with that, Eddie teleported off. MIKE: Oh, no... don't say it... please don't say it... > "He's so cute!" they all said in unison. ALL: ARRRRRGGHHH!!! > Kevin opened the gate, and they stepped into a light >blue corridor. They walked to the end of it. > "This is it." Kevin said. "The final battle. MIKE: Are you sure? > Mega Man, >will you do the honors?" > "You got it, Captain N!" TOM: Captain N? The author's introducing a new character NOW? MIKE: Tom... nah, forget it. > Kevin, Mike, and Lana drew their Zappers. Li drew her >laser gun. > Kevin nodded. Mega Man slammed his right fist into the >door, and it went up. > The group walked into a dark chamber. There was a huge >weird machine waiting there. MIKE: [Kevin] Wow, I never knew Wily was into designing exercise machines. > It had a huge skull on the front, >and it shot out blue and white circles of energy at them. It >also jumped and shook the floor when it landed. > "Wily's in there. I know it!" Kevin said. CROW: [Kevin] I can see his pants and shoes! > They started firing. Soon, they had destroyed part of >the machine. After the top had blown off, they could clearly >see Dr. Wily operating the controls. They continued firing. > Eventually, the machine was destroyed. Dr. Wily >disappeared. TOM: Never to be seen again! Let's go home! > "Huh?" Rick asked. ALL: DR. WILY DISAPPEARED!!!! > "Where'd he go-icus?" Kid Icarus asked. CROW: Where the wild things are-icus! > Dr. Wily appeared in a smaller machine that shot out >circles of energy in four different directions. The good guys >started firing again, but Dr. Wily would disappear and reappear >in another part of the room every few seconds. > "Teleportation?" Rick asked. > "Or just moving around in the dark." Kevin reasoned. > "How do we do this?" Li asked. TOM: "It's just a jump to the left..." > Kevin thought for a moment. "He appears both high and >low. Me, Mike, and Lana are almost out of power. Mega Man and >Romeo, you're the only ones of us that can fly. MIKE: Um, excuse me, what about the guy with the wings? > It's up to you!" > Mega Man and Romeo nodded. "Right!" > "Rush Jet!" Mega Man called. > Romeo pressed the Up button on his Remote Control, and >Mega Man activated his thrusters. > The two of them went into the air and fired whenever >they saw Wily. They had to land every so often, of course. So, >then they fired from the ground. TOM: Except for that time Romeo landed on the ceiling. > Pretty soon, Wily's machine exploded. The evil scientist >leapt out of it and landed on the floor. > He immediately began to beg the group for mercy. "Please! >Please don't hurt me! Mercy, please!!!" CROW: Mercy's not here right now, but you can leave a message at the sound of your head being blown off. > "Shut up, dumbass!" Mike said, annoyed. TOM: What he said. MIKE: I'm actually starting to like this guy. > > Kristen parked her car on the street in front of the >office building where her mom worked. > She got out of her car, went into the building, and took >an elevator up to the twelfth floor. > CROW: And the point of that scene was? > Kevin and Link were busy tying up Dr. Wily with some rope. >They had him sit down against a wall. > "That should hold him!" Link said with a smile. > Stacey was copying all of the information in Dr. Wily's >computer systems to chips. TOM: [Mike Vincent] Stace, you should use computer chips, not potato chips. MIKE: I'm amazed she knows how to use a computer. CROW: Hey, that's my woman you're talking about! > "Doney-bunny!" Stacey announced as she removed the last >chip from the slot. > Lana smiled. "Good! Let's go home and copy it into our >computers!" > Suddenly, the ropes Dr. Wily was tied up in broke, and >the scientist got to his feet. > Everyone turned and faced him. TOM: [Lana] We're just going to stand here and stare while he gets away. > "Wily!" Kevin yelled. > "Good-bye, Nothing Team!" Dr. Wily said with a grin. >He went over to a keypad and typed in a code. A door slid open. [All make creaking door noises] >Dr. Wily raised his eyebrows a few times. MIKE: Mad scientist by day, Groucho Marx impersonator by night! > Then he exited out the >door, and it slid closed. > "How'd he get loose?!" Mike asked. > Link noticed something on the floor near where Dr. Wily >was sitting. He walked over and picked it up. MIKE: [Link] Pills? Wily takes Viagra? > It was a pocket knife. > "Damn!" Link yelled. > "Not the first time he mega got away!" Mega Man pointed >out. TOM: [Mega Man] I mega wonder why. CROW: [Kid Icarus] Because we just stand around-icus? > Suddenly, an alarm sounded. > "Never mind him!" Kevin yelled. "Let's get out of here!" MIKE: [Kevin] We can't fight an alarm! >He took a remote control out of his front right jeans pocket and >summoned the Warp Wagon. CROW: He's getting back on the wagon again. > Soon, it was hovering outside the Castle. Kevin drew his >Zapper and fired at all the glass windows. TOM: Huh? MIKE: [Kevin] No reason. I just like breaking things. CROW: Guess the plastic windows were off limits. > They shattered. > "C'mon!" Kevin yelled. > The entire group crowded into the Warp Wagon, TOM: [Mike Vincent] Yo, Kevin, take your hand off my-- [Mike clears his throat.] TOM: --holster? > and Kevin >flew away from the castle. CROW: And left the rest of them stranded in the Warp Wagon. > When they were a safe distance away, the castle blew >sky-high. TOM: [British accent] And there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay. [waving tiny flags] > > Kristen arrived on the twelfth floor of the office >building. She walked down a corridor. > MIKE: Yeah, so what? People have been walking down corridors this whole fic. CROW: The hair-trigger suspense is killing me. > Kevin parked the Warp Wagon on the front lawn of the N >Team's house. Everybody got out. > Lana walked over to Mike's convertible. "I wanna go see >how Kristen's doing." ALL: No! No! Please! No! > > Kristen arrived at her mother's office. She stood out in >the corridor and peered into the room. > Her mother was sitting at a computer, typing away. CROW: With the boss under the desk, between her-- [Mike whacks him across the sensor net] > Kristen slowly walked into the room. "Mom?" TOM: [Kristen] So *this* is what you do at work all day! > Carol stood up, turned around, and faced her daughter. >"Kristen, what are you doing here?" > Kristen stepped forward. "I came to stop you from doing >this." > Carol shook her head. "Doing what?" CROW: [Boss] Vacuuming the rug. What does it look like? > "I heard you on the phone." Kristen said. > Her mother frowned. > "You wanna destroy Videoland." MIKE: I'm on Carol's side here. > "That's right." > "And all the people in it." CROW: [to Carol] Tell us the truth. Do you eat shit for breakfast? > "Yes!" TOM: Mike! Crow's reading ahead again! > "Why? What have they done to you?" Kristen asked. > "It's not what they've done to me. It's what they are." >her mother replied. "They're evil!" > "Evil?!" Kristen asked, surprised. "How so?!" TOM: They starred in this fanfic. That's more than enough. > "They weren't born in our universe. They're unnatural!" > One universe is just as natural as any other, mom." >Kristen said. "Those people are as natural as us." MIKE: They're just as sick, perverted, and irritating as we are. > "No, they're not!" Carol yelled. "They're servants of >Satan!" TOM: I vote we root for Carol. All in favor? ALL: YES!! > "And I'm a small elephant." Kristen replied. CROW: [Carol] Well, dear, you *have* gained a few pounds.... > > The warp opened in the alley. Mike's convertible came >out. Lana was driving. MIKE: Zelda and Mike were hanging on for dear life. > Mike sat in the passenger seat. Zelda was >in the back seat. CROW: And Link was in the trunk. > "So, where to?" Zelda asked. > "Kristen once told me that her mother works for a small >game business." Lana said. "We might try looking there." > "Know the address?" Mike asked. > "I know the name. I can look it up in the phone book." >Lana said. > Mike nodded. > "Hey, Lana, can I drive?" Zelda asked. MIKE: [to Zelda] There are no cars on Hyrule, you've never driven one before in your life, it's not even Lana's, so I think it's safe to say: Sure. > "Uh, I dunno, Zelda." Lana said. "Mike?" > "Well,...okay." Mike agreed. "But I'm comin' with ya to >make sure you don't wreck my car." > "Great!" Zelda said, excited. > Mike hopped into the back seat. Lana moved to the >passenger side. Zelda hopped into the driver's seat. > Zelda looked at all of her options. TOM: [Zelda] Let's see, make out with Lana, jump Mike, smack Mike, drive the car into a ravine, say the hell with it and go torture Link..... > Finally, she turned >the key. The engine started. > "Wow!" Zelda said. She put the car into drive and pressed >her right foot against a pedal. > Nothing happened. > "Uh, that's the brake, Zelda." Lana pointed out. MIKE: [Mike Vincent] That's it, woman, get out of my car! > "Oh. Heehee." The Princess of Hyrule stepped on the >accelerator, and they took off. > > "Mom, just because someone is other than what you're used >to doesn't mean they're evil!" Kristen said. CROW: Unless they write fanfic like this! > "They were not created by God!" Carol said. "God does not >work digitally!" TOM: All right, that's it! You want a piece of me, Carol? Huh? [Mike and Crow grab him and shove him down in his seat.] > "They're not digital, mom! They're flesh and blood, just >like us!" CROW: I thought you wanted to root for her. TOM: Only if she does some damage. > "They are the work of the demon master of the world >below!" CROW: Wow, she's met Dr. F? > her mother said. "And I have been chosen by God to save >the Earth from these soulless minions of Lucifer! I am the >Earth's new Savior!" MIKE: David Koresh has nothing on this psycho. CROW: I know. Isn't it great? > "You're full of shit." Kristen responded. CROW: Considering her taste in breakfast foods, at least. > > "Zelda, look out!" Lana yelled. > Zelda made a sharp right to avoid a head-on collision >with another car. It scraped some paint off the right side of >Mike's car. > Mike looked at the damage. "My car! You scratched my car!" TOM: [Spaceballs] My hair! He shot my hair! > > Kristen looked at the computer screen. "So, this is how >you plan to destroy Videoland, huh? With a game?" MIKE: We don't care how you do it! Just do it! > "Of course. How else?" Carol asked. CROW: A nuclear warhead would be more fun. > Kristen stepped towards the computer. > "Uh!" Carol pulled out a gun and pointed it at her. > Kristen looked at her in shock. "You...would kill me?" TOM: Wait a minute...she's trying to get rid of Videoland AND Kristen?? ALL: Yes!!! Do it! DO IT!!!! > "Kristen, please,...step away." > "No." > > Zelda brought Mike's convertible to a screeching halt in >front of the office building. > They all got out of the car. > "I am never letting you drive my car again!" Mike told >Zelda. CROW: Why? Could it be the four red lights she ran? TOM: Or the trail of roadkill left in her wake? CROW: Her "detour" through the mall? TOM: When she tried to pop a wheelie? MIKE: I don't know, guys. I'm stumped. > The three of them ran into the building. > > "Mom, please...don't do this." Kristen pleaded. "You - you >used to be such a nice person. I've always loved you." TOM: [singing] "And I....will always love youuuuu..." > "What has to be done has to be done." her mother replied. >She pressed a few buttons on the keyboard. > "What did you do?" Kristen asked. MIKE: [Carol] I just sent out some porn spam mail. Oh, you mean the game. > "The game's compiling." Carol said. "Soon, it'll be copied >onto a blank cartridge, and then...bye-bye Videoland!" > > Lana, Zelda, and Mike exited the elevator and ran down the >corridor. > TOM: Run, Forrest, run! > "You're mad." Kristen said. > "No, actually, I'm quite happy." her mother said with a >smile. CROW: [singing] "Don't worry...be happy..." > "Kristen!" Lana called. She, Zelda, and Mike had just >entered the room. > "You!" Carol yelled, pointing her gun at Lana. "You're >one of them! One of the soulless minions of Lucifer!" MIKE: [Lana] Oh, no, you must have mistaken me for the minion behind me. > Mike drew his Zapper and fired at Carol. She dodged the >blast and returned fire. Mike dodged the bullet. CROW: Zelda, however, caught it in her teeth. MIKE: Faster than a speeding bullet...it's Super-Mike! > Mike, Lana, Zelda, and Kristen got behind some chairs for >cover. Carol got behind her desk. > "Kristen, are you all right?" Lana asked. MIKE: [Kristen] I think I broke a nail... > "Lana, she's compiling the game. We gotta stop it!" >Kristen said. > Lana thought for a moment, then yelled: "There's no proof >that creating a new game here has any effect on Videoland, you >know! MIKE: Except for the fact that video worlds only show up after the game's been released. CROW: Naah. No proof at all. > In fact, now that I think about it, it seems highly >improbable, because MIKE: [Lana] ...you don't work for Nintendo! > that means humans would have control over a >universe! There's no reason to do this!" TOM: Who needs a reason? Just destroy it already! > Carol stood up. "Getting rid of you is reason enough!" [All cheer wildly.] >She fired at the chairs. TOM: Office chairs: the newest threat to humanity. > The humans behind them dodged the shot. > "Apparently, talking won't work." Lana said. > "What made you come to that conclusion?" Mike asked. MIKE: I'm not sure, but the "soulless minions of Lucifer" line was a small clue... > "Mike, Zelda, you keep her distracted. Kristen, you and I >have a date with a PC." > They nodded. Lana and Kristen made their way to the desk. > Mike stood up. "Hey, how many dead babies does it take to >screw in a light bulb?! MIKE: I take it back. I don't like him any more. > Five! Get it?!" ALL: No. > He was answered with another shot from Carol. > Mike ducked down behind the chairs. > Zelda frowned at him. "You know, that was really stupid!" CROW: Yet another statement that sums up this entire fanfic. >She took out her bow and drew an arrow. > "You don't joke; you fight!" > So, Mike and Zelda fired at Carol, and she returned fire >to them. > Meanwhile, Lana and Kristen had reached the desk. > "Okay, how do we stop this thing?" Lana asked. TOM: Enlighten us! Please! MIKE: She meant the computer, Tom. > "Simple. Boot the computer and format the hard drive." >Kristen did a roundhouse kick and smashed the computer system >with her foot. TOM: So that's how Valley girls deal with computers. > The computer system fell to the floor. Sparks flew >everywhere. > Carol spun around and faced them. "Nooo!!!" > Lana looked at Kristen and smiled. "Boot. Heh." > Kristen smiled back at her. "Format. Heh. CROW: Lana and Kristen ARE Beavis and Butthead! > Yeah, I'd say >it's formatted, wouldn't you?" > "I'd say it's Track 0 bad if you ask me." Lana replied >with a smile. MIKE: Huh? > "You'll pay for that!" Carol yelled. She fired at them. TOM: [Lana] Darn it all, I left my wallet at home! > They dodged, and Lana returned fire. Carol dodged and >pressed the trigger again. > But nothing happened. > "Out of bullets, dumbass." Lana said. She started >forward. > Kristen stopped her. "No, Lana." > Lana faced her. > "She's my mother. I'll handle her." Kristen shrugged. >"Besides, I'm a black belt in Tae-Kwon-Do." CROW: Since when? MIKE: Since she actually had to do some ass-kicking. > Lana nodded. "Go for it." > Kristen stepped forward. Her mother swung at her. ALL: [chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! > Kristen >blocked the punch and returned with one of her own, impacting >on Carol's face. Lana, Mike, and Zelda watched the two of them >fight. Kristen was definitely the more experienced fighter. She >punched, kicked, and blocked. MIKE: All Carol could do was slap her like a girl. > Her mother was wearing down under >the onslaught. CROW: Come on, Carol! You can do it! > As they made their way to the back of the room, Carol >shoved Kristen back against the glass window. > Kristen looked up at her. > Her mother ran forward, yelling. TOM: [Carol] YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD!! > Kristen dodged to her right. > Carol hit the window full-force. The glass shattered, and >she went through. CROW: Toro! Toro! > Kristen gasped. MIKE: ...as the pollution seeped into the air-conditioned room. > She turned around and walked towards the >ledge. Lana, Mike, and Zelda joined her. > They looked down, and, to their great relief, they saw >Carol holding onto the ledge. They all smiled. TOM: [Zelda] I call dibs on dropping her. > "Kristen,...please," her mother pleaded, "help me!" > Kristen didn't think twice. MIKE: Thinking even once proved painful enough. > She crouched down and extended >her left hand. "Grab hold of my hand! I'll pull you up!" >Carol did. However, when Kristen began to try and pull her mother >back up, she was surprised to find that her mother was pulling >her down! CROW: Hey, maybe this will be a happy ending after all! > "What are you doing?!" Kristen yelled. ALL: SHE'S...PULLING...YOU...DOWN!! > "You've ruined my plan!" her mother yelled. "You've >interfered with my holy mission and allowed the evil ones to >continue to walk among us! You must pay with your life!" MIKE: [Kristen] If I give you my credit cards, will you stop touching me? > "You're insane!" Kristen yelled. > "Oh, you didn't know?" Mike asked her. TOM: [Kristen] Up until now, I thought she'd ODed on Prozac. > Kristen managed to get her hand from her mother's grip. >She stood up straight. > But then, she found herself falling. She landed on her >back. Her mother had grabbed hold of her left foot, and was now >slowly pulling Kristen towards the edge. ALL: Go, Carol! Go, Carol! > "Mom, no, don't!" Kristen yelled. "Stop this!" > "I can't stop!" her mother yelled. CROW: [Carol] I'm out of brake fluid! > "I won't stop! I >cannot shirk my duty to the Lord! I will die, and you will come >with me! The Lord will accept my sacrifice of my daughter in >atonement for my failing to destroy the evil ones!" TOM: [to Carol] You call that a sacrifice? > Kristen tried to wiggle her foot loose, but she couldn't. > Lana took hold of Kristen's arms, Zelda took hold on >Lana's waist, Mike took hold of Zelda's waist, CROW: Yes! A chain-link orgy! MIKE: Crow, you have a sick mind. CROW: Thanks! > and the three of >them tried to pull Kristen back into the room. > Kristen yelled in pain. "Guys, stop! I'll be torn in >half!" MIKE: Do you see us complaining? > Her friends reluctantly let go of her and watched as she >was dragged closer and closer to the edge. TOM: [Zelda] Got any popcorn? > "Believe me, I'm doing you a favor!" Carol continued. MIKE: Lady, you're doing *everyone* a favor. > "You >will not have to live in this wicked world any longer! You will >be in heaven with me! I'll make sure God lets you in! CROW: [Carol] Of course, I'll probably have to smuggle you in with my laundry. > I know you, >Kristen! I know how you've always trusted me! Trust me now! Let >go! Be with me in eternal salvation!" MIKE: [Carol] We're bailin' out before Y2K hits! > Kristen gritted her teeth as she tried to hold her >position on the floor. CROW: Assume the position! > "You know nothing about me! You don't >know who I am! TOM: [Kristen] By the way, Mom, I'm a lesbian. A *big* one. > And I don't know who you are! MIKE: [Kristen] What? Who are you? Where am I? How did I get here? > Do you know I'm in >love with Lana?! That's right! Your daughter is in love with a >'soulless minion of Lucifer'!" > Carol was shocked. "You're in love with that...thing?!" TOM: She said Lana, not Mike. MIKE: Hey!!! > "Her name is Lana Deschain! And yes, I'm in love with >her!" Kristen said. "I suppose you're gonna say I'm one of >them now, huh?! That I'm evil! Today I learned who my mother >really is! CROW: A bug wearing an Egger suit! > A prejudice bigot! TOM: "Prejudice bigot?" Is that a specific type of bigot? MIKE: Yeah, it means she's only bigoted against prejudice. > You judge and prosecute anything >that's different than you, because you think your way is the >only way! You refuse to accept anything or anyone that deviates >from your rules!" Kristen began kicking forcefully with her left >foot, hitting her mother in the face. MIKE: [Carol] Stop! You're messing up my nose job! > "And I...am sick...of you!" > Kristen gave one final, powerful kick, and her mom lost >her grip. Kristen watched as her mother fell...and fell...and CROW: ...checked her watch...and changed her shirt....and... >fell. Finally, Carol hit the sidewalk pavement twelve stories >down. [All sigh in disappointment] TOM: There went our last chance to get rid of Kristen. > Kristen slowly got to her feet. She stood up straight and >looked down as people began to gather around the body of her >mother, who she had killed. MIKE: Look, Ma! You're roadkill! > "Whoa! That's a loooooong drop!" Mike commented. > Lana elbowed him in the ribs. Then she walked up behind >Kristen and placed her hands on her CROW: Big, round, luscious-- > shoulders. "Kris. Are you >all right?" TOM: [Kristen] I'm traumatized now, but I'll be all ready to party with a smile in another scene. > Kristen turned around and began to cry. Lana swept her >up in a hug. > "We should go down to the street and wait for the police >to arrive." Lana advised them. "We're witnesses. Then we'll get >out of here." MIKE: After they interrogate them for hours about the gunfire, property damage, murder... > "Okay," Mike said, "but I'm drivin'!" > > That evening, the school gym of Northridge High School was >packed with students, relatives, friends, and faculty. CROW: Everyone conveniently forgot about Carol splatting on the pavement. > "Like, some party, huh?!" Stacey asked Lana with a smile. > Lana poured herself some fruit punch. "Wonderful! You guys >did a great job decorating!" MIKE: [Lana] Using Carol's PC as a pinata was a bit much, though. > "Yeah, well, it was a rush job, but I think everything >turned out just fine." Kevin agreed with a smile. TOM: [Kevin] Yep, we threw Kristen in the loony bin finally. > Link, Zelda, Simon, and Li walked by. > "So, how do you guys like California so far?" Stacey >asked. > "Gnarly!" Link said. > "Totally rad!" Zelda agreed. > Lana and Stacey laughed. MIKE: Why? > Link, Zelda, Simon, and Li had come for the party. And >they were the only ones from Videoland, other than Lana, who had >come, for the others might've raised suspicions. CROW: Hmm, a robot, a talking computer, and a little guy with wings. Naaah, nobody'd notice them. > "I'm surprised no one's said anything about our pointed >ears yet." Link said, surprised. > "Or the way we're dressed." Zelda added. > Kevin came by, smiling. "Hey, it's the valley!" TOM: [Kevin] I just told everyone you guys got lost on the way to a Star Trek convention. > Lana downed her punch. "Listen, I gotta go check on >something." She put her empty cup down and walked away. > > Lana came outside and walked down the steps of the school >gym. "I thought I'd find you out here. CROW: Three guesses who she's talking to. MIKE: [Lana] It's easy to pick out the girl in the straitjacket. > You know, you're missing a >great party." > "I don't feel much like partying." Kristen replied, her >back to Lana. TOM: NOOOOO!!! CROW: Hmmm, she does have a nice backside. > "Liar." > Kristen spun around to face her. "What did you say?!" MIKE: I believe it was "Liar." No, wait, that was "evil slut." > "I said you're a liar." Lana repeated. "You wanna party. >Otherwise, you wouldn't have come." > Kristen laughed. "True." Then she cried. "Lana!" CROW: [Kristen] I've got P.M.S. so bad! > Lana hugged her. "Kris, you did what you had to. You were >defending your own life, and you had to kill. It's part of your >life. It's the reason you're still living! TOM: [to Kristen] Did you really *have* to go and do that? > But what's the point >of defending your life MIKE: Starring Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep in bad togas. > if you hate yourself for it?" > Kristen looked at her. "I - I guess you're right. What my >mother was doing was wrong. All of it. CROW: Yeah, the deranged psychotic obsession with genocide was wrong, but let's not forget her taste in upholstery. > I can kill her, but can I >forgive her?" > "You're going to have to decide if you even want to >forgive her." Lana answered. She shook her head. "I can't help >you with that. I can only offer some advice." > "Which is?" MIKE: [Lana] Pea green isn't your color. Don't wear it. > "Don't dwell on the matter. You've been doing that for the >past few hours, and you're driving yourself crazy. Don't become >preoccupied with it. CROW: [Lana] After all, I killed my father, and do you see me stressing out about it? > Take a break." Lana smiled. "Get on with >your life." TOM: Just do it far away from us, please. > Kristen smiled. "Yes, Your Highness." > Lana kissed her on the forehead. > "My, how the roles have reversed!" Kristen said. CROW: Lana's stalking Kristen now? > The two friends laughed. > Lana nodded towards the gym. "C'mon, let's go inside." She >offered her right hand. MIKE: Wow!! She didn't use her left!! > Kristen took it, and they walked up the steps together. > "Oh, and Kristen?" > "Yeah?" > "I love you, too." Lana said. TOM: No! No! No! No! MIKE: This gives Barney a whole new meaning. > Kristen grinned. "Really?!" > "As a dear, dear friend." Lana quickly added. > Kristen messed up Lana's hair with her right hand. > > "So, everything okay?" Rick asked upon seeing Lana and >Kristen. > Lana grinned. "Couldn't be better." > "What are you guys playing tonight?" Kristen asked. MIKE: Knowing Lana and Zelda, probably Twister. > "Tunes from Mega Man 6." Kevin said. > "Mega Man 6?" Kristen asked. "It's not out yet." TOM: Wait a minute, Rick said it was OUT in the beginning, and now it's NOT???? CROW: They've gone back in time! The whole thing's going to happen ALL OVER AGAIN! > "I found a test cartridge in your mom's office." Mike put >in with a smile. > "Yeah, and I want it!" Kevin told him. > Mike faced him. "I'll Ro-Shambo you for it." MIKE: Big deal. I'll Ro-Laren you for it. > Lana came between them. TOM: ...before they went past smiling and "Ro-Shamboed" right there in public. > "Later, guys! We've got a concert >to perform!" > Kevin, Lana, Mike, and Stacey walked onto the stage and >set up their instruments. The audience cheered and applauded. CROW: Until they realized just who was up there. > The band members turned on their microphones. > "Way to go, Class of 1993!" Kevin yelled. > They all cheered. > "This first medley's for you!" Kevin said. "1, 2, 3, 4!" TOM: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! > Captain N & The Video Game Masters MIKE: ...suddenly noticed what a dumb name their band had. > started off by playing >'Betrayal at the Tournament' [the intro music]. That led into >'Contestants' [the stage select screen music]. CROW: Which led into the audience throwing rocks at them. MIKE: [Audience] Hey, they told us Aerosmith was playing! > Following that was >'Forgotten Wood' [Plant Man], 'Life in a Mechanical Tower' [Wind >Man], 'Fields of Fire' [Flame Man], MIKE: 'Head of Mush' [Kevin Keene]. CROW: 'Tongues at Play' [Lana Deschain]. TOM: 'Bored at Concert' [Tom Servo]. > 'Restricted' [Tomahawk Man], >'Invincible Fortress' [Yamato Man], TOM: Isn't that "impregnable?" CROW: Eh, Capcom forgot to include contraceptives with the game anyway. > 'Capital of Science' [Knight >Man], 'Ancient Realm' [Centaur Man], and 'Frozen Island' >[Blizzard Man]. Then they went into 'Final Stretch' MIKE: And they're in the final stretch, folks, and the outcome is sure...they can't hold a tune! > [Dr. Wily, >Stage 1]. They finished with 'Betrayal at the Tournament' - the >Japanese version. CROW: The version with the bad dubbing. > The audience gave a massive cheer and applause. MIKE: Because they finally shut up! > The gym >vibrated. TOM: It was an earthquake. The gym collapsed and everyone died. The end. > The band members walked off the stage. > Link, Zelda, and Kristen walked by, applauding. > "Splendid!" Zelda praised. > "Awesome!" Link added. > "I agree." Kristen said. CROW: [Kristen] Um, I can't think of another synonym for 'tolerable'. > "We've got another tune to play." Lana said with a smile. >"Something brand-new." TOM: Like a real song, maybe? > "Well, good luck!" Kristen wished. She placed her hands on >Lana's cheeks and kissed her soundly on the lips, MIKE: [Lana] Good God, Kris, do you EVER brush your teeth?? > then stuck out >her tongue and licked Lana's face repeatedly. ALL: Ewwwwwww!!!!! MIKE: Is she channelling Lassie or something? CROW: 'Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.' > Lana smiled and nodded. "Thanks." TOM: "Thanks?" What is she ON???? MIKE: If any girl did that to me, I'd run like hell. > The band members walked back on stage. This time, however, >Lana did not pick up her guitar. She simply walked up to her >microphone and stood there. CROW: [to Lana] Pssst. You have to turn it on first. > "Now for our next tune. I'm sure all of you know the tune >'Vampire Killer'. MIKE: Nope. CROW: Uh...Buffy's theme? > It's from Stages one through three of the >original Castlevania. Well, now you get to hear it with lyrics!" TOM: Well, *THAT* clears it up. CROW: Did it occur to anyone that the entire world doesn't live for Nintendo?? >Lana said with a grin. "I wrote them for a dear friend earlier >today." She smiled at Kristen. TOM: [shaking uncontrollably] How? When? She spent the whole day GOING AFTER ROBOTS!! MIKE: Uh, maybe during the boring grad speeches? TOM: Oh. [Stops shaking] Okay, I guess. CROW: Nice save, Mike. > Kristen smiled back at her. > Kevin looked at the others, then looked forward again. >"Let's do it! 1, 2, 3, 4!" MIKE: [Kevin] Look! I can count to four! > Kevin, Mike, and Stacey started playing a tune that was >unrecognizable at first, but then Stacey keyed some notes from >'Vampire Killer' every so often. CROW: And it was still totally unrecognizable. > She also did the background >voice, which was given an echo effect by the amplifier: > >I wanna know. TOM: [Stacey] ...what happened to my brain. > >I wanna know. > CROW: Do YOU know where your stalker is? > Then Lana did the lead, singing in a very erotic voice: > > Good as gold. > > I fear > Lies told. MIKE: And the truth will set you free. TOM: Not from this fic. > Don't kill. > Good as gold. > > Go to Drac since he's waiting to see me. CROW: Damn! I had an appointment with the bloodsucker five minutes ago! > Just like last time, disarm him with the black magic. TOM: A wooden stake works too. > Those who smile at me, MIKE: ...can go jump in a spike pit. > Ruler in the Garden of Destiny, > Cold and Cuddly, > Come again and discover silence. CROW: Kevin could never do it quietly. > They let the fake ones love and to send what, ALL: What?? > So that the good ones cut deep and the howling is good. > > I fear > Lies told. > Don't kill. TOM: Must...fight...need...to kill... [Mike and Crow scoot away] TOM: ...Dr. F.... > Good as gold. MIKE: Whew! TOM: Don't worry, I wouldn't go after you guys. CROW: Really? TOM: I'd have to read these by myself. > > I gotta know. MIKE: I'd like to know what this has to do with anything. > > Go with help to the sane fool or now every. CROW: [Yoda] Use sentences that make sense not at all. > Don't give up if there's no way up over. > Those who smile at me, > Ruler in the Garden of Blood. > Cold and Cuddly, TOM: Hey, she means me! > Come again and discover silence. > Where are the enemies hiding we wonder. CROW: They sent us this fic. > Stand up now look that the good ones made it clear. [All stand up and look around] MIKE: Nope. Still sucks. [All sit down again] > > I fear > Lies told. > Don't kill. > Good as gold. > MIKE: Is it over yet? > I wanna know. > TOM: You don't know? You DON'T KNOW???? > I wanna know. > MIKE: [Stacey] ...when I can get away from these losers. > They let the fake ones love and to send what, > So that the good ones cut deep and the howling is good. CROW: Owww-owww-owooooo!!! TOM: Wow. Not bad, Crow. CROW: I try. > > I fear > Lies told. > Don't kill. > Good as gold. > > Then the rest of the instrumental was played, and Stacey >ended with: TOM: [Stacey] SPOOOOON!!! > > Go on. MIKE: No, don't!!! > > The audience cheered and applauded. TOM: They were all wearing earplugs. > The band members >walked down from the stage. > Kristen swept Lana up in a big hug. "Yes! That was great! CROW: Compared to what? >Didn't make much sense, but I don't care!" MIKE: [Kristen] It's OVER! That's what counts! > "Glad you like it!" Lana said. > "Well,...that certainly was interesting, Your >Senselessness." Simon commented. TOM: Look who's talking. > Lana giggled. > Just then, the CD music came back on, CROW: Calming the angry mob just in time. > and Lynyrd Skynyrd's >'Sweet Home Alabama' started playing. > "Wanna dance?" Kevin asked Lana. > "Ummm,..." the Princess thought. She looked at Kristen. > Kristen nodded, smiling. "Go ahead. It's his graduation. >He should dance with his girl." TOM: Since he barely got a chance to touch her this whole fic. > So, Kevin danced with Lana and Link danced with Zelda. >Mike and Stacey had even joined hands and started dancing >together. CROW: Around, around the mulberry bush... > > Big wheels keep on turnin' > Carry me home to see my kin > Singin' songs about the Southland MIKE: Keep your fingers crossed, guys--this looks like it might be a closing song! > I miss Alabamy once again > And I think it's a sin, yes TOM: Repent, ye sinners, or you'll have to read fanfic like this for eternity! > > Simon and Li were standing by the punch bowl. > "Do you, uh, do you - " Simon began nervously. CROW: ...know how to juggle? TOM: ...eat five fruits and veggies a day? MIKE: ...play the nose flute on a regular basis? TOM: ...sing along to Barry Manilow? CROW: ...tape everything so you can fast forward through commercials? MIKE: Hey, I do that. > Li giggled. "I would love to dance with you, Simon!" TOM: All right, who spiked the punch? > Simon smiled. The two of them joined hands and joined in >the fun. > > Sweet Home Alabama MIKE: [singing along] Sweet home Minnesota... > Where the skies are so blue [Mike sniffs] > Sweet Home Alabama > Lord, I'm comin' home to you MIKE: Oh, God, I wish I was! CROW: There, there, Mike, you've still got us. [Mike moans and puts his head in his hands] > > They all had a great time fast dancing to the song. Link >and Zelda, who hadn't had much practice at it, picked it up >really quickly. TOM: Although Link impaled Kristen by accident with his sword in the process. MIKE: [looking up] Really? CROW: Made you look! > Simon, having two left feet, constantly stepped >on Li's feet, but she didn't mind. MIKE: [Li] I'm wearing steel-toed boots for a reason. CROW: Hey! He's back! > Lana, through Kevin's instruction, was pretty good at >dancing, and they had a great time. Mike and Stacey tore up the >floor with their killer, hip dance moves. TOM: Attack of the Killer Hips! > > In Birmingham they love the governor > Boo-hoo-hoo > Now we all did what we could do > Now Watergate does not bother me > Does your conscience bother you? ALL: What conscience? > Tell the truth > > > GAME OVER MIKE: This fanfic has been brought to you by the letters N and X, and by the number 8. TOM: Uhh, Mike....that means "The End," right? Right? MIKE: Yep. Let's get out of here. [Mike picks up Tom and they exit. Door sequence.] [Deep 13. Frank, Dr. F, and the suits are doing the Electric Slide. Frank and Dr. F are in the front, and Frank is out of sync, sliding instead of stepping. He knocks Dr. F over.] DR. F: [stumbling to his feet] Frank, you idiot! FRANK: Sorry, Steve! [He hands Dr. F his glasses. The suits are still going.] DR. F: For the last time, it's back-step, rock, slide! FRANK: Oh, I always thought it was rock, slide, back-step... DR. F: [brushing himself off] Work on it. I'd better check on Shaggy, Scooby, and Scrappy. [He hits the button.] Greetings, Nelson. How's your sanity so far? [The rest of this skit goes here. I couldn't figure out how to end it.] ******************* Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. "Harvey the Wonder Hamster" belongs to "Weird Al" Yankovic. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material and characters is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. Legal BS done with, the thanks that matter: To Mark Moore, for being a good sport about the MiSTing and not taking it personally. Thanks go out to Matt Slater for inspiring some riffs and looking this over for me. Major major thanks to Juliet Youngren for contributing several riffs when I ran out of juice. Michael "Rottweiler" Wallen inspired a few riffs as well. I doubt they remember it, but Adam Wasserman and Catherine Johnson dreamt up the conga line a long while ago; I ripped it off from an old (non-MST3K) newsgroup thread. And of course, thanks to Dave Eggert for validating my (lack of) sanity. :) ******************* > "Careful," Mega Man whispered to Kid Icarus, "this guy is >a master of wind." > "No shiticus." the archer replied.